Understanding girls who just want to be friends.

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Well, at the beginning there wasnt... any. From my side. But I liked him a lot (he made me laugh). Then I fell in love with his brains. I later I fell in love with him. We've being married for 16 years now. And we are very happy... and still have a very healthy sexual relationship, too.

A++++++++++ thread.

A lot of guys seem to think that any sort of positive re-enforcement from a woman is hitting on them, then they get mad when they don't want a relationship.

I've had this problem all my life I just want to have fun and be friendly and people assume that's romantic interest. This is 100 times worse with aspie males I meet. That's why I'm reluctant to get close to them unless I'm sure it's not going to turn into this.

Okay, I thought this was implied, but I'll be more explicit: I don't act any different towards women I want to be friends with vs. men I want to be friends with. Women simply shun me for the above stated reason.

Well that sort of makes sense but its kinda hard for me to understand how you go about "not attracted to you, not attracted to you, Opp! attracted to you now!" just seems like there should of been at least something there, even if it was small.

But then again, attractiveness can build up overtime as you put effort into getting to know them.

I dont quite get it, either. He was really overweight back then (he still strougles with his weight, but he is far less fat now), I think thats in part why I did not find him attractive at first sight. He started exercising when we met. I guess when you fall in love with someone you stop paying that much attention to the way they look. I started focusing on the good stuff: how beautiful his eyes and smile were, how strong he was, etc.

Overweight as in did he have a huge gut and a double chin? Could you describe how fat he was if possible.

Hmmm well what made you still talk to him despite his looks/problems? Must of been something he did or something for you to keep on talking to him.

Overweight as in he still has a huge gut (less prominent, though - he lost like 25 pounds or so after we first met). He is 5' 6" and his weight was 250 when I met him. Right now he is on diet (again) and he weights around 190. He eats compulsively, so he is always fighting overweight.

Well, I had to talk to him because when I met him I was a Secretary at the University he attended and he came to get some papers, and I was taking his request. But when he told me his name I was like "So you are the famous XX!". Turns out I had dated a lot of guys that studied with him and I had heard a lot of stories about him and how he was the best Programmer ever. So we had a lot of friends in common. We kept talking the rest of the evening (like for 3 hours). Then he had to return for the papers, asked me out. I did not like his appearance (and I told him so), but we really had a good time, so I accepted going out, and that was it. We moved in together in about 6 months.

If you are being accused of harassment with women, and there is no equivalent accusations coming from the men, then you are likely doing something different even if you don't realize it, and even if you don't intend to. Or you are not respecting boundaries, probably because you don't see them.

Ironically there are probably times when a woman was open to being your friend and tried to communicate that to you non-verbally and you missed it. It's reasonable to think that if one misses subtle cues of rejection, or boundaries, they are also likely to miss subtle cues of acceptance.

Why can't you just accept that it's a looks issue? Do you not want to admit that maybe SOME women can be quite vapid?

Very true, but we have to forgive them for this because this is probably due to evolution. Men in general tend to get more excited about winning than concerned about losing and this helps them take risks which are ultimately necessary for the survival and propagation of the species.

It's more advantageous to the species that he makes the assumption that a girl he gets along with might be open to dating to him, because there is a chance that she actually will be, and that he will eventually be able to procreate with her, so to help him take that chance and ask her out, nature makes him bias so it's more difficult for him to detect anything that might discourage him.

If he assumed correctly then he gets a girl. If he was incorrect then he just endures some emotional trauma.

The biggest risk women take from an evolutionary stand point, is saying yes to a potential mate. If she judged correctly then she gets a mate who can provide for her and their offspring and protect them. Of course we have civilizations now that make such abilities not as vital, and actually takes a lot of pressure off a men to provide and be confident, but raising human children still takes a large amount of resources and during the first few years, the first year especially, the child needs to be tended to by someone constantly.

If she chooses poorly then her life and the life of their offspring are ultimately put at risk, which does not bode well for the species.

The other risk she takes of course is child birth, which could have as much of a 50% mortality rate before the advent of modern medicine, but evolution has favored humans with bigger brains and smaller hips for walking upright, over any stupid, four legged varieties of humans.

Because I fail to believe you are uglier than the majority of humans in the world, to the extent that most women do not want to be friends with you for that reason.

Your problem, or one of them, is that you have AS and everything that entails.

I believe they call it Occam's Razor.

You have a neurological condition that causes one to have social difficulties so why would your social difficulties be due to something else?

These social difficulties aren't insurmountable, but you have to acknowledge they originate from your fundamental self to grow beyond them.

Why?



There seem to be plenty of AS guys who have no problem getting women.



Because I think when women claim they are rejecting a guy due to his social skills, it's just an excuse. They don't want to say it was due to looks because that makes them sound superficial. Now, only you and other women know if this is true or not, but I'm convinced it is based on my experience. Let me ask you this....why do women care so much about social skills when it's clear men don't care about it? Men at least admit they just care about looks....why can't women do the same?

You really can't tell us off for not saying your looks have anything to do with it when none of us even know what you look like.

And you really can't say I don't get women due to my bad attitude when you have no idea how I act in real life.

As someone who gets "friend-zoned" a LOT, I really don't think it's any more complicated than simply that they like you but aren't attracted to you.

It sucks, and it hurts (sometimes a lot) but eventually things settle down and you can end up with a really nice platonic relationship. This is how it almost always works for me, there's only been one case where she (inexplicably) ended up hating me, and in that case I honestly don't understand what I did wrong.

In other words, you usually end up better off even when you "lose" - that's one of the things that keeps me going anyways...

I have male friends who are not the least bit good-looking. I have grown very fond of some of them. They treat me with caring and respect, we have lots in common, and their looks absolutely don't matter. But I'm a female Aspie...

~Kate