Dating Troubles, Input Requested

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I've been single nearly 6 years and I'm really tired of it. I'm pretty satisfied with how my life is going overall, but I'm lonely as hell. I met a guy recently and we spent a long time talking (drunk, so I wasn't overly shy or awkward). He showed interest in me but didn't make any moves. I saw him again a few weeks later in a pub and he told me he didn't want to take advantage of me when I was drunk. Again we talked a lot that night and he spent most of the night with his arm around me, but he didn't make any moves beyond that.

That was a week and a half ago. I got a message from him Friday that he would be free all weekend and wanted to see me. I wrote back that I was also free all weekend, and if he wanted to do something, just call or text me and it would be nice to meet up. Saturday morning I got another message that he was just getting home from a party and would sleep all day, but wanted to see me in the evening. Again I wrote back that he just needed to call/text me and I'd like to see him too. Finally at 8:30 pm he sent another message via internet that he had just woken up, needed to go get his phone from the pub where he was the night before, and I could either meet him there in an hour, or if I wasn't there he'd call me as soon as he had his phone. That's the last I heard from him.

I got that last message an hour after he sent it, so I figured he'd be calling me soon. After a few hours I finally realized that he wasn't going to call and I spent the rest of the night feeling sh***y. I wanted to go to the pub to find him, but my friends universally said that I should not go after him, that guys like to chase girls and if I seem to be chasing him, he won't be attracted to me anymore.

I don't understand these stupid games and I hate the girl's role in them. I'm just supposed to sit here and wait to be chased? What if the guy doesn't chase? Is there nothing I can do without appearing desperate or needy? And why the hell didn't he call me? Did he forget? Not care? Was his phone battery dead? If so, why have I still not heard anything from him, even via computer?

I'm looking for other opinions. Would it have been a good idea to just go to the pub and meet him (assuming he was still there)? Should I have responded to his last message? Should I contact him now or do I still have to wait? Should I let him know he upset me by not calling, or should I pretend I don't care (I HATE doing this and I'm super bad at it, I'm an open and honest person). One of the most important things to me in a potential relationship is trust and reliability. One of my friends told me I should just forget about him and move on, but I really like him and it's been years and years since I've liked someone who's liked me back. Another friend says my standards are too high and if I don't want to be alone, I need to accept whatever I can get. On top of all this, I'm scared that once he gets to know me better he won't like me anymore.

With regards to chasing, the vast majority of men do not like doing it, they do it because they have to. Men love being chased, it flatters our ego and makes us feel awesome. In this case however, I think he just needs to see that the door is open.

Send him the following: "Hi <xxx>, I had a great time in the pub on [whenever it was], I've been thinking about you lately. How would you feel about taking me on a date?"

That's it.

If he's interested, he'll organise everything. If not, at least you know where you stand. (Know that sending that message won't change his feelings, either he likes you or he doesn't).

Some more advice: forget about the call, he might mention it, he might not. Also if he does take you out, don't leap into bed with him any time soon. If you do he'll lose respect for you and might not consider you long term relationship material.

Thanks for the advice. I guess I shouldn't only be asking women for input here. Both my male and female friends all say that men enjoy the chase, and that if I contact him more often than he contacts me, he'll be really turned off by it. But I don't want to just be an object to be chased after...

I've contacted him already many more times than he's contacted me. Nothing crazy, just an occasional text message asking if he's free and wants to do something. He almost never replies. When he does he always says he really wants to see me, and when I see him in person he gives off very clear signals (clear even to me) that he's interested. I figured that my messages to him made it clear that I'm interested too - why would I be contacting him so often otherwise? I also know that in the past, he had a bit of a reputation for being a sort of player (think Barney from How I Met Your Mother), but it was years ago and now he seems to be trying to make up for it by being extra-careful not to take advantage of girls and taking things very slowly. I certainly don't intend to leap into bed with him, given his past and the fact that I've made that mistake before. When we talked he told me that he's looking for "the right girl" and I'm perfectly happy to take things slow and hope that maybe it could be me (and of course that he really is the nice guy he seems to be and we're right for each other).

I don't want to be overly direct with him - I like being friends with him and I don't want to make things awkward if he's not interested after all. What about a message like "the weekend's nearly over - are we going to meet up? "

Nah, the only ones who do are the ones who get positive results most of the time (what 5% of the male population?). It should set alarm bells off if you do meet a man who says he loves the chase, he may well cheat.



That's only a problem if he doesn't like you that way. If he does, then there's no harm at all, it's endearing.



Hmm :S. Well unfortunately there's no way to tell at this point whether he's showing genuine apathy or whether it's an attempt to make you more interested (seems to be working no? )



If you aren't put off by his past, then my advice is unchanged. Don't use "meet up" it's a bit vague and friend-y, using "date" makes your intentions clear.

Perhaps I should also mention that English is not his first language. He speaks really well but I always have to take into consideration that some of the linguistic subtleties might be lost.

I'm talking to a female NT friend of mine now and she says I should give him a week and see if he contacts me, and if not, I should send him a direct message saying I like him, I'm interested, is he or not?

maybe he thought that if you were interested you'd be at the pub too, and wasn't expecting to have to call you- he could have been disappointed too.
i hate all these games we're supposed to play too and don't really understand them. Waiting to see if he gets in touch and if not then contacting him sounds like a good idea though. maybe setting a firm/clear date with him rather than saying 'that would be good let me know' would be better. arange a time and place to definitely meet and tell him you'll see him there

Maybe he got drunk, which as you mention, he likes to do.

I recommend you wait until a time you think he might be sober before you make any move.

Okay, I decided to send him a message today. It was in a mixture of English and Czech (guys here seem to find it cute when foreign girls try to speak their language) and basically said I missed seeing him on the weekend, it was a shame, and I'd really like to get to know him better, so when can we meet for a drink and chat. Now I guess the ball is in his court and I have to just be patient and wait.

If he doesn't call by the weekend, should I go to the club where he's playing and surprise him, or should I stay away?

I know I'm overthinking this, but I'm wondering more and more if he really doesn't know I'm interested. I have no idea if I've given off the proper signals or not. I don't want to be so direct as to say "take me on a date," but my NT friend said the message I sent gets the message across clearly, but with some wiggle room in case he's just not interested (although she agreed that he must be from the way he acts around me). The romantic side of me is now imagining that he went to the pub, hoped I'd come, maybe his phone was dead so he couldn't call me, waited all night, and was just as sad as I was that we didn't see each other. The terrified-of-getting-hurt-again side of me is certain that he just doesn't care that much, only flirts with me out of habit from his old days, and was perfectly satisfied not to see me. I suppose the truth is probably somewhere in between. But I have to be careful not to get too caught up in this guy while I still hardly know him. I have a bad history of doing that, getting attached, and either getting hurt directly or finding out they are completely different than I expected and I"m not interested after all.

Ugh... The guy never called or texted and I was totally ready to just give up when I got an event invitation from him on Facebook (despite my repeated requests to him not to contact me by computer, since I still don't have internet at home and only get online once per day at work if I'm lucky). It was an invite to a party he's DJing on Saturday night along with the message "Can we see each other?"

I'm a little peeved that first of all, he won't contact me by phone, and second of all, he won't agree to meet me somewhere away from a club or pub. I was planning to go to this club anyway because I like the music he plays and some of my friends said they'd go with me, but now I'm a bit lost again. Should I go and talk to him and give him a chance to explain? Totally ignore him while I'm there? Directly ask him what the deal is? Not go at all? Should I respond to his message even though I told him I have no internet and he needs to contact me by phone? I'm thinking no to the last one, but I'm stumped on the others.

I'm sure I made it clear with my last message that I'm interested, and I know he could contact me by phone if he really wanted to. I'm almost ready to give up on this guy. But the idea of resigning myself to continued loneliness is really unpleasant. I think I'd have been better off if he had just never shown any interest in me to begin with!

Frankly, this guy sounds like a lost cause, at least until he grows up a little. From everything you've said, he has no intention of making you a priority. He's barely respectful of your time! I would give him up and move on. I know what it's like to be long-term single (I am) but I'm also done with idiots like this. If they can't maintain basic courtesy, they're not worth your time.

mv (age 44)

He wants a lot of people at his DJ event, so he invited everyone he knows on Facebook. He is not asking you on a date.

That's my interpretation.

To clarify, he posted a special link on my wall along with the note. He also sent out general invitations, but mine was different. However, I don't feel that he put a particularly large amount of effort into trying to reach me. I'll go tomorrow for the music, but I'll go with one or two female friends and probably not pay him any real attention. I'm not interested in games and I'm definitely not interested in chasing him.