Feeling in denial

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Does anyone else get this? , If you are like me you would deny the fact that you have autism. I have always denied the fact i have had autism since i was young and still do deny the fact i have autism , it makes me ashamed.

I would rather be like most other people , i feel that having autism is not a blessing in disguise , but i see it as a handicap , if anything it makes my life harder. I never accept myself because of who i am and i know who i am , i just wondered , is there is anyone else out there that is 100% ashamed to have autism?.

I just wrote a blog post about this today (see link below.) I've pretty much spend about 5 months away from here, away from my blog, and mostly just being in complete denial that I have AS. I don't know about feeling ashamed, but I definitely feel like I don't fit in anywhere, not even amongst people with AS. I once was probably very outwardly obviously not normal, but over the course of the past 20 years I've come around. All I do is just look somewhat more normal, but it's come to me that I don't know how to ACT normal.

Hope you have a decent boat.

De Nile is pretty deep and full of crocodiles!

I'm not ashamed at all. Why should I be? I didn't ask for this. I didn't give it to myself or bring it upon myself. Nothing to be ashamed about.

I am sometimes ashamed to call myself Human, but that's only because of other Human's stupidity, not because of myself.

Autism is nothing to be ashamed of. But, there's nothing wrong with wishing you weren't different either. That's normal. Getting over that somehow though, is pretty important to accepting who you are, and dealing with it.

You've said it better than I could. That's it. No shame involved. I wouldn't go too far the other way and celebrate it the way it has become popular to. It's not an easy thing to live with and will cause you a certain amount of grief, quite probably all your life. You're making a good life for yourself by the sounds of it. Wishing it was different is completely normal, as is the odd moment of just being exhausted with it all. Call it denial but it's just being human.

I'm not ashamed of it, nor do I deny it.

1. I didn't do anything to get AS.

2. Being disabled is nothing to be ashamed of in the first place.

3. What good would shame do? Would it gain anything for me? No, not unless feeling bad all the time is a gain.

4. The same with denial. Why? So that I can burn myself out by trying to force myself to be normal? Been there done that, thankyouverymuch, and never again. I've learned to work with my brain rather than fighting it,

I've been thinking about getting a t-shirt that says, "I'm Autistic. Deal with it!"

Thanks for the feedback. I guess I'm having a hard time accepting this diagnosis, and specifically what it probably/realistically means for my future. I think the way I thought I saw my life happening isn't as likely as I thought it could be, and maybe not at all. It's not easy to let go of who you thought you were and would be, and accept who you really are - especially when you don't really know what that is now. I do know that it's burning me out trying to pretend to be normal.

I'm not ashamed of my AS. It's part of who I am, and I can't change it. I'm not in denial either. The only reason I haven't told people is because no-one has asked. (and also because I plan to do the "big reveal" next year at school when we have speeches, as I'm going to do mine on Asperger's, and that's set) I mean, sure, there are times where I just want to fit in, but I'm not going to deny AS. As the quote in my signature, by me, says: "So what if I'm different? Difference is what makes the world go round. If we were the same, the world would be boring!"

I recently resumed posting on WP after an absence of about a year.

The main reason for my absence was that I lost interest, for several reasons, including the belief that I don't fit in - and not just at WP but anywhere.

I am now beginning to see/get a sense of, what may be a paradox in this belief.

As an Autistic person, the FACT is that my perspective on the World and my thinking processes are inconsistent with 99% of our species.

In this regard, my perspectives and thinking processes 'do not fit in'

Whilst I was away from WP I tried to 'fit in' with NTz
- this was initiated as a result of my professional/business networking, rather than a desire to socialize and find friends

Here too, I learned (was reminded would be more accurate), that I 'do not fit in'

I believe the answer to this riddle may be the statement itself.

That fact that I exist at all means that I do 'fit in' within the bigger/grander picture of the World/Universe.

I believe the paradox (for me at least) may be that the best way to 'fit in' is to stop trying to fit in!

By being myself, my true Self and being comfortable with and accepting of, my true Self.

In the words of Richard Bach:

'Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.
-Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the mark of a false messiah'

Last edited by Blindspot149 on 18 Oct 2011, 7:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

I sometimes vaguely regret divulging my DX at work. I wouldn't take it back, because the alternative of having my livelihood dependent on my doing the impossible is far worse, but when the others are heavily engaged in collective working and I'm excluded/protected from that, I feel like the runt of the litter. Before my DX, some of my self-confidence came from my ability (real or imaginary) to con everybody into thinking I was some kind of high-powered team worker or something. Even socially, I'd make some remark that seemed to demonstrate good social intelligence, and feel really good about it, but now when I do that I just wonder if I was simply using tricks to appear as NT as possible.

So I suppose I do have a sense of shame about my condition. Nonetheless, I tend to just tell people when it seems relevent. Frankly, apart from the workplace situation, I don't think it's ever made any difference one way or the other. People seem to treat me just the same regardless. I wouldn't just blurt it out for the sake of it, I'd usually wait until the matter came up naturally - like being invited to a big, noisy party.

One thing that might make me see this issue a little differently is that I barely believe in Aspergers Syndrome as a black or white thing anyway.......the only objective truth is that I have quite a few of the traits, but whether or not I have them strongly enough to go over the (very arbitrary) threshold of official AS, seems too subjective to matter much. Sure, I've been officially diagnosed, but - well you get the picture, a spectrum diagnosis isn't like a diagnosis for a broken leg, you can't really be that sure. It's kind of hard to feel ashamed of something that might not even exist.

'Only people see, what they want to see!'

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1irTlHasgIs[/youtube]

I practically live in denial about my AS. The only places I express it properly is here on WP, to my Disability Employment Advisor, to a counsellor (when I get one), and to my mum at home (maybe my aunties aswell). I express all the co-morbid conditions around the AS to everyone else, like the anxieties. But not the actual AS.

I tell ya, as I've gotten older, it's getting bloody hard to keep in denial about this. I have a friend who I do a lot with, including looking for employment, and she wants to help eachother fill out applications and she seems to get interviews at the same place and on the same day as me, and I have a mentor who goes with me to interviews......''how the hell does she carry on living in denial with her Autism to her friend?'' you ask yourselves. That's easy - I just have to make up a lie on the spot. It isn't easy, but it must be a lucky NT trait I have.

I am not in denial about my Asperger's, I am just finding it difficult to accept my condition and also to accept who I am and that this is me, if that makes any kind of sense. Plus until I was told about WP today by my support worker, I didn't really know much about AS and so was therefore feeling anxious and confused more than anything. I thank WP as it is helping me realise thay some of the things I do, I am not on my own at that it is the nature of the condition.

I agree that spectrum diagnoses have an arbitrary element. Do a couple more points mean you are or aren't it? No. Same with depression, if you have enough of the symptoms badly enough there will be a diagnosis, end of. This can be helpful, to access treatment of one sort or another and to perhaps negotiate changes at work etc. Did the diagnosis help me personally? No, I already knew how I felt. But I would wave a large warning sign at anyone who thinks AS doesn't exist. That is not a matter of belief. It does. There's no denying that.

I don't tell people I have AS, does that count? I am embarrassed about having it, I am afraid of being judged by it and defined by other people by it, I am afraid of people might think I don't have it or think I am using it as an excuse, I am afraid I might get treated like I am ret*d, I am afraid I'd get crap for it too.

I used to be more open about it until I started reading about it and then I started to get private about it. I figured I don't need a label to explain myself and people don't need a label to know why I am the way I am.

It's never easy telling people I have it. My husband has to do it for me. He is the one who wants to tell them, not me. So far no crap yet nor any of the other bad stuff I had mentioned as fear. However, if someone asks me if I have it, I will say yes.

I was and still am. Been tested twice now.
It's because when I finally tell people I have AS, they have all told me, "Well you seem to communicate just fine, BLAHDIDDLYLAH". This where I go into specifics about how broad AS, and autism itself, can be.

If they still tell me I don't have it, I mention the being tested twice thing, and how I believe AS comes with a package, and everyone gets something a little different.
For example:
I can talk fine to people. I cannot be in crowded areas for long, and when I am I spend at least a full day recovering alone in my room. I have a sense of humor. Its very dry, very sarcastic, but its humor. I tend to focus on things quite easily and become engrossed in them within minutes. I don't understand many physical cues, and only a couple vocal cues. Annoys my sister to no end when I wont stop talking about this crazy thing that people used to do way back when that I learned from the show QI, which has Stephen Fry, who is friends with Hugh Laurie, and that the new season of House is really good so far. AM I TALKING TOO MUCH? "Yes."

I wouldn't say I'm ashamed of having AS, but I don't flaunt it. The idea of having a shirt that says 'I'm Autistic Deal With It' infuriates me. I can't exactly say why, it just does.