How to explain it to people?

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I have been feeling quite down recently. Just started a new job, and the emphasis is high on socialising. I never quite fit in. And whenever something good happens to me I usually do or say something that ruins it. I never mean to, but I usually say things or do things that I shouldn't. So I have been feeling down, wishing I was normal and wishing the aspergers away. And of course my friends are trying to make me feel better by telling me that they would have me no other way etc. So I tried to explain exactly what it's like to have aspergers. They didn't really get it.

I tried to point out that I have absolutely no idea of body language, and tried to say it would be like me giving them something to read in a language they don't understand. I tried to explain how I never know what to say or things like that. I said about going out, they do a lot of going down the pub. And one of the girls said 'then just go'. How do I explain that quiet lunch at the pub with friends is completely different that evening crowded pub with work colleagues (who may as well be strangers to me). And how do I explain the sensory overload issue with them.

When I tried to explain that I don't get the jokes or whatever, they just say 'I do that sometimes too' so then I try to point out that I am like it ALL the time. My friends are all a bit different, and one of them she was in a job where she didn't fit in, so she gets that bit, but how do I explain to her what it's like for me? She's the one who said to just go to the pub.

She also said 'you need to ask how they are' and things like that. I do, when I remember, but there is just so much to remember. They sit and talk around the table at lunchtime (we can only eat in the staffroom and all have lunch at the same time. I dread lunchtimes). They all chat, and it's hard enough for me to keep track of what's being said, work out what they really mean (people never say what they mean), decide if what I have to say is appropriate, make sure my comment is still relevant, and know when I can actually speak. She totally doesn't get that those little bits in conversation are all a conscious effort for me. And while it may appear easy when I am around my friends, that's because with them I have learnt their little nuances, and I still even get it wrong with them, but the know me so accept it.

Then she said that no one makes friends in the first week. I replied that I don't want to make friends with them. I'm not interested in friends at work. I just want to not offend or upset people. I just want to not mess up.

But I still think my friends don't actually understand me. Because they just kept saying 'it's their problem, not yours.' but it is my problem, if I'm the one not fitting it. I'm not sure how to explain to them everything that I feel and how difficult things are, because every time I said anything, they were like 'I feel that sometimes too' and I tried to explain that I feel like it ALL the time.

How do you make people realise? Because they were just saying how they wouldn't want me to change, and they love my strange ways, and I was trying to get them to see what it's like to actually live with it. They seem to be able to adapt their personalities to different environment, and I can't.

Okay, I get the "Yeah, I'm that way too sometimes." kind of dismissal type comments. We all do.

Me? I've actually found that a flat contradiction is sometimes needed to get the point across. I once found myself so angry at one of our son's school case managers who kept saying, "I know what it's like. I've worked with over twenty Autistic kids for the past six years." She was saying this any time I disagreed with her about how to handle certain situations with our sons.

Really?

"NO YOU DON'T KNOW! You will never know, until you can come to me and say, 'I've lived with Autism for fifty years, have three sons with Autism, and probably a wife with it too.'"

Sometimes I think the best response to get the point across is simply to tell them, "No! You DON'T get like this! Not to the extent or as often as I do!"

I know these people are usually just trying to let you know they identify, but they really need to know that they CANNOT identify. An occasional lapse is not even CLOSE to an ongoing lack that NEVER goes away.

I feel what you're saying, i get this all the time, and people dismiss what im saying and act as if it isnt important cause 'they have it sometimes too'' which is not what im saying, cause im experiencing this all the time and people just dont get it.
im sorry i dont know how to advice you on this, its really hard to get people to understand anything unless theyre in the same boat

ok here is my new thinking on the issue. My visualisation of Aspergers from my perspective is:

There is a canyon between myself and everyone else. I really like the canyon. I'm happy on my side. People keep trying to talk to me but I can't "hear" them because there is a wind blowing between us. But I like people, so I like to hang out at the canyon edge.

People keep trying to talk to me and I suggest we look for what I think of as being a tightrope; a means of connecting, a common interest. Of course being so thin it is tricky to find. So I'm on my side looking and whistling and have given up on trying to hear what they are saying to me while we are looking. My only interest is the shared goal of the tightrope. But they keep "shouting", trying to connect with me and trying to "enjoy the journey" until we get to the goal. I understand the wisdom in this but it is just too difficult for me. I have struggled for 40 years to accommodate NTs but I don't wish to spend the next 40 years doing so. It is exhausting.

So we, my friends and I, are walking together. Some have stopped trying to get me to be "normal" and have learned the fine art of connecting without talking. So there are times when we are walking together silently, on opposite sides of the canyon but much closer than before. We may not find the tightrope and that's ok with me now. If we do? Fantastic! I know my tendency would be to live beside it and keep trying to attract the attention of my friends but I know that does not work. O well.

One thing I am grateful for is finally having some acceptance and enjoyment of my own company.

That canyon Analogy is really good. Thanks for that.

I'm talking about it with my best friend today. I've not really spoken to him because whenever I try he hasn't accepted that I have aspergers and I didn't want to get into a disagreement with him abot it. But I've decided to get that diagnoses. (I was told I have it but at the time said I didn't want a formal diagnoses for fear that I'd have to disclose it at interviews). I'm quite nervous but your analogy is really good.

I do consider myself lucky that I have some really wonderful friends. Though only my best friend has been friends with me and we have never fallen out. The others are great people and I'm glad I could go to them yesterday with a problem. But I feel there would be two people in my life I couldn't live without. My husband and my best friend.

To OP:
I think that for any aspie, starting a new job is really hard because of all of the things you have to remember so you can do your job, without even starting with socialising and colleagues.
I've been in my job now for just over a year. I lost count last year of the number of times I was told to be more sociable. Being a teacher, I had the advantage of hiding away in my classroom at lunchtime, "working", so that I didn't have to keep going to the staffroom at lunchtime. Then after a while I started to go in just to eat my sandwich, then go away again. Then in about June, I started to stay in there the first half hour of the lunch break in the attempt to talk to people: several times I ended up getting myself upset because I had no idea what the conversations were about, and I ended up saying stupid things or upsetting people. I'm still trying with this, as I can still only really follow 1 conversation with 2 other people maximum and manage to contribute- any more and I'm lost.
It takes time to work on this- if you have only just started at your job, don't try to do too much too early.

And the rest of the debate...
I find it really frustrating that noone really understands what it is like to have autism. When I told my boss I have AS, the response was "lots of people here have autistic tendencies". Well, yes most people do have something you could class as an autistic tendency, I agree. BUT THAT'S DIFFERENT! I think the perception of autism is still the really LFA side- non-verbal, rocking and screaming and incapable of looking after yourself. People in general have very little idea of what HFA and AS is like, especially among those of us who can hide it well most of the time, who have found coping strategies and who can put on the NT act. That's the problem I have- people have no idea what actually goes on inside as all they see is the outside.
From the other point of view, though, if you are NT then you cannot know what it is like to be autistic. Even those who have children/partners with autism can only really have a limited knowledge (though masses more than most), unless thay are themselves autistic.
We all have to remember that NTs do try to understand (mostly), the ones who care make an effort to learn about autism and try their best to use that knowledge to help us. We have to realise that, no, NTs don't know what it is like to be autistic, and that will always happen and we must deal with that. Sometimes our ToM issues mean that we expect people to know how we think, what we feel and what we are experiencing, and they don't. Somehow we must find the words to explain, somehow we have to keep trying to explain to those who are important to us so we can have understanding, and somehow we must accept that people cannot understand what we are experiencing unless they have themselves experienced it.

At some point, you have to realise that people will not understand, and stop trying to explain.

And remember, those who love us will try to understand, those who matter to us, don't mind our quirks. But those who mind, don't matter at all, those who fail to TRY to understand clearly don't love us.

Most easily understood explanation of Aspergers I know of.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt112787.html