For married Aspies: Did you always expect to get married?

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fawltie
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30 Sep 2011, 4:36 am

I cannot fathom why anyone would ever want to be tied to me, much less tolerate my behavior.



YellowBanana
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30 Sep 2011, 4:48 am

No. I never expected to be married. When I looked at my future I always chose to see myself married and with three children (the oldest and youngest were boys, the middle one a girl, and I had the names all picked out as well) . But I never truly believed that would happen.

I am, however, married. To a wonderful man who I have been with for 17.5 years and married for 9.5 of those. We don't have any children, though. I cannot fathom why in the world he chooses to be tied to me and tolerate my behaviour. But he does. Apparently, it is all because of love. It makes no sense whatsoever.


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incorrigible
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30 Sep 2011, 4:56 am

No...not in a million years. I expected to be single and childless forever to the point I didn't even want anything else because it was such an absurd idea. While dating dh, when engaged, even now...I still don't expect it to last. He totally adores and admires most of my aspie traits, and thinks I'm brilliant. I'm just waiting for him to realize what a pain in the *** I really am and get so frustrated he can't take any more. It's beyond my ability to conceive that he won't leave. Especially as the only NT in the house. For him, living in this house is like living in the rest of the world is for the rest of us. If you could actually walk away from this world that doesn't understand you, would you really choose to stay? Eventually, he's GOT to realize the grass is greener everywhere else! But, he's been head over heals for me for 18 or so yrs now...so either he's really that slow or this is just one more of those confusing NT things I can't fathom. ;)


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opal
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30 Sep 2011, 5:08 am

No. I originally saw myself as like mother Theresa, adopting a heap of multiracial disabled kids, but halfway through my teens realised this wasn't going to happen as no one would want to marry me and no one would want to leave kids in my care so I may as well become a nun as no one would give me a job either. :(

But I've had several jobs, and have a wonderful husband. :D I have no kids. That was probably a good move. I'm not against kids, but they are a huge responsibility, and deserve someone who will shoulder that for 20 odd years. I don't think I'm that person. :oops:



y-pod
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30 Sep 2011, 5:37 am

I never thought about marriage much at all. I wasn't even sure I liked guys. Then one day I said OK to a guy asking me out, and he became my boyfriend, and then we were married and had kids. I didn't plan out any of those and they just happened. I'm sure my parents are very pleased that I managed to live a "normal" and expected life. I think things (including marriage) are much more likely to be perfect if you're not expecting it at all.

I still don't see why DH loves me sometimes, must be a habit or something. Everybody in his huge extended family finish college, work hard, get married and have kids, none of them ever divorced. Maybe they simply believe you should deal with whatever life's given you and never give up. Although I am very satisfied with him, so maybe he's just as content.


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LittleBlackCat
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30 Sep 2011, 10:52 am

I always just assumed I would get married and have kids (well it turned out to be kid singular) one day as it was the only thing in life I was ever certain that I wanted.

Since I met my husband though I have spent most of our relationship wondering what on earth he sees in me and what I have ever done to deserve him and every time we have a row (which is, thankfully, very rarely) I think he's going to divorce me!

Luckily he's put up with me this far...



swbluto
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30 Sep 2011, 11:05 am

I know the sample size is small, but the 4:0 female to male ratio in this thread so far seems disproportionately higher than WP's 1:1 female:male ratio. I wonder what this means...



Willard
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30 Sep 2011, 11:20 am

Redacted.



Last edited by Willard on 01 Oct 2011, 8:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Joe90
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30 Sep 2011, 12:12 pm

I've always expected to be married, and I WANT to get married some day. I've got a handsome man in mind.....


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Mummy_of_Peanut
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30 Sep 2011, 2:39 pm

I just never expected to find my husband without a long search. As it turned out, we met when I was 16, got engaged a year later, married 4 years after that and we're celebrating our 17th anniversary tomorrow.



mv
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30 Sep 2011, 3:16 pm

I'm divorced now, but I certainly never expected to be married. It always seemed like a complete intangible to me, I had no idea how other people around me were managing it (growing up, finding compatible people, taking the next step). I didn't get married until I was 35, and it didn't last very long. I don't think I'm well suited to that kind of relationship. Maybe in the future?

Regardless, I remain one of the few unattached people among everyone I know. I don't even date now. I don't mind so much unless I have to go to a "date-type" of event, like a wedding.



League_Girl
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30 Sep 2011, 3:55 pm

I didn't think I would get married and have kids when I was a teen because I was different. Then I started to hear about aspies having kids and being married so I knew it was possible. I always hoped I would meet someone and get married and I heard I'd still be single into my thirties or maybe forever. I just didn't know how to meet guys so I used the internet and it made it easier. Then I thought again maybe I am incapable of relationships and no wonder some aspies say they can't have one, they're too complicated. Then I met my husband and didn't expect that to happen. I didn't think a guy would want me and it be very hard to find one who would accept me. He puts up with me too. Now I believe he will never leave me.



swbluto
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30 Sep 2011, 4:37 pm

Now it's 7:1. I'm pretty sure it's statistically significant by now, lol.



Tuttle
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30 Sep 2011, 4:55 pm

I'm not married, but am cohabitating (we've been together 4.5 years and live together)

I didn't expected to have any relationships until I suddenly was in a relationship.



tomboy4good
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30 Sep 2011, 6:16 pm

Never expected to get married, or if I did, I set 30 as when it would happen. My parents' families all thought I was a lesbian because I didn't date for years until I was out of high school. Life being what it is, I got married at 24 (arranged by my mother & his family). Lasted 13 years, & most of it was abusive, I had enough & left. Never ever thought I'd enter into another serious relationship again as I attract abusive guys like honey attracts flies. I was happily single, but am now happily married to a really nice DGN. Being that I am a female DGN, it's worked out very well. We share some common SIs, & work our relationship around them.


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Burnbridge
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30 Sep 2011, 6:38 pm

I was married for a while. No kids. It fell apart.

Actually, I felt that the process of marriage was destructive in and of itself, since it "upped the ante," and caused minor differences to turn into terrifying arguments.

I felt utterly trapped. We couldn't grow apart from each other, as I normally do with people. Always was forced to give up interests and projects to come back to compromise. Also, having a massive empathy deficit made it very hard for me to focus on another person's needs.

Also, with no kids, our taxes went up. Way up. That hurt things as well.

Really, before I quit dating, I realized that I have very little interest in hanging out with anybody more than twice a week.


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