40+ Something Love & Dating - Who to Date (1 of 10)

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Falling in love for no good reason other than to love and be loved is a great reason.! !! !
Hoping, wishing and actively persuing it when you are not ready for it....... ummmm not so much

kinda like trying to walk on a broken leg that hasn't had time to heal properly,

Moog, what is up with you? Even though you are 32, it seems to me you fit in the fortysomething age bracket.

Dating isn't really on my radar right now, but I might look in now and then.

By the way, have you lived among us Yankees? I noticed you used the word yards. Please advise!

I read on the Internet today that on 11/7/11 they are starting to film the new James Bond film with hottie Daniel Craig! I love James Bond films - Connery is the best Bond ever. Who is your favorite Bond?

*crack.crash.crack.CRACK.crack.crack.craaaack.smash.*.... (x100s!! !! ! or anyways lots and lots)

hear that? it was the sound of hearts breaking and hopes being dashed all over the world. oh the heartbreak! Moog, the dating scene misses you. join the dark side!! !

Woof, this is a lot to respond to! Thank you, HopefulRomantic, for your thoughtful response.

MV - you are most welcome!

Okay: 1) it seems like I never fully heal from bad things happening to me. I've been divorced for almost five years and though the immediacy of it is gone, the rest of the feelings are still there. I tried online dating at first, a while back, and that resulted in tons and tons of dates. First dates. I went on second and subsequent dates with some of the guys, but in the end it just did nothing but agitate me since it was so much socialization and no prospects shook out of the process. I did try to delve into more-involved relationships with people who weren't quite right for me, but it just ended in disaster. That was over two years ago, and I'm still reeling from that, too.

Like you, it takes me a long time to heal from emotional trauma. My ex husband was a narcissist of sorts as well - after he found out he had narcolepsy he had a nervous breakdown, became maudlinly depressed (would not take meds for either condition or continue with psychiatric care/counseling), quit on life and proceeded to make himself and everyone around him miserable. Suffice it to say, I became his dumping ground for his toxic waste in the form of 5 years of incessant verbal/emotional abuse (near the end it became physical)

We spilt up in 7/07, divorced 1/10, sold the house in 8/11 and thank goodness he is out of my life for good! We did not have children together. After we split, I did not date at all for about 2 years because I needed to heal and I was not about to subject anyone to my pain.

Forgiving an abusive narcissist is a daunting task in itself - but for me I found it even harder to forgive myself because I should have left earlier.

Conventional therapy has never worked for me, I think because I'm an undiagnosed Aspie. They don't understand me and I certainly don't understand them.

I'm not always a shrinking flower: I chat up people in the grocery store, in line for coffee, even at bars. It's just practice for me (and I enjoy it, mostly), I just wish it could go somewhere.

Sounds to me like you are an ambivert. And you really made me think on this one because I always considered myself an extrovert. Now, I think I am an ambivert because I prefer to socialize in small, intimate settings and I like intellectual, thought- provoking conversation instead of mostly silly small talk and NT one-upmanship! (LOL! I am an NT). If I want to I can be the social butterfly but I don't choose to go this route and I have not for years! MV, you make me think! After I finish up my answers in this post, I am going to write another one about the introvert/extrovert/ambivert issue because I think it is highly relevant and utterly fascinating!



2) What am I looking for? Good question. I don't think I want to be married again. It would take an absolutely extraordinary person who could tolerate being married to me if I were to be fully true to myself. I might do it if I really loved the person and we were extraordinarily otherwise-compatible and it was important to him, but I'd have to be on board with why it was so important to him. The father of my kids is still in the picture, a lot, and many men are threatened by that even though I wouldn't let him ever, ever, ever touch me again, even if it meant curing cancer. I guess I would like a sometimes-companion, but one who understood why I go into weird, fugue, shutdown modes from time to time and someone who understood that I need a lot of alone time. I'm really bad at correctly-anticipating other people's needs or emotions or reactions (my theory of mind is for sh**).

Question - what are my relationship goals?

Best case scenario, I am looking for a shot at a long-term, exclusive, monogamous, romantic relationship which would hopefully last the rest of my life! I fully realize I might not find it and I am cool with that! Even though, my marriage was horrendous as I detailed above, I would do it again if I found the right guy. In general, my attitude about dating is this: it's all about quality, not quantity. Short-term dating (I got this from OKCupid) is not for me! For me, what is the point of dating someone if you put a limit on what the relationship can [b]become - before it even starts. I think short term dating means casual dating with sex with the expiration date you mentioned. I could never do short term dating for two reasons: (1) I can't separate the emotional aspects of making love from the physical (never could and I don't want to ever be able to for that matter) and (2) I have a phobia of STDs and promiscuity in general - to me it's mind-boggling that some folks are promiscuous knowing full well the risks! It's like playing Russian Roulette and I am way to risk averse to do that!

At this point I want to share with you my definition of what constitutes a healthy romantic relationship:

A relationship is a mutually beneficial partnership in which neither party get everything they want; but each party gets some of what they want. Compromise and communication is key!

[/b]

I tend to look for men who are cerebral (intellectual?) and good-natured with humility but not "pushoverness". I'm attracted to a quiet confidence. I'm kind of picky on the physical side, too, since I have to be able to picture myself sleeping with him at some point (but not so picky as to demand: "must look like x"). I like men with a good sense of humor, but not ones who need to entertain me (I'm funnier than most people, I think, and that can certainly be threatening to men, too). I could go as high as five years older than me (I'm 44) or maybe higher if he were really healthy and really well-preserved (once they get into that looks-like-he-could-be-my-father mode, I can't do it). I could go as low as five years younger than me. More, if he were very mature (and could stomach sleeping with an old lady! ).

Question: What physical and cerebral qualities do I seek in a viable romantic match?

I seek a sensitive genius with whom I am physically attracted. For me a sensitive genius has the following cerebral qualities:
(1) highly intelligent - bordering on brilliant. (My entire life I have preferred technical, scientific men. I value and admire men who are highly intelligent and skilled in way I am not! I find them fascinating! I would take a sensitive Tesla over an Alpha Male without exception
every time! And that is my track record!)

(2) passionate about life while still being compassionate about people (sensitivity, empathy, caring about people and ethical)
By passionate about life I mean someone who has a zest for life and enjoys playing hard as well as working hard. The last time I heard life is not a dress rehearsal - you get one shot - so one had better enjoy it. I fully realize that Mr. Sensitive Genius is not going to have interests and hobbies that are exactly the same as mine. I would gladly participate in some of his as long as he was willing to do the same occasionally with me. And, of course, we need time off from each other so - you get the idea! He gets to do his stuff alone and recharge and the same for me!

(3) tenacity - self-explanatory - someone who does not fold like a deck of cards under pressure but hangs in there - endurance and staying power!

(4) loyalty and trustworthiness as evidenced by a track record of such behavior and decorum. As mentioned, I want a partner who has my back and mine his without exception

(5) self-awareness - someone who has as realistic view of himself and the world. Maybe it's all about being emotionally mature. In these precarious economic times - you have to be cognizant of certain, unavoidable realities of how the world is!

For me, the mental ignites the physical!

I have no problem dating a single dad, though (I admitted this on another forum here) I am suspicious of dads who don't have a lot of custody of their kids. I know, situations differ, age of kids and all that makes certain custody arrangements untenable, but my first thought is always, "Why doesn't she trust him with the kids?" It's a ridiculous bias, I know, especially because a more freed-up dad would have more time to date me. I'm like my own worst enemy!

Question: Would you date a single dad with children?
Although I am childless myself, I would date a single Dad as long as his children were reasonably well-behaved! Hopefully, he would have a civil relationship with the ex for the sake of the children!

Other than cooking, my hobbies and interests are singular and/or girly. I'm into the fabric arts (you name it, I've dabbled), other crafts, and lots of solitary reading. I do like science fiction, but not in a social way (I can't see going to a con, for example, but I would try it). I have a bucket list that gets longer every year because right now I don't have time to pursue everything I'm interested in. For example, if I had time and money and resources, I would audit classes at MIT pretty much nonstop. Even now, my custody arrangement is too weird for me to be able to commit to something that meets the same time each week, and most educational things around here are hella expensive, too.

Question: What are my hobbies?

I like hanging with friends and family in small, intimate settings (eating a meal together, watching movies, sports activity, playing board games, hiking, whatever). I like to read. I like going to some live performances/cultural things (Greek Festival, museum, live theater or concerts). I like to go on adventures (tour places that are historically, architecturally, technologically, or culturally significant). And I like some alone time with Mr. Sensitive Genius for romance and all that implies (OHHHHHHHHHH LLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAA)! !!


I have no qualms about dating Aspies except that I've met men who are "too Aspie" for me. Ones with extreme social difficulty, and when you add in my social deficits, it's a mess. Plus (and I really HATE to say this): some men are threatened by sexual experience that does not match their own. There are certainly men who are way, way, way too extroverted for me, as well.

Question: Would you date an Aspie? an NT? Do I prefer one?

I could care less if Mr Sensitive Genius is an NT or Aspie - finding someone that rare is what matters!


3) I cannot relocate, because kids' custody is 50/50 and my job is also here. The only immediate dealbreakers I can think of are smoking (anytime) and drugs (in front of me and my kids). Of course I have a list of other dealbreakers, but they are dependent on scope and level it would affect me. Things like misogyny, extreme, intolerant religious faith, etc. These are more things that are likely to spell incompatibility with me in the long run.

Question: Can and would you relocate?

Absolutely! I can (I have job skills that are easily transferable) and I would if I thought he was the right guy for me! How many times in this life do you find a sensitive genius (which is as rare as the Hope Diamond)??

Just a question: what is short-term dating? I don't think I could ever bring myself to engage in an intimate relationship if I knew it was destined to have an expiration date. I guess I'm very all-or-nothing about things (another shot into my own foot!).

I met him on Okcupid.

OkCupid is the site I have had the most luck on as well!

So should I get myself a profile ?

Absolutely! Quite frankly, your living in a cosmopolitan place like London is a definite plus! My advice is this: (1) spend the required time to craft a profile write up that provides a candid portrayal of who you are and what you seek in a viable romantic match (2) determine your appetite for answering questions publically and then answer as many as you deem appropriate (with as much candor as you can muster up) and then go for it full throttle (3) choose strategic photos (especially of your face) and (4) have fun!

Are you going for it? Wow- this is getting exciting!

I dont meet the requirements for this thread but I wanted to point out that quite a few members have had more success when they posted a link to their profiles here and asked for any kind of feedback.

I understand some members may be wary of doing that but if you dont have an issue with other members knowing your username it had helped a lot to several members on here

I could joke and say that my "yards" comment is a subtle attempt to be culturally-sensitive, but I worked in San Diego after I finished my PhD for two years .

Oh, and big Tam (Sean Connery) is absholutely the besht Bond ever! Despite living in London, I'm a Scot.

What do you do in NC?

In another thread I posted on knowing who you are before losing yourself in someone else.

I am 63 - college was full of '"practice " relationships which I was not very good at.
then I got involved and married to a woman who was as unavailable as my mother
this should make every shrink in the world very happy. It made some of them able to afford summer houses at the beach.
It took forever to admit my mistake - having kids makes it really hard to find a right thing to do..

Second relationship started at 45 and is much better because I did not chase an unavailable woman and I was no longer quite so needy.
I also was not drinking or drugging. I no longer needed to rescue or be rescued.