Diminishing Returns?

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I have been living alone for the past 6 years or so while going through grad and now grad school. I have a stipend and my own apartment, I pay my bills, get my work done, etc, etc. I can't imagine life changing much from this even after I graduate and start work. Just coming home, alone; night after night. Unable to have any real type of friendships for whatever reason; mostly on my part - the inability to connect with but a rare few people in my life.

I recently had my first intimate relationship at 31. The girl of my dreams. It was only for a couple of months and she left me, but we were close friends for four years before that; so we really did know each other inside and out. We are still friends. However, this made me question everything that I ever though about love and what closeness feels like. I don't know that I could say that I *loved* her; neither could I say that I think I could ever feel anything more than what I felt for her.

Anyway, I don't really feel like there is much left to do in life; that was my only wish. To have a relationship has been the driving force in getting me up every morning for the past 18 years when I first gave up. It's like the movie groundhog day and its finally *TOMORROW*. It was *FINALLY* *tomorrow* after 18 years! Only thing is, it turns out tomorrow is pretty much like yesterday was.

I guess I'm just home on a Friday night rambling to whoever else is out there. Feel free to comment, opine, advise, or muse if you wish.

to the OP: you are still doing a lot better than many of the rest of us here on WP. you are very-high-functioning to be able to be in grad school, i barely graduated from high school. you had an intimate relationship which puts you head and shoulders above me, and you continue to have social connections though not as pervasive as you might wish. you still have something to be thankful for. i would love to have what you have.

That's the funny thing about tomorrow - it's rarely very much different from today. And a lifespan is usually a lot longer than one relationship, especially when you're autistic.

Dear Jonathon, I am sorry that the intimate side of your relationship did not last longer, but it is not necessarily you...she may have a fear of deep emotional closeness, or have felt she was not ready to make a commitment . As Aunt Blabby wrote, youARE doing a lot better than many of us, you have accomplished a LOT. Sylkat

I can definitely relate with this sentiment Jonathan. I have been in two serious relationships, and in both have felt this same way. The feeling that I don't know if it's possible for me to feel anything more than what I felt for her. I wish that I could give people the things they need from me, but at the same time... You are who you are, and I just can't help but think that maybe someday we'll find someone who takes the time to appreciate us for who we are. Don't give up, it's just one relationship, and just because that one didn't work out the way you'd hoped, doesn't mean that it won't happen again. You just have to keep trying. I must sound like a corny optimist, but I really believe it'll happen if you want it to, and you work at it.