New member seeking help for relationship with AS girlfriend.

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DanielLeon
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19 Sep 2011, 11:33 am

Hi there!

I first met my girlfreind in 1995 and we had an on/off thing for a year or two.

She then moved away and lived with a man 21 years older for 7 years (her boss!) - we were not in touch then.

in 2006 she looked me up and we started seeing each other again casually until in 2008 we started to see more of each other. By 2009 I reaching boiling point with her (undiagnosed, although shortly before we split she told me 'my ex thought I has AS' ! !

She wanted to get back with me in 02.2010 but I was with another girl - when we split in 2.2011, she was straight in and wanted to see me again - we have been together properly since May 2011.

I use complete messages now and the 'I' word instead of 'You' when I am speaking to her, as I have read all of Maxine Aston's books, and many more besides. We love each other although she finds it hard to show it which frustrates me. She rarely calls or texts unless it is information on when we are meeting next!

It has caused me depression (mild) this time with my inability to connect, but I am a patient man with a busy life so I am going to persevere.

I am seeing her this week and thought about planning the next couple of months in terms of when we could meet and plan a date to go away so we have something to look forward to - this is because I am just fitting in with her shifts/days off right not which is not helping my self esteem at all! Write out on a piece of paper when I am free and ask her to try and fit in with me a bit is my plan...?

Now she does send the odd text which I am grateful for!!

Anyone in a similar position who could give me advice / ideas would be most welcome ( I am 42 she is 40)....
Send me private messages is probably the best thing?

Thanks

Dan



Kiana
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19 Sep 2011, 11:50 am

Hi Dan

Welcome to WP

I am a female with AS who has been in a relationship with an NT guy for 10 years. It's not easy as communication is difficult at times, my partner has said it has been a big help to him to realise that I don't do things on purpose it's because I genuinely have difficulties, the most significant being that task or things that seem obvious for him are not always obvious for me.

As for Maxine Ashton, do not base your relationship on her advise, it's very controversial, opinionated and unsubstantiated. Rudy Simone is a better read to understand female AS and in January she is bringing out a book which is for NT's who are in a relationship with a female with AS.

I would love to be able to give you more advise but I have no idea what you have just asked! To us clear direct questions are more useful.

kind regards
Kiana


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DanielLeon
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19 Sep 2011, 12:32 pm

Kiana

OK - I was just giving you the history first!

Questions:

- How do I get her to text/phone me?
- How do I get her to do it as part of a routine for her?
- Is that the best way?

Thanks

Dan

if you send me a private message that may be the best way or e mail me [email protected]



musicislife
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19 Sep 2011, 12:44 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet, Dan!

First off, I have to agree with Kiana that Rudy Simone's books are much better. She has a blog on Psychology Today with a bunch of great articles (it is titled "Aspergirls") and her book by the same name is great for anyone who knows a girl with AS (though it does have a few small sections that are directed at younger girls or parents).

Communication is very hard in an AS-NT relationship, no matter who has AS. A lot of communication barriers with myself and my NT boyfriend come when I don't get time to think out what I'm trying to say; I don't think in words, but in patterns, images and sounds, and when I don't have the time to think everything I want to say, my internal "translator" from thought to English breaks down and I stutter or say things that I don't entirely mean.

Try to plan the little getaway you have in mind! It would be great and might help the two of you understand each other better (I'm sure she finds you just as mystifying as you find her!). When it comes to her "fitting you in" on her days off and your self esteem taking a blow, be mindful of the fact that many of us don't like to change our routines, even if we're really in love with our boyfriend. I had a lot of trouble readjusting my life when my guy asked me to be his girlfriend. She might (believe it or not) still be adjusting to you being back in her life!

Good luck, and again, Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Always,
MusicIsLife


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AnonymousAnonymous
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19 Sep 2011, 1:30 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet!


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CockneyRebel
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20 Sep 2011, 11:00 pm

Welkome to WP!

Mick :D


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DanielLeon
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23 Sep 2011, 6:23 am

Dear MusicIsLife

Thank-you so much for your kind reply.

Things are improving I think.

I give her space now and do not call/text every day - she then comes to me.

I have now accepted her for who she is, and love her just the same.

I am going to be patient and let her take the relationship forward as she wants to do, in her own time.

I would, however welcome tips to try and get her into a routine of ringing or texting me, soo I don't have to wait 3 or 4 days to hear from her!! !

Thank-you for being so helpful..

Daniel