Try, Fail, Feel Bad, Repeat. (aka venting about OkC stuff)

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Quartz11
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17 Sep 2011, 10:43 am

It just seems like I'm a loop while trying to work this whole dating thing.

Browse around OkC, send a few messages out there, never hear back from them, pull back for a few days, repeat cycle.

Once in a blue moon I do actually get replies back, half the time they disappear half the time we meet up sometime. But then they too disappear. Pull back for a few weeks, repeat cycle of browsing and messaging.


It gets kinda old. Tough to keep going with the general lack of success here. If I even know what to say to a gal, she'll check out my profile but never reply back. So it's like, what am I doing wrong?



simon_says
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17 Sep 2011, 10:58 am

You're relying on just one avenue. I don't know a thing about online dating but according to Hale Bopp it's a meat market where average guys don't have much of a shot.

You can double your chances by pursuing women in the real world as well. That will also develop a different range of skills. A guy who presents himself as attractive in the flesh likely has an edge over a text message and jpg from the net.



Quartz11
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17 Sep 2011, 11:26 am

Except I wouldn't know where to begin there...



simon_says
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17 Sep 2011, 11:47 am

I don't want to monopolize your online dating thread but it's about getting outside of your comfort zone, getting yourself into a position where women are around, and just getting comfortable with walking up to them and chatting. Once you have that down, the rest is much easier.

One trick is not to over think it, just do it.



hyperlexian
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17 Sep 2011, 12:49 pm

you got a few dates from OKC didn't you? so you must be doing something right. keep doing that, and double up your efforts.

in whatever way you are being selective (everyone is to one degree or another), loosen that up a bit to increase your dating pool. so if your age range is 22 to 27, add a couple of years to that. or if you will only date college-educated women, message a few with lower education. there may be someone in the mix that is perfect for you in the long run, but you may have overlooked them because they didn't meet the initial criteria.

also try other dating services if you have not already done so. many of the people on OKC are remarkably similar, so if you want to broaden your horizons you might want to try other websites.

something i have been thinking about that may help some people who wonder what they keep doing "wrong" is asking a couple of post-date questions when it doesn't work out. i have no idea if this would be helpful or not as it is only a vague brain wave, and it would have to be phrased in such a way that the person knows it is not a desperate bid to change or an attempt at a second try. something along the lines of:

"ok, so the date clearly didn't go well yesterday and there is no chance of this going anywhere between us. but i am looking at some self-improvement ideas and i want to know in, in all blunt honesty: is there anything i could be doing differently that will help me on future dates with other women?"

there's a good chance that, i.e. 9/10 women will not respond. but the tenth one just might, and it could be golden information.

final note: do you tell people on your profile or before you go on a date that you are an aspie? again and again we're seeing success on the boards with people who are open and honest about that right from the outset. on my past profile i phrased it as kind of a set of clues, and said in a joking way that if anyone looked it up they'd get extra brownie points (it was also a way of being certain that they were actually reading my profile, which for a female is a major concern). i think i got fewer hits from being open about it, but the people who messaged me (or responded to my messages) had their eyes open and were more accepting.


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Quartz11
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17 Sep 2011, 10:53 pm

I have met four from OkC this year. Two I saw a second time. One lasted a few weeks before that collapsed.

No, I do not mention anything about Asperger's on there.

And currently my search parameters are 21-30, usually in the Boston area, and college educated. Considering I live an hour from Boston, this might not the greatest idea in the world. Especially since all four were closer to home.

Too tired to think more right now



Joker
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17 Sep 2011, 10:56 pm

I perfer not to online date but thats just me :wink:



Griffica
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18 Sep 2011, 6:22 pm

Quartz11 wrote:
It just seems like I'm a loop while trying to work this whole dating thing.

Browse around OkC, send a few messages out there, never hear back from them, pull back for a few days, repeat cycle.

Once in a blue moon I do actually get replies back, half the time they disappear half the time we meet up sometime. But then they too disappear. Pull back for a few weeks, repeat cycle of browsing and messaging.


It gets kinda old. Tough to keep going with the general lack of success here. If I even know what to say to a gal, she'll check out my profile but never reply back. So it's like, what am I doing wrong?


I don't have Asperger's (I do have social anxiety, which is relevant here), and I don't want to diminish the meaningfulness of your experience dating with Asperger's by any means, but I just wanted to say:

I know two people who could figure out whatever the "game" with internet dating (on OKC specifically) is and meet someone who they managed to have a relationship that lasted longer than a week with.

I don't want to discourage you--keep trying! You sound great and the fact that "college educated" is a requirement for you is sort of endearing to me. My last substantial relationship was with a guy I met online (albeit not through OKC...I would say maybe don't be shy about at the very least asking people you're interested in from other internet locations (message boards or whatever) if they want to exchange some emails in a non-threatening friendly manner).

But know that a lot of people face this same cycle--it's really, really tough.

And don't worry about what simon_says said about it being a meat market. Attractiveness is relative. I'm sure you're adorable.

I'd definitely discourage asking people what you could improve on after a first date that lead nowhere. If someone did that to me, it would make me incredibly uncomfortable.

Good luck! I just know you'll meet someone! These things just take time.



Quartz11
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18 Sep 2011, 6:39 pm

1. I just don't feel like paying, how many other decent free sites are there out there?
2. College education isn't a "requirement", it just seems to be that way. Most of the ones I look at do have some college time, and I'm pretty sure I'd bore 95% of those who don't have at least some.



hyperlexian
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18 Sep 2011, 6:49 pm

Quartz11 wrote:
1. I just don't feel like paying, how many other decent free sites are there out there?
2. College education isn't a "requirement", it just seems to be that way. Most of the ones I look at do have some college time, and I'm pretty sure I'd bore 95% of those who don't have at least some.

1. i dunno, but why not try? it defninitely would not hurt your changesi was on 4 sites and had different levels of success on them.
http://www.google.ca/search?q=free+dating+sites

2. so you are open to dating people with less education then? how about more education, like graduate degrees? highly educated women are the least sought-after so it's a bit of an untapped market.


i think one potential difficult spot is that you don't want kids right now, am i right?


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Quartz11
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18 Sep 2011, 7:16 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
Quartz11 wrote:
1. I just don't feel like paying, how many other decent free sites are there out there?
2. College education isn't a "requirement", it just seems to be that way. Most of the ones I look at do have some college time, and I'm pretty sure I'd bore 95% of those who don't have at least some.

1. i dunno, but why not try? it defninitely would not hurt your changesi was on 4 sites and had different levels of success on them.
http://www.google.ca/search?q=free+dating+sites

2. so you are open to dating people with less education then? how about more education, like graduate degrees? highly educated women are the least sought-after so it's a bit of an untapped market.


i think one potential difficult spot is that you don't want kids right now, am i right?


I can't see myself *ever* wanting a kid, which is a problem.

I also was including those with graduate degrees as those with college education. There seems to be a lot of that floating around here.



Quartz11
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18 Sep 2011, 10:34 pm

So I sent five messages today. Three so far have looked, no response.

Ah well, keep on trying I suppose...



Grisha
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18 Sep 2011, 10:51 pm

Your experience sounds a lot like mine, I got enough dates to keep me busy, but they were all "duds". I gave up on the whole thing and don't regret it.



Quartz11
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21 Sep 2011, 4:46 pm

You've also got a lot more experience than I do, even if it's been duds and failures in hindsight.

I really don't have much of anything, and what little I do has been duds and failures.

I think I'm 0 for 8 in this week on messages. One these days I got to get back above the Mendoza Line, right?



Grisha
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21 Sep 2011, 4:53 pm

Back when I was doing it, I never allowed myself to get too hung up on the outcome of any given message, not matter how intrigued I was with the person I was sending it too.

It was "fire and forget": if I got a reply, great, if not I was a little less disappointed than I would have been otherwise...



Quartz11
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21 Sep 2011, 4:58 pm

It's not even so much how much I'm interested, it's just the whole being ignored part that sucks.

Like the last girl I saw a couple of times. I really didn't care too much about her, no big loss she's gone. It's just the... hey, couldn't ya at least say thanks but no thanks?