Do you think it's worth it being the bigger person.....?

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LittleSwallow
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26 Aug 2011, 10:35 am

whne it comes to bullying, or to people saying stuff behind your back?

I'm an 18 year old girl, and I have had this type of crap for years, but always just ignored it, or pretended like it wasn't happening, or stood up for my self one or two times, like the anti-bullying guidelines would tell us to do.

But the teasing kept happening, kept getting worse (which resulted in a fake Facebook profile of me last year), and when I stood up for myself, it ended up with more people hating me and saying stuff again, and also brought in random people who don't even know me, but they seem to think they have a right to tease me as well, because of rumours they might have heard about me, because I am quiet and weird. I have also been called names like "weirdo", "spastic", "ret*d", "slut", "dumb", not to my face, but behind my back, when they though I couldn't hear them, but i did. I also have people sniggering over stuff I might do or say wrong, or if something bad happens to me, and also I have people making these sarcastic, sly, "why is the weirdo near us?" looks exchange between them when I am near them doing stuff, like putting books in my bag or something normal like that.

And what did I do to deserve all this? Nothing. I have always just kept to myself, not bothering anyone, and being kind and nice to everyone i meet, but I suppose because of my AS, while some people like my mates were smart enough to see that i was only shy and quiet, most of the others, especially the bullies who are stupid tbh, just put it down quickly to being stuck-up, weird, snobby, and so after that, the rest is history. :/


So these days i don't want to be the bigger person anymore. Coz I am so tired of people thinking they can treat me anyway, especially strangers who seem to judge me straight away because of my fashion sense, or they way I act in public if i get nervous or shy over something.

I want to be able to play fire with fire. I want to be able to shout or punch the next person who wants to talk s**t about me. I want to be able to be a total b***h and really tough to the people who have been mean to me,
because then it will get around that while i would still be a nice person to people who are nice to me, I also want to show them that I'm not a pushover anymore, that u say anything bad towards me, or treat me like a ret*d, I won't let them get away with it, that i can give them back as bad as they gave me, becasue Im tired of being nice all the time, but stil being hated by many people, and treatd badly too.

So what do you think? Do you think its worth it for us bully victims to be the bigger person, and jsut become a bully towards these people instead?

Because its not as if we would have anything to lose, because if ur mate are ur real mates, they would stick by you, instead of dumping because u decided to stand up to one of thier mutual friends who have been mean to you for no reason, for example.

Please don't give out if you dont agree, this is just my opinion.



AtticusKane
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26 Aug 2011, 10:48 am

Well, "normal" types don't generally have a good track record of being the bigger person. Perhaps that's one of those things that "validates" it to them that you're weird or inferior in some way, because they expect a "normal" person to be like 'hey f**k you man, you're a f**kin f***ot' or whatever. If it makes you feel better to be the bigger person by all means do so, but if it makes you feel worse, why bother? Someone clearly shows they're a prejudiced a**hole, shut em down. I bet you could analyze and tear them apart verbally, if you wanted to; put em in their place with wit. That way you can be the bigger person AND sink to their level all at the same time!



VIDEODROME
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26 Aug 2011, 10:59 am

If they keep this up relentlessly I wonder if it's possible to document it and build a legal case against them?



AtticusKane
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26 Aug 2011, 11:09 am

VIDEODROME wrote:
If they keep this up relentlessly I wonder if it's possible to document it and build a legal case against them?


^^^MAYBE overkill. Just a thought.



LittleSwallow
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26 Aug 2011, 11:25 am

VIDEODROME wrote:
If they keep this up relentlessly I wonder if it's possible to document it and build a legal case against them?


Like the thought of that, but don't think it would work for me. :(



bradt4evr
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26 Aug 2011, 11:46 am

People who bully you only are insecure about themselves, they feel they have no self worth, so they must bring innocent kindhearted people like you down to their level of hatred, so you feel as worthless as they do. but do not fall into their trap, you are better then that, you have a stronger spirit then they do. no itds not worth being the bully, because it only shows how weak you truly are on the inside, yes, on the outside, their the mean people who intimidate you and make you fear them, but on the inside their shaking like a leaf ,because they feel like the rest of the world is out to get them, and they want to hurt the rest of the world first. please, do not fall to their level, i know your hurt badly, but just remember that your the better person, a sophisticated young girl who does not need to act in such a manner for she has a stronger spirit :)


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26 Aug 2011, 11:53 am

It is worth it to be the bigger person. Revenge really gets no one anywhere. Just drags you down. The impulse to defend yourself is understandable but if their ridiculousness is ignorable, ignore it and eventually they'll see. This has been the case with completely unwarranted cattiness I encountered around your age. (You know how I know it was unwarranted? I barely talked to people at that age let alone did anything that impacted other people in any significant way.) Eventually they'll see their silliness and be ashamed and grow up. In the meantime you can go on with your life.



MommyJones
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26 Aug 2011, 1:04 pm

If you react then that would just make them worse because they know it bothers you and they will get their payoff. Ignoring them is hard, but being the bigger person says more about your character than you realize. It's not the easy way, just like being honest isn't always the easy way, or being nice for that matter, but you have to respect yourself. The previous poster is totally right when they said that they are just insecure kids who feel worthless so they pick on you to make themselves feel bigger. Kids are mean and you are better than that. Stooping down to their level may feel better at that moment, but it won't make you feel better overall.

However, if one of them hits you...I would suggest you beat the crap out of them. Let them know you won't take anything physical. They will leave you alone if they know you will fight. I know that's not being the bigger person, but when I was in school and was bullied physically, on the day I finally got enough guts to fight back not only did I realize that I could defend myself, but they left me alone after that and picked on someone else they felt they could more easily overcome.

Hang in there. Don't compromise yourself for them. They aren't worth it.



AmyF
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26 Aug 2011, 1:06 pm

Fight back, if you're ignoring them they'll think it's okay.



n3v3rm0r3
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26 Aug 2011, 1:10 pm

If "being the bigger person" isn't working and ultimately making you feel worse then I suggest you stand up for yourself. I've been fortunate to avoid bullying largely because I'm quite able to stand up for myself. People may think I'm a b**** but I really could care less. If someone treats me badly I call them on it. You don't have to raise your voice or sink to their level with name calling. If you over hear someone making a rude comment about you I would try approaching them and saying "Do I know you? I'm pretty sure we don't know each other so perhaps you don't know enough about me to call me "weirdo" (or spastic, slut, whatever).

Regardless of what you choose to do I wish you luck. The school years can seem to last an eternity but in reality once it's over it's easy to look back at difficult things and think to yourself "I made it".



Dantac
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26 Aug 2011, 1:35 pm

This is where you get your first lesson in the real world:

People can and will hurt,abuse,manipulate and step over you as long as there are no consequences from doing so.

In high school the consequences were detention, parent teacher meetings,etc...in short, nothing serious.

18+ however things change. You can now use the law toget them to back off and show them real consequences. These can include jail time,fines... and having to ID themselves as having been arrested in the past when they apply for jobs,travel arrangements and housing....for the rest of their lives.

For example that fake facebook account they set up in your name. You can take them to court for harrasment ( even sexual harrasment), for libel and any other charge your lawyer can stuff down their throats.

You dont need to threaten them with it... Just have the lawyer start procedures and they will get their court summons and THEN is when they will realize the consequences.

You dont need to follow through it either... Once they get the summons your lawyers can settle out of court...a mere written apology from them is all you need to ask in return for you dropping the charge. Once you have that they wont pull that crap again. Sure they will still hate you and talk behind your back...theyll do it anyway... But they wont dare do it in public/ written form because they know youll screw them in court if they do.

Talk softly and wave a big stick.



Misgen
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26 Aug 2011, 1:58 pm

hi
I don't know whether its worth it in the long run, its hard to always keep a smile on your face if people treat you like this and it does get tiring being the 'good' and nice person if everyone else isn't. I was also made fun sometimes, probably didn't have it as bad as you with the facebook thing, but its still not really fun either. Usually I just ignored it like you, and I was nice to people who were nice to me...

people usually talk behind your back because they are insecure, they feel better knowing they can hurt you and tease you, but for most of them they won't say directly to your face because they don't want to be a 'bad person', or at least this is how I view it. Of coarse some people won't mind saying to your face, but i think most people don't like it because then they see themselves as bad. Internet also makes an excuse for people to make fun of you, because they don't have to face you directly.

When I was in school, usually I was very quiet and also shy (I still am...) and some people tried to talk to me and I was always nice, but I knew some people made fun of me or didn't like me (usually boys but some girls i don't think liked me either). What I would usually do was just ignore it, I spent lots of time alone at school and was very invisible... if I sensed people didn't want to talk to me or if people didn't like me, I would just shrug it off and leave as fast as I could, and later in my mind I would be a little mad, like 'fine, i didn't want to talk to you anyway' sort of thing (lol)

I think what you should do is not get violent, because in my opinion violence doesn't solve anything. What hope is there for the world if this matter can't be resolved without fighting? But then its also difficult because its hard to continue being teased like that, and if you continue to be unresponsive towards this, it will only lead you to more difficulties and later you may be even more of a pushover (im sort of one) and you will never learn to stand up for yourself. So I think what you should do is fight with words, and not fists. Say something to really hit them emotionally, make them feel like the villain, because in fact they are, they just don't have enough sense to see it (this would probably work better with girls, but maybe some guys too). Make them very aware of what they are doing, you don't have to say your entire feelings, I probably wouldn't have enough courage to say what i feel completely, but if you want to try you can. But make sure you don't say it lamely, also if they are talking behind your back and you can hear, do something to make them aware you can hear, like turn around and smile at them, but obviously a fake smile I've done this but i think it sort of came across as weird but I think i got the message. Its sort of funny cuz they don't know how to react to your smile its a nice gesture but you are not meaning it like that lol

If I were you I would continue to be nice, because being mean makes you just like them, and if you were suddenly very mean to them, people would then have a REASON to be mean to you or hate you. If you are always nice, and you start to let on how this teasing makes you feel or react a little to their teasing, you at least have the chance that people will one day side with you and no longer make fun of you. If you start being violent or mean it will only have negative consequences and even the people nice to you now may no longer see you as the same person. Just be strong willed and don't give up. I hope this advice is helpful...



LittleSwallow
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26 Aug 2011, 3:26 pm

MommyJones wrote:
If you react then that would just make them worse because they know it bothers you and they will get their payoff. Ignoring them is hard, but being the bigger person says more about your character than you realize. It's not the easy way, just like being honest isn't always the easy way, or being nice for that matter, but you have to respect yourself. The previous poster is totally right when they said that they are just insecure kids who feel worthless so they pick on you to make themselves feel bigger. Kids are mean and you are better than that. Stooping down to their level may feel better at that moment, but it won't make you feel better overall.

However, if one of them hits you...I would suggest you beat the crap out of them. Let them know you won't take anything physical. They will leave you alone if they know you will fight. I know that's not being the bigger person, but when I was in school and was bullied physically, on the day I finally got enough guts to fight back not only did I realize that I could defend myself, but they left me alone after that and picked on someone else they felt they could more easily overcome.

Hang in there. Don't compromise yourself for them. They aren't worth it.



Does having things like paper balls, and small objects thrown at you count as physical?
Coz the guys to it to all my friends at lunch coz they are bored, but they do it a lot to me, coz they know I take it personally and get upset over it. Ive recently thrown stuff back at them, and they certainly get annoyed over it, which mean they can give it, but they so cant take it. :p So does that count?



LittleSwallow
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27 Aug 2011, 12:26 pm

AmyF wrote:
Fight back, if you're ignoring them they'll think it's okay.


Yeah I think ur right about that, they just keep doing it and doing it. :(



techn0teen
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29 Aug 2011, 2:26 pm

LittleSwallow wrote:
whne it comes to bullying, or to people saying stuff behind your back?

I'm an 18 year old girl, and I have had this type of crap for years, but always just ignored it, or pretended like it wasn't happening, or stood up for my self one or two times, like the anti-bullying guidelines would tell us to do.

But the teasing kept happening, kept getting worse (which resulted in a fake Facebook profile of me last year), and when I stood up for myself, it ended up with more people hating me and saying stuff again, and also brought in random people who don't even know me, but they seem to think they have a right to tease me as well, because of rumours they might have heard about me, because I am quiet and weird. I have also been called names like "weirdo", "spastic", "ret*d", "slut", "dumb", not to my face, but behind my back, when they though I couldn't hear them, but i did. I also have people sniggering over stuff I might do or say wrong, or if something bad happens to me, and also I have people making these sarcastic, sly, "why is the weirdo near us?" looks exchange between them when I am near them doing stuff, like putting books in my bag or something normal like that.

And what did I do to deserve all this? Nothing. I have always just kept to myself, not bothering anyone, and being kind and nice to everyone i meet, but I suppose because of my AS, while some people like my mates were smart enough to see that i was only shy and quiet, most of the others, especially the bullies who are stupid tbh, just put it down quickly to being stuck-up, weird, snobby, and so after that, the rest is history. :/


So these days i don't want to be the bigger person anymore. Coz I am so tired of people thinking they can treat me anyway, especially strangers who seem to judge me straight away because of my fashion sense, or they way I act in public if i get nervous or shy over something.

I want to be able to play fire with fire. I want to be able to shout or punch the next person who wants to talk s**t about me. I want to be able to be a total b***h and really tough to the people who have been mean to me,
because then it will get around that while i would still be a nice person to people who are nice to me, I also want to show them that I'm not a pushover anymore, that u say anything bad towards me, or treat me like a ret*d, I won't let them get away with it, that i can give them back as bad as they gave me, becasue Im tired of being nice all the time, but stil being hated by many people, and treatd badly too.

So what do you think? Do you think its worth it for us bully victims to be the bigger person, and jsut become a bully towards these people instead?

Because its not as if we would have anything to lose, because if ur mate are ur real mates, they would stick by you, instead of dumping because u decided to stand up to one of thier mutual friends who have been mean to you for no reason, for example.

Please don't give out if you dont agree, this is just my opinion.


It sounds like you need to take legal action. Schools might not be able to do anything about it, but there are laws against this. I would record what they are doing for evidence, not say anything to them, and then go to the authorities for charges.

Did you know making a fake profile of something and posting nefarious content is a form of identity theft? People can be in jail for a year or two for doing that crap.

Sometimes, being the bigger person is fighting smarter not stronger.