I've been "odd" all of my life. This goes without saying. but recently as I get older I've done some researching and have begun to wonder if my problems are truly what's wrong with me. To date I've been diagnosed with Bipolar,ADD, ADHD, Anxiety and phobia disorders, OCD, depression, Borderline Personality Disorder and Eating disorders. I'm sure some people will read this and be like "What the heck is she doing on here, she's obviously a different kind of different" but the more I think (and talk to my mother) I wonder if my problem all along has been that I have Asperger's or am on the Autism spectrum.
I've always been clumsy, had gross motor skill coordination problems, been overly sensitive to external stimuli (loud noises and bright lights especially. I don't like to "go fast" either) and had social difficulties. I've learned to "copy" people's social interactions and constantly have to ask myself when interacting with someone if I'm "doing it right", alot of time I have difficulty explaining or articulating my emotions, sometimes I don't even know what to call them. My ex constantly tells me I have no empathy and I don't see when I hurt someone and that I'm very poor at reading body language and facial expressions. I often misinterpret things because of this and assume that it's a personal attack on me. She also says I don't know the difference when someone is joking with me or being serious.
I also have problem regulating and controlling my emotions and impulses. I can lash out physically and strike someone when I don't know how to express what I'm feeling or when I'm told that what I am feel is not really what I'm feeling or that everything I say is "an excuse" to act the way I do.
I also have abomonally (sp?) low self esteem and have a history of self harming (cutting, hitting or punching myself) to punish myself for my transgressions. This will also coincide with the above, if I cannot express myself in a way that people understand, I will slap my face or punch myself. I'm so ashamed to admit these things but this is starting to ruin my life.....
I've always been in special ed and had severe school phobia/refusal as a child and didn't graduate from high school.
My real questions are these, does this sound like I could be on the Autism spectrum and is it possible to have a personality disorder (Borderline or Avoidant, I've been diagnosed with the latter based on self harming behaviors but I suspect the former) while also being on the Autism spectrum?
My therapist maintains that I have BPD and nothing more. I do agree that SOME of the BPD criteria fit me. I have self harmed, and I have had an eating disorder. But most of my emotional outbursts and aggression is fueled by the inablility to communicate effectively, I do fear abandonment but it's because I've always been alone, always been socially akward, always have had one or no friends and can count all the (lesbian) romantic relationships I've had on one hand. (I wasn't always out) I know something is wrong with me, I want to be close to people, I want friendships and romantic relationships but I don't know how to initiate or maintain relationships.
What is wrong with me?
I'll totally understand if I get run off of here too, I might be too different to be on here, sorry if I've offended anyone with my posting, let me know and I will delete my post.
13 Oct 2011, 9:03 pm
