The female Attraction to men Enigama Please enlighten me.

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Scythe
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08 Oct 2011, 12:41 am

I think I would prefer women to answer this as I think they might be a little more knowledgeable about the subject.

I have absolutely no clue on how to know if a girl is attracted to you. I am 28 and never dated. I am far to shy to even try. Well that and the last girls I liked turned gay with each other lol. I laugh now because that's the only way I know how to deal with that awkward moment in my life. Yeah they knew...I digress. I tend to have a very low self esteem I guess from being a social outcast but at times life gets rather dull and I have found this to be of my curiosity for a while. How does one know. I wish women were more forth coming. I have always been blunt and straight to the point but it seems women always want to play games. I don't know if aspie girls do the same thing though. I don't know.



ZakFiend
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hurtloam
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08 Oct 2011, 11:00 am

Scythe wrote:
I wish women were more forth coming. I have always been blunt and straight to the point but it seems women always want to play games. I don't know if aspie girls do the same thing though. I don't know.



Depends what you mean by the term 'play games.'
I have had a similar problem. I remember there was this one guy I was spending alot of time with. I wasn't sure if he fancied me or whether we were just friends. I got to the point where I had to ask. He told me he was just enjoying having a new friend. I think,we had spent enough time together by that point that if he'd been crushing on me, he was now over it and knew we could only be friends. I felt like he messed me about at the time. I was hurt and angry, but he didn't do anything wrong.

What i'm saying is that all this taking an interest in me wasnt game playing, he was just being cautious not to rush into anything.

Sometimes I think aspies desired to have everything clearly defined i.e. We are 'friends' or we are 'boyfriend and girlfriend' but I don't think everyone thinks like that. What may seem like 'game playing' is possibly actually someone testing the water, working out whether they do or do not want to take things further.



hyperlexian
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08 Oct 2011, 12:04 pm

i'd recommend the book "Body Language for Dummies" as it explains a great deal about how to read the signals people are giving off. i'd also advise you to work on your confidence so that you have the self-esteem to act on your feelings when you fall for someone. i misread signals a lot and have been rejected and hurt often (and have also turned down other people, so i have been on both sides... although i have been rejected far more times than i have rejected others).

i believe it is better to act on your feelings to take a chance instead of second-guessing and thereby definitively losing out. with no risk there is no reward.

also, i have done a lot of people-watching with NT friends (people-watching is considered less creepy if you do it with a partner as opposed to alone) and tried to discern the relationships and feelings between strangers based on their interactions. this helped me "read" other people as they interacted, so i had more tools in my toolbox. i came to understand my own body language better too, so i could signal interst more effectively, as well as seeing interest in others.

hurtloam's post is quite awesome - people are constantly testing the waters and seeing if there is chemistry, and then there is a tipping point where a decision is made about where the relationship is heading (i.e. friend/acquaintance/love interest/nothing). these are not games, but rather a reflection of a person's natural caution and slow warming-up.


(the first post in reply to your topic was PUA material, and i would caution away from that if you want to have a meaningful connection wtih a female and want to approach her as a human being as opposed to a disposable mark.)


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Scythe
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08 Oct 2011, 2:44 pm

I guess the reason I see it as games is because I have literately observed it in people and been a victim of it for the girls amusement and nothing else. It kind of messed me up. It was not that they just wanted to be friends they literately used me to get what they wanted and played around with my head like some sick game. Lies and leading me on, etc. I have no idea how to work on the self esteem unfortunately. I will try.



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08 Oct 2011, 3:10 pm

Do you mean "Enigma"?

There is no enigma when it comes to relationships; just be prepared to love when love finds you, that's all there is to it!


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TeaEarlGreyHot
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08 Oct 2011, 3:13 pm

I don't bother reading signals anymore. I get them all wrong 99% of the time, anyway. If I want someone, I go for them unless told not to. My advice would be to do the same.

Games suck, plain and simple.

As for other women... I haven't got a clue. If I did, I might have a girlfriend. :lol:


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simon_says
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08 Oct 2011, 3:30 pm

Enigama? Didn't he team up with Gamera to fight Godzilla?



poeticwrongplanet
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08 Oct 2011, 4:41 pm

Well, that's one of your first problems, OP. Don't expect women to give honest upfront answers in the realm of relationships. :lol:

For example, the majority of women when asked will say they want a nice, well mannered guy. But when it comes to who turns them on, and who makes them feel that raw primal attraction, it's invariably the opposite of that...a dominant guy who teases them like a little sister, and is a bit of an ass. Don't blame them though. While logic might make them say they want one thing, the hormones and their genes give them that primal reaction to the other.



hurtloam
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08 Oct 2011, 5:09 pm

poeticwrongplanet wrote:
Well, that's one of your first problems, OP. Don't expect women to give honest upfront answers in the realm of relationships. :lol:


I hope you're joking. That is a very sexist remark.

I feel like there is this urban myth going around circles of men that women only want a certain type of guy. It isn't fair on women to say that they're all the same and all want the same thing because believe it or not, women are actually individuals with different upbringings, different social statuses, different levels of education, different interests, different hormone levels, different cultures, different ideas on what handsome is, different ideas on how they want to be treated...

It's not fair on men either because it makes shy, quiet types think that they are not good enough. Stop telling the kind polite, caring men that they are deficient. They are not. My brother is a caring person, he buys flowers for his wife for no reason, he isn't in a high paying job, he isn't a party animal, he's quiet, he would never hurt a fly. He has a wife. Nice men can be attractive to women. And i'm not biased in my view, even though he is my younger brother, he is a hard worker, he is respectful to our family friends and is well liked and has a good reputation in general.

Not all women play games either. Some of us just like things to be straight forward. I like it when a guy is enjoyable to be around and we can spend time together and just talk about things that interest us, mostly music in my case, it's one of my obsessions.

I dont want a man who talks at me, I like him to view me as someone he enjoys talking to and listening to. I like doing nice things for the guy, maybe surprise him by making dinner and I like it when he does nice things for me. Its a mutual respect and a mutual enjoyment of being around each other.

Um, what i'm saying is don't view getting to know women as if you are shopping for a commodity. Women are people, just like men are people. We all want to be respected. Some women might use you, some men might, and have, use me. Hey, some people are selfish, but not all people are selfish. Don't throw your hands up in dispair and call all women crazy, it isn't true.



poeticwrongplanet
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08 Oct 2011, 5:22 pm

^Well my tongue was sort of in my cheek when I made that remark. But the point still stands. A lot of women for instance feel that it would be "polite" to tell a guy they're not attracted to "I think you're a great guy, let's just be friends" rather than just coming out and telling him outright that the feelings aren't mutual.

I'm glad you gave such an open response though. And I agree with you on most of your points. But you're older and wiser now, and have a better perspective on things than the younger representatives of your gender (which the OP and myself have to deal with).



Lonermutant
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08 Oct 2011, 5:26 pm

It's all about genetic and status.



hurtloam
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08 Oct 2011, 5:43 pm

poeticwrongplanet wrote:
But you're older and wiser now, and have a better perspective on things than the younger representatives of your gender (which the OP and myself have to deal with).


Ah, yes, I keep forgetting that i'm in a different peer group to most of the people on here. Yeah, when I think back I used to get frustrated by how shallow everyone around me was when I was younger. Hmmm, I guess there are advantages to getting older. :)



hyperlexian
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08 Oct 2011, 7:08 pm

poeticwrongplanet wrote:
A lot of women for instance feel that it would be "polite" to tell a guy they're not attracted to "I think you're a great guy, let's just be friends" rather than just coming out and telling him outright that the feelings aren't mutual.


telling a man he is a great guy and that they should be friends IS saying the feelings are not mutual. that is why they are better as friends and nothing more. there is nothing ambiguous in that statement. at least such a man is deemed worthy of friendship, which is a good sign.


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08 Oct 2011, 7:11 pm

aww!