Need NT Advice; Talking to GF About Having Kids

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Of course I'm interested in anyone's perspective, but I need help figuring out what my NT girlfriend is thinking.

Something happened today that really bothered me.

The gf (been together for years, already planning on getting married once we have the money to do it right) loves amusement parks, always has since she was a kid, she was talking about where she wanted to take our (possible future) kids.

I tried to warn her that if our kids were like me, then amusement parks would likely be the exact opposite of their idea of a good time. That the crowds might be overwhelming for them, and we might need to find other things we could do as a family. Amusement parks were pretty much a nightmare for me as a kid.

She burst into tears. She kept saying "it's nothing" when I asked her what was wrong. Eventually she calmed down, but still wouldn't tell me what was the matter.

So, the possibility of having kids that end up like me is apparently enough to bring someone to tears. Maybe, if she told me what she was thinking, I'd have more to go on than that. But her reaction, though I know it wasn't the least bit intentional, was very hurtful.

I need to talk to her about this sometime soon. I need to know how to get her to tell me what she's thinking. And I need some idea of what kinds of things she might tell me. The more I know what to expect, the easier it'll be to have a healthy productive discussion.

Please help.

Last edited by mds_02 on 14 Oct 2011, 8:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'll get back to you tonight.

That sounds like a very hurtful situation, I hope you can resolve it for the best. While I can't offer any insight into the NT point of view, I will say one thing I have observed.

People in general often have dreams that their children will be very much similar to them. Women dream of having little girls that will play with the dolls they played with, and who will go shopping at their favorite stores and share clothes with them. Guys think their sons will be great at the sports they played in High School, and no one dreams that their children will choose a different religion, political affiliation, or things like that. Obviously, these expectations are totally unrealistic a large portion of the time.

So there may be some grieving for the things in her dream that her lost, while the children are still theoretical. The good news is, it seems that once children are actually in the family, caring and concerned parents (like yourself and your girlfriend) love their offspring so much that they can adjust to the reality of the child, even though the child turns out not to be a tiny mini-me in the ways they had dreamed previously.

I hope my two cents helps you a tiny bit, and let us know how your talk with her turns out.

I'm not sure but to me it looks as if your gf feels hurt as well. I don't think you should refer her reaction to your person.
Maybe she wanted to talk in general about having kids with you... I don't think the amusement park or leisure activities with your future kids was really the topic. It seems to me more as a way to initiate a conversation about kids maybe to find out your opinion and her reaction that she bursted in tears looks to me that she has good reasons.
I assume she feels hurt because she maybe interpreted the things you said as a indirect 'no' to kids or at least as something to put in question. I don't know if you both have already talked about the having kids topic.
But it also can mean that she is over time with her menstruation and she thinks she could be pregnant or she already knows... the way she reacted seemed very emotionally so be prepared.

Well I'm not NT but I'm female, married and we have a son and I know when a woman says 'it's nothing' be sure there's a reason.
I hope you can clear things with her soon and it will be alright for both of you whatever the reason.

It's possible that you've assessed her reaction correctly. It's also possible that she's picturing you (or her future child(ren)) at an amusement park, miserable and overwhelmed, and she is heartbroken at the image. She might be crying for you, as a child, enduring those difficulties; she could have been displaying empathy.

Somtimes we hear or see something which suddenly and intensly illuminates a situation which has heretofore remained just beyond the perifery of our perception; a sudden understanding or insight is grasped.

If this is what occurred to your girlfriend; allowing her exist with it until she has tested it against the daily reality of your relationship and has had time to settle in with it; would be wise. You'll need to draw upon your trust in her, your trust in yourself and your trust in the integrity of your relationship in order to allow a little light and air into this situation, whatever it is.

The quote above shows fear, not trust. Don't you believe that she will reveal herself when she is ready and able? Don't you believe that you will be able to receive her when she does?

That's just it, I trust in her (not to willfully hurt me, at least), but not in myself or in the integrity of our relationship. Every relationship I've had, romantic or otherwise, I've lost. All the years we've been together, I've been afraid that eventually dealing with me will be too much and that she will abandon me just like everyone else I've allowed myself to feel close to.

The last six months or so have only made things worse; We've spent the majority of our relationship living together, but we both lost our jobs about a year ago, and our apartment a few months later. We had to move back in with our respective families while we looked for work. I found a job, and am saving up and waiting for her to find work so we can live together again. Withe the long hours I work, we only see each other for a half hour or so each day, and only really get to spend time together on the weekends.

I'm really scared that this might end up being the issue that finally convinces her to leave. And even if it's not, it's a big step closer.



We have talked about having kids before. She knows that it scares me, but that I do want a family one day.



Oh god, I hope not. Not yet, at least. But I actually keep pretty good track of that (not that I'd ever tell her that, she'd think I was crazy), and I don't think she's late.



I've thought of this since I posted. It feels really f---ed up that the most positive spin I can put on her behavior is that being with me is crushing her dreams.

I would interpret it that she was sharing a dream and you put up objections even though you were genuinely considering it and giving it thought which is in fact taking it seriously. She might see it more that you were objecting to children as you came up with obstacles or you just said the wrong thing and it came across as insensitive.

Maybe it is something to do with your relationship e.g. sometimes she feels she would like to do something like a theme park but can't because you would be unhappy even though she still loves you. There's no way of knowing without talking to her.

It might be worth talking to her and explaining that you have AS and can't interpret why you upset her and really didn't mean to and want to talk to her and resolve it but don't know how.

You could try listening i.e. letting her talk and don't really say much so she gets out whatever it is. A lot of the time women just want to tell someone something and/or have someone agree with them.

Is there any chance she is pregnant and gauging your reaction? Just a random thought.

Any relationship advise I have to give is based on the premise that the couple is together because each individual's life is better because they are together. I've never been afraid of abandonment because if my partner wants out; then I want him out, no matter the heartbreak I may feel. I only want a relationship that's a good fit for both of us.

Trust is ancillary to this; I want my partner and myself to have the time and space to weigh our realtionship, in good faith, against whatever issues arise. Sometimes this has resulted in losing a partner (or leaving myself) and the ensuing pain. But better the pain than remaining a couple if it's a bad fit.

If your girlfriend wants children and had not yet taken seriously the possibility that your children may be on the spectrim; this is exactly the sort of good faith relationship weighing that I am refering to. She needs to weigh this concept seriously. And whether or not this triggers your abandonment insecurities; you need her to search her heart on this, because it's a very real possibility.

If you're thinking of having children, browsing the Parents Discussion section of this site might be appropriate. Here's a post which may or may not be relevant (though it is in Love & Dating):
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp4058842 ... t=#4058842

Turnabout is fair play: have you considered that you might get the short end of the stick? You might end up with five neurotypical kids that you can't understand in the slightest and who want to do things you detest.

Best advice about kids: don't try to anticipate them. All you can ever afford kids is a steadying hand and some personal values. Anticipating who they will be (especially before they're even born) is a fool's errand.

However much it hurts, I know that this must be what she is doing right now and that there is nothing I can do about it. I wish it were not the case. Selfish as it is, I wish I could just decide for her that she will stay and be happy.

I know there is precious little I can do to affect her decision. I know I cannot speed it along. But not knowing is torture. All I want is for her to tell me what she's thinking so far. If it's bad enough that she might leave, I want to at least know that.

I spent a good amount of time with her the last few days. She didn't seem so different than usual, but when I tried to ask her (several times) about what had happened, she just kind of deflected the question.

And she's not pregnant, as of this weekend we know that for sure. You guys had me scared.



While I want every advantage for my future kids (and being NT is a pretty big advantage), five neurotypical kids in one house sounds...

There's no word in the English language for how much fear that strikes into me.

I agree with you about not trying to anticipate so much. I just have to hope that she does too.

Dear mds, I don't know a nice way to put this, but are you both sure that she completely understands the permanence of your condition? Many well-meaning, caring NTs convince themselves that things will change over time, or that most of the symptoms will sort of dissipate if one has a good life, with loving people, etcetera...maybe she never has really faced that this is genetic, permanent, and that there is no test like for Downs Syndrome. I truly wish the best for you both, Sylkat

This is something I hadn't considered. I guess I've just sort of assumed, hadn't thought about it at all really, that she realized that. But it makes sense. I mean, I could see myself thinking that way if I were in a similar poaition. I'm going to have to find a way to ask her that doesn't come across the wrong way.

Same situation with my wife a few years ago, and MAYBE I have an idea what's going on... It could be, that she is very much in love with you, and she has the natural desire to have kids with you. But the problem is, she hasn't really thought about what likelihood there is, of having Aspie or Autistic kids when one parent is on the spectrum. And in my case, it's a double-whammy of a likelihood since I'm 44, and older fathers (even NT) seem to be more likely to produce autistic kids. Maybe this all just hit her, and she is scared that if she stays with you, she must sacrifice her motherly instinct, or she must submit to the realistic possibility of having a baby with autism or Asperger's, and she's now scared and in a corner. My wife is 46, and at this point, she is OK with not ever having kids. She has 2 nephews and a niece, and they are great kids (now late teens & 20), and I guess those kids did the trick for her as far as feeling like she had a part in raising them.

I can't speak for you or your GF, and I don't know your ages (excuse me if I skipped over details in the thread). I'd have a real talk with her, and there are MANY ways you could go. You could agree ahead of time that it's OK if you have a baby on the Spectrum, or you could adopt, or use artificial means to have her baby with donated sperm, etc etc. There are plenty of answers out there!

Charles

This is true. It's especially true for women with high mothering instincts. And there's some logic to it. Women with high mothering instincts have high confidence in nurturing. She sees a man with some childlike traits and feels that all he needs is her nurturing love to cure & mature him. I've seen a lot of this in plenty of women I know. I think of it as my gender's grandiose error.