Pretending.

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Faking it or fitting in.

I did this yesterday , i went into work feeling like s**t and i put a mask on and faked it all the way. I managed just about , but it was hard work and i felt strange because underneath i felt awful and i had to bottle it up and fit in. I wasn't really there yesterday and that was not me and i knew exactly how i felt in that situation , bloody weird. I just hate having to act to fit into the world or feel as if i am stepping onto a stage all the time where everything is fake and illusionary. Im very weird like this , but are things actually real or isd everything fake , but seems real because we have made it real.

I get times when i can't make any sense of this world and i feel as if i am learning russian or something. Maybe i am over complicating things with my mind , but things seem odd when i go out and i feel like i am acting out my life. I feel like i am being that other character that i have created for myself to step[ into when i feel like s**t to get by. That is what i call it getting by , sometimes i just need to be man enough to struggle on , but even then i feel that it is not me that is connecting with that situation it is someone else.

Strange , i have talks about this with my doc and tell him that i am fed up of constantly putting on a show and that i find it very tiring being someone else to live in this harsh planet. Sometimes i feel like i am in the world , but on days when i can't be f****d and feel dead inside , i.e yesterday i feel that i am on another planet where i am speaking a different language and i am made to be on this planet because no one gives a f**k.

I get exhausted putting on an act for everything I do and I stopped doing it and I don't get as exhausted from putting on the act but get exhausted from shutdowns and meltdowns.

I used to put on an act, no matter who I was with. I haven't done that for a few years now. I feel that it's better for me to just be myself.

I still tend to put on an act in some situations, I really do not enjoy it though because it just makes me feel more detatched and isolated.

I tried putting on an act, and being 'myself' today. Neither worked. Usually I can get by with the regular going out days and in some social things with the acts, but lately, I just don't feel like I've had the energy to do it, and when I do try, I fail miserably.

I fake a lot of things, it's very interesting at times because I feel like I'm watching a different me do stuff. I literally feel split in two. I'll be smiling and laughing at a joke I don't find funny to make someone else happy and then my inner self will say "Why are you laughing it wasn't funny?" Then I'll laugh a little harder not at the joke but people will think it was. I'll laugh harder because the self faking it is in so much pain having to hear and watch herself pretend to be a different person just to survive in this world.

I never pretend these days as I am jobless... People seem to be threatened by people who do not 'dress up' or 'fake' or put on some kind of 'mask'... Ironically I observe that, these people who are most threatened, project the image of people who aren't faking socially as having some kind of multiple personalities or whatever BS rumor they hate about themself... Projecting their shadow self on a social misfit.... I should just laugh at this....
Can you win at the 'game' by 'quitting' it ??

My problem is that I'm just trying to survive. I honestly don't know where dignity can be found in current society. Today at work I was talking to a UPS driver. I think in the past I've even scolded him. Instead of getting upset at him today though I asked him "I'm curious do you agree with any of your companies policies?" He responded "No none of them in fact. To be honest customers aren't the only ones who get screwed over by them. We do too everyday and then we have to listen to the customers complain on top of it. I hate my day from the second I punch in to the second I punch out, but I need money to survive." After he said that I thought wow I guess I'm not the only one. As a young person I used to believe that people loved having jobs and that it made them important because they were contributing something to the world. I was raised to be a hard worker and to take pleasure in making the world a better place by working hard, to help keep everything that contributes to all of our well being going. Now that I'm an adult and I've worked two jobs I've come to the conclusion that nothing I do matters. I don't believe in the government, I don't believe in other people, and I've given up on trying to do my best. Instead I do what I have to no matter how much it hurts inside because even if I do what I think is right the ultimate result will be nothing. I haven't completely given up though I do on occasion speak up for myself and try to change things for the better. I just don't do it as much as I'd like to because keeping a job is still important to me.

I haven't had a job yet but I've volunteered at various places that are environmentally/ethically/structurally, a lot better than my current college..

I've pretty much given up on trying to fend or advocate for myself at this university because the faculty ethical corruption in this particular college is so widespread that they would rather remain silent and join in on the slander and childishness than do anything about it. Never mind the degrading mental health of students like me who are clearly mentaly vulnerable, they would rather stone people like me to death than even suggest mental help. What makes me really sad is there is a young man one night as I was smoking ran down the stairs talking to himself and ran all the way down the street like that he was clearly an untreated schizophrenic..
They don't do anything... Most teachers clearly don't really 'care' about their students. They just want to have sex with them. lol. I thought this was exclusive to 1 prof, but now I've noticed, it's extremely wide spread. I can't wait to join the work farce!! !! !! !!

OMG What Country is that College in? In Canada mental health specialists love to get their hands on people like me. My existence keeps them rich and employed. Of course if you decline medication or expensive CBT therapy they ignore you. All I have to do is support drug companies and I become validated for help. Maybe some people benefit but not me.

US&A the greatest country on earth!! !!

I've gotten so used to pretending that everything is always alright with me. I'm always smiling and laughing and pretending that I'm not in pain or depressed or anything, that it's actually become an ingrained habit. I call it my "public persona". I've been working with my therapist for 4 years off and on trying to not do it anymore, but I just can't. I still have a hard time toning my "public persona" in her office.

I would love to hear if anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with this problem.

Figures, I was slightly suspecting that answer.

When you act how you feel it can sometimes get you in major trouble especially in NT land. If you talk openly about your depression sometimes it can make people think that your being cynical. Combined with Aspie mannerisms you come off as a depressing prick and it can worsen your relationships with co-workers, and from my experience family members. This can worsen depression and even lead to isolation or lost employment. As long as you have someone you can talk to about your depression, a friend you can spend time with being yourself than sometimes keeping that public persona isn't such a bad idea. Of course if it's something that really bothers you deep down than yes maybe you should try to diminish it. If your having trouble with your therapist than you might want to look for someone better who you can really trust to come out to. Part of it is worrying about how they judge you, you should find someone who doesn't come off that way from the get go, but it's really really really hard. I still can't talk to a therapist completely truthfully either and part of that is because I know I'm insecure, but I also know that there is a level of misunderstanding because they tend to be NTs.

I find it easier to talk to my therapist than my parents , most of the time my parents don't know what is up and i keep it secret. As for friends , sadly i have no friends to confide in , shame.

Now i have been told by the doctor that it is better to be me and also that the fact that i feel that i have to be perfect is wrong. That is what the world wants , it wants us to be super human and feel nothing , human feeling is a weakness that we must get rid of , our emotions are useless to us in this worls. We are all expected to be perfect in every way and when we are not we are mocked for it , if you are not perfect in this world you are not giving the world what it wants.

Last edited by Nick88 on 09 Nov 2011, 3:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I put on an act nearly every day, especially at work because I hate it when people ask "oh, you are looking bad, everything ok?". I can even switch on a smile onto my face if necessary.

It's not fun acting every day this way because it costs me a lot of energy and I always have the feeling of telling a lie.