Is my heart about to be broken? Some advice please.

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Thalia
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12 Nov 2011, 7:22 am

Hello everyone,
I posted a topic about my relationship a couple of months ago. I am going to rewrite the situation so hopefully it will make a little more sense than last time. :wink: Sorry if this makes it a bit long.



The background:

I was homeschooled until halfway through year 10, when I started at my current school, so I have no prior experience with relationships. Right from the beginning there was one boy who stood out to me. He was the first guy there whose name I could actually remember, even though we only had three classes together and hardly ever talked to each other. A lot of the kids in our year left at the end of the year, and for the last two years we have been in the same classes in nearly every subject. Most of his friends left with the others, and we have since spent a lot of time talking and become quite good friends. I always liked him as more than a friend, but I hid my feelings. I didn’t know if he felt the same way, and I wasn’t brave enough to ask in case I lost him completely.

Around the middle of the year I was trying to decide what to do next year once I have finished school. It all came together that I would go and work overseas as a volunteer for 12 months, staying with my uncle and his family. I was really excited as it is something I have wanted to do since I went overseas on a holiday three years ago.
That is where things stood until the middle of September. In the last week before the hols, we had a dinner at school to practise for graduation. That was the Tuesday night. On Thursday morning he walked to the bus stop to meet me (he had never done this before) and asked for my email. Later that day one of the teachers (not one I know well) told me that he had been looking at me ‘intensely’ during the dinner, and that she thought he might like me. I was put off balance by all this, and forgot to give him my email.... He asked again on the Friday, and I did remember that time. He also asked some rather cryptic questions during art, and kept changing the wording – ‘Do you like anyone?’ ‘Do you like anyone who isn’t part of your family?’ and just before I left ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ that sort of thing. He didn’t actually say anything though.

We talked a lot over the next few days via email. He said he had started liking me as more than a friend several months before, and then apologised in case he was freaking me out. I explained that I have liked him since I first met him, so I wasn’t upset at all. We started going out to parks together and talking about our childhoods, school, all sorts of stuff. I thought I should tell him about my Aspergers, so he would be better able to understand if I said something that hurt him. I could never hurt him intentionally. Anyway, he replied that he had actually been diagnosed with Aspergers several years before. We decided not to go telling everyone about our relationship as our school can be a bit funny about that and several other couples have been pressured to break up.



The problem:

I am moving overseas in about six weeks, and I can’t just leave that at this point. I really, really don’t want to lose him either. I decided years ago that I wasn’t going to just date for the sake of it. I have turned down quite a few other guys because of this. If I am going to date someone, I want it to be someone I will happily spend my life with. I truly love him.

I don’t know how he sees this relationship though. We did a joint math assignment about travel, and some of the things he said/did made me wonder a little. He was planning it as a real trip, with both of us. Then he would go and ‘book’ one hotel room with a double bed. He had to use our names to get a quote for a train, and used his last name on both. Funny little things that no one else saw, though he kept looking to see if I had noticed. But then we have these conversations about me moving overseas. It often runs along the lines of ‘What are we going to do about you leaving? We can’t keep going out when you are overseas for a year.’ They mostly come up late at night so it is hard for me to write a clear response, or to decide how he meant me to interpret it. After it is mentioned, we can never think of much to say and the conversation just ends for the night. He still talks about wanting to be with me all the time and he gets really upset if he says/does anything he thinks might have upset me. Last night he was telling me what sort of corsage he was getting me for the formal (he had asked about preferences earlier). And then he starts talking like it will all end so soon.

I guess one of the reasons I am bringing it up now is something he said at the LAN party we both went to today. I was on the other side of the room, so he probably didn’t realise I could hear. Another girl was asking him how he was going at school, and asked if he had a girlfriend. He said no, which didn’t surprise me exactly as we both deny it a bit at school to avoid trouble. I know I shouldn’t have been listening to his conversations, and I felt bad about it afterwards. I had to leave the LAN early due to transportation issues, so we haven’t had a chance to talk without others around. Maybe he has an explanation, I hope he does.



The Question:

How does he see this relationship? I don’t want to ask him to wait for me unless he wants to. It would be unfair, and too much pressure in this modern society. I know you can’t tell me how he feels for sure, but does anyone know the best way to find out? How can I ask about this without making things awkward?
I know I am going to feel horrible if we do break up; I get upset just thinking about it which is why I have so much trouble replying if he brings it up. I want him to be happy though, whatever we end up deciding. I also don’t want to find out later that we both wanted it for the long term, and neither of us was game to suggest it....

So please, what should I say? And when?


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Lene
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12 Nov 2011, 8:09 am

It's a bit worrying. He could have said he had a girlfriend without mentioning that it was you. Maybe he was afraid of getting made fun of, or is trying really hard to keep it quiet.

Or he could be lining up a replacement.

I think asking him directly is a good idea. Also, since he's so clear to make his opinion on the subject known, don't be afraid to mention yours too; it's ok to try for a long distance relationship. They don't always work out, less so if you're still in high school, but that's no reason not to say you'd like to try.

Quote:
What are we going to do about you leaving? We can’t keep going out when you are overseas for a year.’


It sounds like he wants you to change your mind about going overseas. Don't. Boyfriends come and go and he's not The One if he's already giving up on you before you've even left.

It sounds like he is also panicking a bit and he's scared of losing you; hence the 'don't leave me or else I'll dump you' ultimatum. A year seems like a long time but it can be done and if you take it a day at a time and 'see how it goes' it may work. Try not to think of it as a year-long contract.



Wolfheart
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12 Nov 2011, 8:46 am

Quote:
What are we going to do about you leaving? We can’t keep going out when you are overseas for a year.’


He's right, there's no point having a long distance relationships, he has already made it quite clear on where he stands. Long distance relationships tend to be unhealthy and rarely work out, long distance relationships also require trust and mutual understanding, something that doesn't appear to be very strong in this relationship. Cut all emotional ties and move on, the more you act needy about the situation, the more power you'll give him.

Lene wrote:
It sounds like he wants you to change your mind about going overseas. Don't. Boyfriends come and go and he's not The One if he's already giving up on you before you've even left.


I agree, people come and go, don't let them determine your experience or future, don't let it interfere with your studies. If there's already insecurity or instability at this stage of the relationship, you'll save yourself trouble calling it off now. Don't let your emotions or infatuation for someone blind you from what's logical, rational and healthy for the both of you. If there's already insecurity or instability at this stage of the relationship, you'll save yourself trouble calling it off now.



SoftlyStepping
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12 Nov 2011, 12:48 pm

Thalia wrote:
I was homeschooled until halfway through year 10, when I started at my current school, so I have no prior experience with relationships.


Being aware that you are inexperienced is important.

Thalia wrote:
We talked a lot over the next few days via email. He said he had started liking me as more than a friend several months before, and then apologised in case he was freaking me out. I explained that I have liked him since I first met him, so I wasn’t upset at all. We started going out to parks together and talking about our childhoods, school, all sorts of stuff. I thought I should tell him about my Aspergers, so he would be better able to understand if I said something that hurt him. I could never hurt him intentionally. Anyway, he replied that he had actually been diagnosed with Aspergers several years before.


That sounds like a lot of fun. Basically a flirty friendship, but not quite a relationship.

As for mentioning the diagnosis, the normal reaction is to wonder what the heck it is, then research it online and go bug-eyed.
I'm saying this so you will be aware, and perhaps be comfortable not mentioning it to future love interests. It's fine to stand on your own two feet, secure in your value as a person.

Thalia wrote:
We decided not to go telling everyone about our relationship as our school can be a bit funny about that and several other couples have been pressured to break up.


You are in a conservative environment. Most high schools are filled with couples dating and breaking up and so on. It's like kindergarten for dating.

Thalia wrote:
I decided years ago that I wasn’t going to just date for the sake of it.


Of course not. You're dating to learn the social skills that will allow you to attract a suitable mate later down the road.
I might add. You fear hurting a guy. The best way to learn is practice.

Thalia wrote:
I don’t know how he sees this relationship though.


Lifelong relationships usually begin after college.