Please, I have a question about people who argue.

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CaptainTrips222
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15 Oct 2011, 4:39 am

I'll keep it short. Please give your thoughts, because I want opinions.

I noticed people who argue constantly aren't well liked, and don't have many friends. I've befriended people like this in my life due to common interest, and I noticed they didn't have that many people to hang out with. But in spite of this, they still argued vehemently over inconsequential crap, which I suspect drove others away. Of course pointing it out did no good, because they would just argue against me. In other words, their problem was arguing, but if confronted, they'd argue against me.

My question; do you think they "get it?" I mean, do you think they mean well but just don't realize what they're doing, or are they in denial?

I can't bring myself to believe they don't care. It doesn't make sense. If they yearn for friendship, why would they destroy it?



Orr
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15 Oct 2011, 7:37 am

In my opinion, sometimes people believe that 'winning' an argument is more important than whether there is any truth, or value in their stated position. The most argumentative person I know, usually argues about things which, based on their arguments, appears they know very little of, will often suddenly change their position, usually in a quite subtle manner, and then switch to another point, which I believe they feel will get them what they want, which is for people to tell them that they are correct, and raise their self-esteem, and for them to never be wrong (in their own mind).

I would say that these people may be desperate for better relationships, but are handicapped by their own feelings of inadequacy. Because they feel so small and unimportant, they need to fight for every chance of esteem, and in doing so they distance others, making the feelings of appreciation they desire more unlikely. I think that on some level they possibly do 'get it', but need to make an introspective breakthrough to consciously understand their problems. If they are as defensive of their own thoughts within their mind as when defending those thoughts against others, then self-critical thinking must be difficult.

Just my thoughts, in short.



jackbus01
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15 Oct 2011, 8:19 am

The are some people that just need to win an arguement. It probably has to do with low self-esteem, they just can't permit themselves to say things like "maybe you were right", etc. This might be because they might feel weak if they were wrong. I think people have to have good self esteem in order to admit they were wrong. That's just a guess. I think if you look hard enough most people have some small amount of self-defeating behaviors--its just human nature.



SkipNip
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15 Oct 2011, 9:08 am

I have no idea but heres an experience of mine. One of the lab techs at my college who turned out to actually have high functioning autism (coincidence because according to the disability officer, there are only 26 diagnosed people in the college). I respected him because I assumed he was like me but whenever I'd talk to him about my interests or anything else for that matter he'd turn it into an argument. I don't take s**t from anyone and he was no exception so he ended up with a huge grudge against me cuz I returned the disrespect he was giving me. At one point he spotted me doing something dangerous and he stared at me for about 5 seconds then just shouts "GET THE f**k OUT OF THIS LAB!" and he didn't take it well when I made it clear I wasn't going anywhere. Anyhow he eventually he found out that I have high functioning autism (my friend told him) and his attitude changed completely. According to my friend, he said "ah so he has what I have, now I feel really bad about dealing with him the way I did". The next day to my amazement he actually apologised to me and I never had another argument with him again. My theory is that he is also diagnosed with HFA and he has prejudice views towards NTs. When he thought I was an NT, he didn't like me and had no tolerance for the way I talk/behave (which can make me appear to be a slacker who doesn't care about anything). When I found out that I have HFA then he understood why I am the way I am. This highlights one of the variables behind why some people are argumentative. If someone has somewhat of a resentment of others due to their belief system then they will be more inclined to argue with everyone they encounter. It doesn't matter if they actually disagree with what the person is saying, they have a grudge against them so they'll actively search for reasons to argue with them. I can see this in myself, when my brother gives me some s**t (which he does a lot) and I can't verbally defend myself then I'm left feeling like I was unfairly treated so I want to get back at him. I'll listen to what he says and look for things that I can start (and win) an argument over.

I think you'll notice that your friend argues with you less than he does with other people cuz your his friend. When you disagree with anything he says then he'll start giving you the same treatment he gives other people.



jackbus01
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15 Oct 2011, 9:16 am

SkipNip wrote:
I have no idea but heres an experience of mine. One of the lab techs at my college who turned out to actually have high functioning autism (coincidence because according to the disability officer, there are only 26 diagnosed people in the college). I respected him because I assumed he was like me but whenever I'd talk to him about my interests or anything else for that matter he'd turn it into an argument. I don't take sh** from anyone and he was no exception so he ended up with a huge grudge against me cuz I returned the disrespect he was giving me. At one point he spotted me doing something dangerous and he stared at me for about 5 seconds then just shouts "GET THE f**k OUT OF THIS LAB!" and he didn't take it well when I made it clear I wasn't going anywhere. Anyhow he eventually he found out that I have high functioning autism (my friend told him) and his attitude changed completely. According to my friend, he said "ah so he has what I have, now I feel really bad about dealing with him the way I did". The next day to my amazement he actually apologised to me and I never had another argument with him again. My theory is that he is also diagnosed with HFA and he has prejudice views towards NTs. When he thought I was an NT, he didn't like me and had no tolerance for the way I talk/behave (which can make me appear to be a slacker who doesn't care about anything). When I found out that I have HFA then he understood why I am the way I am. This highlights one of the variables behind why some people are argumentative. If someone has somewhat of a resentment of others due to their belief system then they will be more inclined to argue with everyone they encounter. It doesn't matter if they actually disagree with what the person is saying, they have a grudge against them so they'll actively search for reasons to argue with them. I can see this in myself, when my brother gives me some sh** (which he does a lot) and I can't verbally defend myself then I'm left feeling like I was unfairly treated so I want to get back at him. I'll listen to what he says and look for things that I can start (and win) an argument over.

I think you'll notice that your friend argues with you less than he does with other people cuz your his friend. When you disagree with anything he says then he'll start giving you the same treatment he gives other people.


I think in this situation you both shared something in common. In his mind you probably changed from "annoying person" to "someone who has HFA like I do" that changed his outlook toward you. Note: I am not saying you are annoying, I am talking about the way he perceived you.