Who did she just stop talking to me ?

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kopetski
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04 Oct 2011, 2:47 am

My last serious crush was online (well VERY serious in comparison to anything I had the last 5 years). I coincidentally became friends with this foreign older woman on Facebook and while looking at her pictures, I just knew she was special, fascinating, interesting etc.. because of the way she would behave amongst others. Ok this sounds weird I know, but I get a lot of info from someones picture..
We had something in common, that's why we became friends. So I mailed her and it took some time to learn to know her; I tried my best to be entertaining and smart, and she seemed to appreciate this. We became special mailing buddies. We mailed everyday about our life, or things we thought about, how we dealt with our girlfriends in the past in a not-so -gracious manner, deep things too. Then we also started to chat. I told her to start conversation if she wanted to talk to me, because I never start conversation, and so she did talk to me, even several times on a day. We had so many things in common, our character, our way of dealing with others, this love for justice and being alone. I told her I was a bit autistic but I even assumed she was a bit the same person too since the things she told me were so out of the ordinary. She was gorgeous, but she didn't think much of herself. She told me all of her friends were dating and she'd be the one stuck alone, because no one wanted her.
Of course that didn't help my infatuation :roll:

I don't know where it went wrong.. she had a long vacation ahead, and I assumed she would have plenty of time for me to talk. But she stayed offline, and said she was doing things with her friends, then other excuses like no internet.. Now it's almost 3 months of silence. She stopped being online entirely. I didn't think she had so much of a REAL life to pull this off. How can someone be offline for 3 months ? I talked to her only once, then I got the no-internet excuse but I know she has an Iphone and she used to mail me from all places, even the beach.
I don't understand this. She stayed silent once before, for a whole week, and told me afterwards she was depressed. I told her she hurt me so much and to never do that again. She accepted that. You can't imagine how devastated I was. It's like I crashed into a wall at high speed.. I can't believe how much someone can hurt me by just leaving me out.. I know I'm not the only one that gets attached too much, I'm trying to make a wall around me and to distrust people, but how can you keep that up while some people seem so greatly interested in you and seem to enjoy your company ?

How can you mail each other everyday and then just quit ? I know, for normal people, this might be a common thing. They don't value relationships that much because they have plenty ?

I am planning on sending one last mail to tell her I'm hurt. And I need no excuses. It's been too long to fix this. I need to forget about this woman.



sunshower
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04 Oct 2011, 5:01 am

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I wish I had better advice for you. I think online relationships do tend to be a bit unreliable, even with a really high rate of communication, until you've met the person IRL and established an IRL relationship. There's a large element of disconnection there still when you don't know them in person. It's easier to end online relationships abruptly because of feeling less obligation or guilt.


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poeticwrongplanet
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04 Oct 2011, 5:22 am

I think you might want to combine what was said in the thread called "Haven't heard from gf in over 2 weeks" with the thread called "Intensity EVER returned."

The bottom line is. Don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. There are so many variables involved here and the above two threads cover a lot of them.

sunshower also made a good point in that other people might find it easier to just cut and run away from an online-only relationship because of a disconnect they feel. Unfortunately, that doesn't quite apply to aspies, and if anything, I think I am capable of revealing more of myself and being more intimate with someone else in written format. So online correspondence carries a lot more meaning for us, than perhaps it would for other people.



PTSmorrow
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04 Oct 2011, 6:03 am

sunshower wrote:
It's easier to end online relationships abruptly because of feeling less obligation or guilt.


I wouldn't want a person to keep up with me only out of the reasons you mention. And it isn't true either.

People leave each other all the time for some or no reason at all. Some just walk out the door and leave their spouse behind with kids and debt.

Since i figured (randomly) how internet affairs and even online f*****g works, i cancelled dating at all since from my POV, online is so much better than physical in each way, from communication to sex and deep emotions.

kopetski, firstly you should have a number of gf's, not only one! This allows you to remain independent. If you stick to one single woman, this will make you highly vulnerable and needy since you expect her to meet all your needs. However, if you have more than one you raise your chances to find someone to have fun with each single day.

Secondly, never tell anybody how they can hurt you. If you tell her about your fears of abandonment, it's very likely that they will use this knowledge.

I don't advise you necessarily to set up your online harem :wink: except that's what you intend anyway; but having several friends/contacts online is helpful to avoid fixation.



kopetski
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05 Oct 2011, 9:34 am

thanks for your replies. I didn't get notifs but apparently you did respond.

I did read the one topic about 'gf didn't talk to me in 2 weeks'; Some things did feel uncomfortably *right* in a description on how people just stop communicating because they are tired of the other person and don't have the guts to say so.
But this also happened to me in real life 6 weeks ago with a girl I met 3 times in one week for one-on-one conversation/trip. So.. don't know who you can trust :evil:

How do you get 'multiple gfs' ??
I only had one (IRL) in 31 years of lifespan :s
I do look out for people and I'm quite open to new interesting people but I don't find a lot of those. I have two Aspie-friends online. I'm so grateful for them.. they understand it all. The clinginess, the struggle in everyday life.. I'm actually not satisfied with 'friends' that don't know how hard life is for me. I want them to have a certain level of deeper darkness.

I did something today that I should have done weeks ago. I've been thinking about mailing that woman one last time to say goodbye, and that the silence hurts me and that I have no idea what happened.. but I reread her last mail. A month ago, I mailed her to ask if she was still alive. Very open question, very neutral.. she told me she was seeing her ex again, and the ex wanted her back. She was spending all her time with her and said she felt trapped, since ex wanted her but she didn't love anyone. This last part says A LOT and I think I should just forget her as soon as possible. I don't want to deal with someone who literally says to me she doesn't care for any people in her life (she said this before but I never really got to be a direct victim before). As great as she might have been to me, I should RUN from her.

I 'm not looking for a girlfriend, this woman just happened to come along. Should just be grateful for the nice talks we had. Hope to find someone like that WITH a heart for me sometimes.. I want to be happy alone and get a life on my own, but loneliness sets in when fall/winter days are so long.



Last edited by kopetski on 05 Oct 2011, 10:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

Grisha
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05 Oct 2011, 9:44 am

Sorry to hear about this. :(

I've had the same thing happen to me more than once, only the relationship was not the same length/intensity.

It's just the nature of life/online relationships, you need to take the bad with the good.

I do think she should at least give an honest explanaton though, that would be the honorable thing to do, but certainly don't expect it to happen - move on...