Good evening,
I am new to Wrong Planet but not to AS. I was diagnosed years ago, and have been through CBT (cognative-behavorial therapy), as well as mentoring and years of practice. The downside is that I am still just learning to read NTs, and there are some things I will never be able to do. I accept that.
The upside is that I have been successful enough in learning techniques that I have done well in my vocation, have been married for many years with kids. I don't have many close friends, but I do get invited to Starbucks by co-workers and they share their lives and thoughts with me, confiding in me because I will not judge them. My managment likes and trusts me, seeks my advice, and I do my best to give them the information they need to make the best decisions they can.
Here is what I have learned over the many years, successes and failures. Trust me there have failed numerous times in life:
People are people. NTs are not illogical, stupid, or confused. The difference is that they fire thoughts through different parts of the brain and emotions leak heavily into their thought process. They negotiate what is really happening with what they feel about it. We try to filter what they are saying without understanding that there are overriding patterns we are not aware of. At the same time there are patterns present and patience and attentiveness will reveal them to us.
Sincerity, honesty, respectfulness and compassion get you far in this world. I cannot feel empathy, but I do care about people and I make sure that they know that I care. They respond by wanting me around, asking for my advice, and genuinely caring about my life. I appreciate that.
I have found that if I work hard and add value with the creative logic and efficiency of my AS brain, (with the awareness of a few well placed, sensitive NTs knowing that I have AS and am trying hard to connect), they run interference for me. They mediate and smooth the waters over and I don't have to try to do such an impossible task alone.
Become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Change is the only constant in this life. If I make myself gently push my comfort zones outward on a daily basis, I have been able to live in an NT world. This includes multiple girlfriends and dating, job interviews, working at trade shows, participating in functions, and having lunch with and presenting to high-powered individuals in government and industry. CBT with LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of practice makes that happen.
Finally, I come off as harsh in my comments. It is for 3 reasons:
First, NTs and the world are not out to get "us" whomever "us" may be. Aspies are a blip on their radar, and bullies target people that are different and don't stand up for themselves. Aspies are part of that group, but so are many others. I was bullied as a kid. I am also now a combat veteran, and I stand up for myself. All NTs were not that bully, and lumping them together is just like the ignorant who lump us all together. They use a different section of the brain and may not be as logical, but they work with what they have as do we.
Secondly, no one asked to be born, no one asked for or could choose the circumstances of their birth, and no one asked to have Aspergers. That’s the hand we were dealt. No one will help us if we are not willing to try to help ourselves. Whining, complaining, or looking for the pat on the back won't fix anything. I came from abject poverty and homelessness as a kid to end up with a home, a family, and an education. Like many of you I was blessed with a high IQ but that wasn't a guarantee. God helped me, as did others, but I can assure you that I did too many 60-80 hour work weeks for too many years. So hard work plays a large part leveraging our innate skills, interests and passions.
Finally, free your mind. Don't accept what others tell you can and cannot do. Do not assume that the books, even the ones that seem to resemble your life, can dictate how your life will end up. Figure it out yourself, push your boundaries, and if people don't like it then take a breath and some bearings, make your choice and push ahead. For those of you who are uncomfortable with this, just like you I don't feel empathy. All I know is that only you can do it for yourself. I have my Mt. Everest to climb, time is shorter, and I will never reach the top. I won't stop trying though.
16 Oct 2011, 11:33 pm
