Tamsin wrote:
Like if somebody says that they like your shirt, do you believe them and thank them or do you wonder if they are lying or have some kind of ulterior motive?
I tend to thank them but I still think they're likely to be lying. Even if it's another Aspie complimenting me, they might just be trying to fit in with normal society. I don't see what choice I have but to take compliments with a pinch of salt. It's well known that most people give out false or exagerrated comnpliments and that they expect others to do the same for them. To some extent I can see that it's kind of them to want to boost my confidence like that, and I don't really want people to give me more criticism than I can emotionally handle, but the same techniques are used by people who are just laying on the flattery with a trowel to manipulate me......I tend to feel contempt for anybody who seems to be projecting a false persona....even a false smile, I'd just rather they frowned if that's how they really feel.
It's difficult for me to give compliments too. When I have, it's nearly always been sincere, but it's rarely possible to make it seem credible.......so even if I like a lady's dress, I might be very reluctant to say so, because to me it just sounds like such an obvious pick-up line, and I half expect that it will just make the recipient suspicious of me, as I would if somebody complimented my shirt. But if somebody's appearance really pleases me a lot, it's hard for me not to say so.......and if it's really as true as that, I'll probably also be able to more or less prove my sincerity by pointing out the details I really like and explaining briefly how those things dovetail with my visual taste.
Cranking out unconditional approval isn't particularly recommended in mainstream psychology, so maybe I'm not so far away from the NT perspective. They don't swallow every glib compliment they get. I think it's just that we tend to overlook the emotional impact of what we say....we tend to feel a duty to give people the whole truth because "you can't have too much accurate information about yourself," whereas the wise NT will release information according to what he thinks I can cope with emotionally, because he knows that too much bluntness can make the recipient reject the whole shebang, and then they've been pushed even further away from the truth than they were before the truth had been told to them..
But trust goes a lot wider than believing compliments and anticipating hidden criticism. I find it very difficult to put any matter I care about into the hands of another person. I have no control over them, so I lose control over the result. If they screw up, I have a huge problem telling them I'm not happy with what they've done, and even if I get that bit right, the damage is done. So I try to do everything important by myself. Luckily there are lots of things to do that aren't really that important, and I can "trust" other people to help with those. I'm beginning to mellow. I understand that not eveybody out there is a complete fool, that I make mistakes too, that they have potentially a lot of useful new thinking to contribute, that a lot of my perfectionism is inappropriate, that they can't be expected to complete a task to my liking if I haven't told them what I want, that it's OK to criticise their work as long as I don't go overboard......apparently groups do better than individuals because they criticise and correct each other.
23 Oct 2011, 2:53 am
