Mother in law issues

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Hi all,
To start, I'm new, so thank you for this forum. I have a situation that I am unable to work around, so as I have with any difficult life decision, I'm seeking advice from strangers on the Internet. Again, thanks.

So my FIL passed away in July, and my MIL and her (adopted) 10 yr old daughter have come to stay with us temporarily until they can get on their feet. This is necessary bc MIL is 61, speaks minimal English, can't (won't) drive, and didn't go to school. So she is less than equipped to function in The Real World, much less raise a soon-to-be teenager with significant learning disabilities. I like MIL (call her Maria) and SIL (call her Lupe) quite a bit, and have told them many times in the month at they've been here how happy I am to have them with us. Which I am. Really.

The problem is that Maria is EXTREMELY insecure and continues to ask my husband (call him Miguel) if I'm mad at her. She is convinced that she's an inconvenience and a burden and that she's stressing me out. She also gets embarrassed by Lupe's actions, none of which have been anything beyond normal 10 yr old stuff, and is constantly yelling at her. Miguel says that this is BC she's self conscious and thinks I'm going to be mad at her. Uh, wtf?

Miguel now says that she wants to move out this week BC she knows that they stress me out, etc. This has been going on the entire time she's been there, even tho we've had what I thought were deep conversations about parenting and such, and I tell her often how much I appreciate her. Miguel keeps asking me to reassure her that I'm not mad at her and he says that my face looks like I'm mad, even if I'm not. I feel that this is enabling codependency and won't do it. It feels forced and insincere and above all, ridiculous.

I wish I could explain my "quirks" to her, but my Spanish isn't that great, and even if it was, I don't think she would understand anyway. She already blames Lupe for getting sh***y grades in school, most of which is BC she has dyslexia and (we just discovered) should have been in ESL for years but that was never addressed. I honestly am not losing sleep over what she thinks about my face or whatever, but it's really hard on Miguel. He is trying to make his recently widowed mom happy and take care of his sister, as he promised his dad he would do. This all seems very dramatic and pointless to me so the more she bugs him about it, the more annoyed I get.

Can anyone offer some objective advice for either me or Miguel? As I was typing this, he texted to tell me that she wanted to get me a specific birthday gift that I had talked about, but can't find one, so which of these other 2 options would I like (neither)? I said thanks for the gesture but why don't you guys relax and go home? He said she would take it the wrong way so I had to pick one. Wtf?

First, I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds as though you and your husband are quite admirable and honorable, and that is quite heartening for me to read.

I could empathize with the downward spiral of insecurity you describe. Things are all peachy at first, but the insecure one starts to feel the burden, and then the need for constant reassurance actually becomes the annoying part and not the original set of circumstances.


The question here is if this relationship is to work, who should change? Should anyone change? I think you're right that you shouldn't change...and you're correct that validating an insecure personality doesn't help them become a stronger person. Your MIL seems like she was highly co-dependent on the FIL. In short, it seems like your assessment of the situation is sound.

However, she is 61 and has just lost her husband. That is not the best situation for her to begin change either.

It's difficult no matter how you look at it. Perhaps you and your husband try talking to the MIL about your AS. I know you said she might not understand...but perhaps she doesn't have to understand completely. She just needs something to alleviate a bit of her insecurity.

This. And. sometimes calling AS something that is more familiar to her (depending upon her culture) might help her to understand. Maybe you can discuss this with your husband? Some cultures just don't get the concept AS, sad but true. It must be a very trying and difficult situation to find yourself in. The constant need for reassurance would make me very weary indeed!