I feel I want to be into the mainstream but the AS stops me

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Joe90
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20 Oct 2011, 10:22 am

It's so hard to explain to someone because they only look at one side of it or the other.

Part of me wants one thing and part of me wants another. It's like I really want to be into all the Saturday-night TV shows and wear make-up and change my hairstyle and be into celebrities and enjoy myself in clothes shops, but at the same time, I can't seem to get myself to like these things because part of me is not interested in it all, although part of me wants to be. It's such a conplicated feeling what nobody seems to understand when I explain it to them. When I do, the conversation just goes round in circles, driving me mad.

It's just that when I walk into a clothes shop, a bored, depressed feeling comes over me and I just want to leave, whilst most other women are probably in their glory, and they stay focused on the clothes and pile clothes up to take into the changing-rooms to try on, and they really evaluate themselves in the mirror with their new clothes on and know what they like and know what suits them and what doesn't, and can just go on and on like that. It seems to be a female trait in most women. Not me, however. It absolutely bores me to tears, and when I am in a changing-room trying on clothes, my mind still isn't very focused because really I'm not that bothered about it......yet I wish I could be, but I can't.
Same goes with clubbing. I want to go clubbing with a crowd of people, but part of me doesn't. It's too daunting for me, I don't like youths, and I'm no good at mixing around with youngsters (not in that kind of environment anyway), but often part of me wishes that I didn't feel like that so that I could go and do these things. I want to be out and about with a crowd of friends, but then the AS feels like it's a barrier against me doing this, because my ideal way is so shy away from these situations and shut myself off from all those obnoxious youths.

Ohh, it's so complicated because the answer is always ''well make yourself be interested'', and it's easier said than done. It's a bit like somebody born with no legs really wanting to physically run a proper race but know they never will, even if they got special crutches of something, it still will never be the same as somebody having legs. Does anyone else feel like this? Do you feel that deep down somewhere you want to be into all the mainstream stuff, but you know that you probably weren't wired to be interested in the mainstream stuff?


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Radiofixr
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20 Oct 2011, 10:43 am

I do want the same things all of my NT peers have-especially in the area of relationships and yes I will say it experiences like love and intimate relations but time and time again I try to go out and meet people and no one looks at me with even an intention of trying to get to know me at all-they will never know me if they wont even talk to me and when I approach people they turn away-I may be on the autistic spectrum but even I can tell what it means when people turn away from you-I went to a party at a house and the person I went with who is also on the spectrum had people climbing over each other to talk to him and I had no one and when I tried they turned away from me and as we were leaving I barely got a thank you from the host and didn't even shake my hand but the person I went there with was told by the host that they had to hug every guest-so I just don't know what to say. I want the same things but it will never happen for me as I am getting too old to be wanted by anyone.


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ToughDiamond
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20 Oct 2011, 11:05 am

I guess I still have some vague wish to be able to run with the pack, and a need for approval, but I've eased the dilemma by (mostly) giving up on the mainstream. Basically I got nowhere when I tried to fit in, so I got angry and blamed society for the whole thing, and I've seen them as somehow inferior ever since. I also began to meet lots of unusual people - hippies, alternativists, anarchists, bohemians, and other assorted oddballs - and they were generally a lot more tolerant, probably because they know how it feels to feel sidelined by the herd, so I just grew up to see them as the good folks and the rest as judgemental bastards. Of course that's judgemental too, and probably very arrogant of me, but such ideas kept me going and gave me some kind of pride in myself as I was.

In short, I suppose I'm proud of my differences, or at least I try not to feel ashamed of myself for being who I am.



Surfman
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20 Oct 2011, 11:15 am

[quote="Joe90"]It's like I really want to be into all the Saturday-night TV shows and wear make-up and change my hairstyle and be into celebrities and enjoy myself in clothes shops, but at the same time, I can't seem to get myself to like these things because part of me is not interested in it all./quote]

I think I know what the trouble is.

programming....

Turn off the telly and get some good counter culture friends. They will help you to deprogram all the years of mindless inanity that went in your ears and eyes.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LizetmrcFLI[/youtube]



Sansomrocks1027
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20 Oct 2011, 1:03 pm

Yes, I feel the same exact way about certain things, like music. I generally only listen to things that I like, or have a good beat, and others may not like it. Yes, it makes me down in the dumps sometimes, but I get over it. I consider myself pretty NT, i'm usually good with people, I can hold a conversation, I have good eye contact, And i'm good with groups of people etc. To anyone else i'm just another NT person. But really all I want is to be accepted my society, and to be accepted of my differences. Sometimes I just have to put myself in those situations so I can adapt to them. I just wish that everyone was accepting of one another, Sure I wish I could do certain things, but it's that fear that keeps a person back from doing what they truly aspire to do. Just try your best, and maybe you'll have great successes. I know I try everyday, and sometimes it's worth trying to meet new people, or doing other mainstream things, and other days I just say "F it, i'm going home and going back to bed!." I know you're pain and frutrations. From one AS to another. :cry:



OrangeCloud
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20 Oct 2011, 1:16 pm

I think that a big problem here is that the world dosen't really cater for us. Nothing out there is marketed at Aspies. But then what do we do, just sit there and do nothing:? This is why I think it's important for Autistic people to create there own culture, then there will be things in the world that actually aren't boring and crap.



Mdyar
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20 Oct 2011, 2:07 pm

News Flash:

If one didn't have AS ,etc. the introversion alone precludes " mainstream-ness"-- presupposing introversion, of course.

For a broader perspective go see the introvert forums.

I'm an introvert and mainstream-ness is out of the question, there is no choice in the matter.

People like to say "if you were that way or if you tried this, then you'd be in the mainstream" is true, and it is vacuously true.

No doubt it is true, but with the condition being false, it is meaninglessly vacuously true, and is thus entirely as true as the statement "if I had a better past then there would be no world hunger", or "if I had a better past, the sky would be a shade of rose".

Get used to it.



Joe90
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21 Oct 2011, 12:52 pm

Well it's all about obligations. Everywhere you go there are people, and if people overhear that you like something that doesn't quite fit into the mainstream, they have to make a point of it by staring at you and thinking something of you then remembering your face (if they are local people). I don't want that to happen.

For example, I like a lot of ''normal'' songs, but some songs I like are ''sad'' according to the mainstream world. I sometimes like to listen to hymns, nursery songs, and traditional songs, but when I'm on the bus I have to be so careful to adjust the volume depending on what song I'm listening to on my iPod, because of some sort of fear I have of the person sitting behind or in front hears it and somehow ''takes the piss''. I'm fed up with going through life like this. It's like other people's thoughts control you all the time, but to avoid being known as ''the village idiot'', you just have to let them control you.

I think I've found out the answer why part of me wants to do these mainstream things and part of me doesn't. The answer is obvious. It's because AS + Self Awareness = Disaster.
When you have AS but unaware of yourself and don't get hypersensitive to other people's reactions and judgements, then you will do fine. If you have AS but you have (and always have had) as much self-awareness in you as the average person, then life is more of a struggle than those without too much self-awareness, because you don't like being caught out or sticking out like a sore thumb or being noticed negatively, so sometimes you find you have to give yourself up all the time to impress other people. Yes, it's very very sad if you think about it - constantly spending your whole life trying to impress other people all the time to avoid a judgemental comment being thrown at you, then life blazes by and you finally realise that you're an old folk sitting in a chair wondering what the hell you did all that for (which is why old people have the most sense out of all age groups). But, NTs seem to live by that rule, it's built in them, and so I can't help it if I've got that trait in me too (at least I've figured out how stupid compitition can get).


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Ellytoad
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21 Oct 2011, 2:04 pm

I know what you mean. Sometimes, I even go so far as to wish I were uncreative, feminine like how my mom wants me to be, and just.... yeah, mainstream, like you said. Anything to make my existence as dull and uncomplicated as possible, provided I retain my desire to not get married or have kids. Being creative sometimes gets to the point where I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown from all the thoughts and emotions swirling around, combined with the depression that so accompanies creativity.

Then I take an extra dose of my medicine, and feel better again....