Hello everyone,
Here now, because I do not know where I should be. Know of no where else to go.
I am 22 years old, in fifth year of college.
Have visual-auditory synaesthesia- every song I hear has a specific range of colors depending on what key its in. Also, monotone sounds like airplanes, vacuum cleaners, snowblowers have colors as well.
Answering telephones or calling people with them makes me anxious. Sometimes get overwhelmed in loud, bustling areas, large lecture halls. I engage in calming behaviors such as waving my hands, bouncing up and down, rocking back and forth, humming, only at home, only behind closed doors, as if its something to be ashamed of.
It has been burned into my skull, the acceptable modes of behavior. I carefully analyze the actions and appearances of others and change myself accordingly. I did this to survive, to have the privilege of being treated like an autonomous human being. I never enjoy it.
No diagnosis so far, except depression. I noticed that my depression symptoms disappear when I'm engaged in something I enjoy. The true diagnosis of this should be 'loneliness and boredom' then. As for my neurologically unusual traits, my unacceptable behaviors, I would not medicate them away for anything in the world.
Current job? Teacher aide for autistic children and teens at an after-school program.
Now how did I end up here...
When I was four years old, a teacher at preschool suspected I had autism. I was running around ceaselessly, stuffing paper in my mouth. Hitting other kids. Slamming my head on the wall. My parents said of course she doesn't have the bad a-word, she's smart and can write her name and address. Parents pulled me from the program and tossed me into regular school at five.
Big mistake, I think. Was always anxious and scared, always laughed at. Classmates found it easy to take advantage of my kindness or make me cry. Family, teachers, classmates used to always tell me that I'm too weak, I act like a baby. Classroom gets too loud, an unexpected change of schedule, I start crying. Classmates laugh and teacher sternly admonishes. No defense from parents. No sympathy, no comfort. I learned to self-injure very early; scratching myself, head banging, holding my breath until my lungs hurt.
For entire life, felt like there was a layer underneath conversations that I couldn't understand or even see. I would wonder if there was something I was expected to say or give, but I did not know how to provide it.
I have had a long isolated life.
I work a lot, and the students I work with make me happy. I have more in common with them than I will ever have in common with my coworkers, my classmates at school, my family. The students are mostly nonverbal, and a lot cleverer than the other teachers and our coordinator make them out to be. When its time to leave, I usually do not want to.
At school, I talk to no one. At my apartment, my roommate talks AT me, sometimes for hours at a time without stopping. At home, I'm usually slumped over in a chair feeling too heavy to move, a cloud of gray in front of my eyes. I periodically lose the ability to speak, and far from causing me to be anxious, these are the only moments in which I experience peace.
I can't remember the last conversation with another human being that I actually enjoyed. I think it was over three years ago.
My "friends" were people who acted extra nice to me, and then asked for help with their homework assignments. When they got better at the subject, or had no more requests for me such as borrowing a pen, we were not "friends" anymore. It was my second year of college when I realized the only time anyone tried to contact me was when they needed something, some advice or help with academics. Those people weren't interested in how I was doing, in starting a conversation with me.
I cannot tolerate sharp changes in voice tone. This was a constant source of entertainment for my family members. When someone raises their voice, it feels like my eardrums are being ripped like paper, my skin sweats cold, I feel like I'm going to collapse.
My roommate also confirmed this with me, how "easy" I am, how other people can play upon my sensitivity to make me do what they want. I realized within the last year, that when a person was going to do something bad to me, they had a facial expression where they twisted the corner of their mouth. My roommate tells me that this is called a "smirk".
Even if I told you the number of times I have been raped, beaten, publicly and privately humiliated in an infinitely creative variety of ways by 'normal' people, people that are supposedly wired for empathy, it wouldn't matter. I have been openly laughed at by professors, and school administrators, and started at blankly by two therapists. Did you not understand that that person was trying to hurt you, one therapist asked. The intentions of people are very clear, you can see them on their faces.
Obviously then, I cannot read faces. And therefore what happened to me was all my fault.
These days, I thoroughly enjoy my time alone. I love taking long walks, reading, writing, sitting and enjoying the weather. When someone tries to engage me in conversation, I am overcome with a feeling of hot rage. The less time I have to spend around people, the happier I am. Except for my students; they are the only people who I have encountered that actually seem human, that spending time with doesn't drain all of my energy.
So here I am. I have a lot more to say, but that can be saved for later; basically my observations about school programs for autistic people, about the people providing the services, the disservices I see being done. And also the lack of accommodations at a certain university contributing to my severely depressed state and terrible grades.
And right now I am glad to have found this place, and look forward to positive experiences here. Thanks for listening.
21 Sep 2011, 7:11 am
