I have strong feelings for my best friend.

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processedburgundy
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18 Nov 2011, 4:33 am

Hey all. I'm new here, I don't know if I know anyone on here in person, and I'm nervous posting this. I am an NT, my best friend is a male with aspergers, and as the title says, I have very strong feelings for him.
I'm three years older than him , and I met him through school and our common major. We've spent a lot of time together for the past year and have become very close. He told me about his aspergers fairly quickly, perhaps a month in to the friendship. I've been attracted to him from the moment I first saw him. My attraction to him faded this past summer and he felt just friend like, but then it changed again and my feelings are back with full force.
My "problem" here is that he has said that I am like a sister to him, however, he doesn't treat me like one at all. Granted, he can be fairly touchy with people, but he generally keeps it to a minimun of goofing around with a couple people a day. With me however, there seems to be no limit. He has not said that I'm sister-like for over a month, and a strange tension has risen in our friendship. He stares at me a lot, and he always hugs me or touches me somehow, be it a head on the shoulder, or placing his head against mine (which used to seem just normal, but now seems kind of intimate), or even putting his head in my lap.
I am not a young teen goo goo eyed over someone just because he is interesting. I am an adult who loves her best friend. I would like real feedback and advice, please? Also, he used to seem adamant about my being sister like, and now when someone suggests something romantic or sexual between us, it doesn't seem to bother him. Thank you to anyone who can give me some advice.



acentupleflat
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18 Nov 2011, 5:11 am

I suppose if he did like you (which it seems like he does) he'd have trouble admitting it. It's always awkward when someone with AS initiates the relationship, so we may as well as show our interest other ways right? Yep. You're probably going to have to find a way to ask him for some time together and eventually ask him out if things look good. Just keep in mind we need some alone time to rebuild our sanity, so don't take flakiness too personally unless he's trying his best not to talk to you.

Good luck.



deconstruction
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18 Nov 2011, 8:06 am

It's good that he feels comfortable around you. It's often difficult for an Aspie to find a person (s)he feels comfortable with.

To be honest, his actions don't seem like something a guy would do with a girl he sees as his sister. He's acting like he has some feelings for you as a girl. But this doesn't mean anything, this is just my interpretation of your words. Maybe it IS like this to him and maybe it is how he acts if he's comfortable around a person he doesn't see in a romantic/sexual way.

But since he's an Aspie, the only way to know is to be open and blunt about it. You will need to ask him, but you will also need to make him know you like him as a guy. That's not something he'll get through subtle signs.



Grisha
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18 Nov 2011, 8:27 am

I have two rules that I find to be extremely helpful in relationships with NT's:

Rule #1: Never underestimate the cluelessness of the Aspergian male.

Rule #2: When in doubt, say it in absurdly specific and unambiguous words.

eg "I really like you and I want you to kiss me on the lips for a long time, right now"



tronist
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19 Nov 2011, 12:01 am

Grisha wrote:
I have two rules that I find to be extremely helpful in relationships with NT's:

Rule #1: Never underestimate the cluelessness of the Aspergian male.

Rule #2: When in doubt, say it in absurdly specific and unambiguous words.

eg "I really like you and I want you to kiss me on the lips for a long time, right now"
THIS.



processedburgundy
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19 Nov 2011, 12:49 am

Thank you. I really appreciate the opinions. I had the idea that if he does have feelings for me, then he might have trouble admitting it, because we're close. He tells me a lot about his family and he generally comes to me when he feels upset. He does act sexual toward others, but only in a goofy way, and certainly not to the degree he does with me.
I have never seen him, or anyone with aspergers as clueless. I've noticed that he seems to be teaching himself to read people better. Ex: he could tell that my ex boyfriend and me were interested in one another, which would take being able to read the social cues and facial expressions. He also can tell at times when I'm in a bad mood and I'm only showing it a little bit. He usually just hugs me or asks if I'm okay subtly.
I've read that people with aspergers interact with people better via chat, email, messaging etc. However, with the two of us, we interact much better in person. Over text or anything like that its mostly business.
Is that strange? I know he interacts with others better online or over text. I appreciate any replies :)



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19 Nov 2011, 1:13 am

processedburgundy wrote:
Thank you. I really appreciate the opinions. I had the idea that if he does have feelings for me, then he might have trouble admitting it, because we're close. He tells me a lot about his family and he generally comes to me when he feels upset. He does act sexual toward others, but only in a goofy way, and certainly not to the degree he does with me.
I have never seen him, or anyone with aspergers as clueless. I've noticed that he seems to be teaching himself to read people better. Ex: he could tell that my ex boyfriend and me were interested in one another, which would take being able to read the social cues and facial expressions. He also can tell at times when I'm in a bad mood and I'm only showing it a little bit. He usually just hugs me or asks if I'm okay subtly.
I've read that people with aspergers interact with people better via chat, email, messaging etc. However, with the two of us, we interact much better in person. Over text or anything like that its mostly business.
Is that strange? I know he interacts with others better online or over text. I appreciate any replies :)


That's not strange. When I get to know someone on a deeper level in person, I inevitably learn how to read them. I can't speak for everyone with Aspergers, but I look for body language, tone of voice, and compare their actions/reactions with their usual 'way of being'. In this way, I can tell when they are upset in some way or if they like someone.


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acentupleflat
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19 Nov 2011, 1:20 am

Nope your right, but its still a matter of preference. The main feature of the syndrome is a lack of proper social awareness, an aspie may misinterpret what kind of smile a smile could be, or interrupt a conversation without knowing it was still going, etc. So usually we'd prefer using IM/email. There still may be benefits if the aspie is trained in public by an NT :lol: .

Hope that helps.



processedburgundy
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19 Nov 2011, 2:48 am

Thank you, your opinions and advice have helped. I had it in my head before that I would never tell him, but now I'm seriously considering it. I think he deserves to know that someone cares about him that much. I kept hoping that if anything were to happen between us, it would "just happen," naturally. Now I understand that I will have to tell him bluntly. This should be interesting :)



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19 Nov 2011, 3:19 am

Telling him doesn't mean you're not letting it happen naturally. If both of you feel this way and neither say anything, nothing will happen.


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19 Nov 2011, 7:33 am

tronist wrote:
Grisha wrote:
I have two rules that I find to be extremely helpful in relationships with NT's:

Rule #1: Never underestimate the cluelessness of the Aspergian male.

Rule #2: When in doubt, say it in absurdly specific and unambiguous words.

eg "I really like you and I want you to kiss me on the lips for a long time, right now"
THIS.
SO TRUE.



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19 Nov 2011, 11:31 am

I will make some educated guesses. And my ideas may not be right for you. I am just guessing really.
Your feeling a lot of tension, he is likely feeling the same but is unable to articulate it.
If he is inexperienced he may be afraid at the same time desperately wanting it.

As you are an NT I am thinking you already have this covered, is there another woman? If she is like yourself it may be a hard competition but if it is a not so good relationship you are in business still.

I am thinking the first scenario.
So could you be the geek god Dionysus? A sleepy, gentle lover who always want's to have fun?
You need to talk about the physical pleasures of life. The kind you guys can do together.
Position yourself in such a way to get things started. You need to find a way to kick start this thing, maybe use a little starter fluid. Once started its like a new engine that need a run in period.

You could try something like drink a little too much wine ( you can fake it, its just an excuse) and gosh you need to sleep over. I am so cold here and just jump in bed. Gosh you just happen to have practically no close on.

There are countless ways you can position yourself to move things forward.
Explaining the obvious can really help, he may be clueless or very hazy in his understanding of romantic things. He may have great difficulty articulating or processing anything to do with emotions. He does feel very much, it just cant get out and can be a scary thing for him to deal with as he is so incompetent in this realm. That why you are here to help with this :)

There are probably other issues, heck there is always other issues (excuses) not to deal with your fears. Just be patent and persistent, I am sure he wants to experience love so why not give it to him.



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20 Nov 2011, 10:06 am

Grisha wrote:
I have two rules that I find to be extremely helpful in relationships with NT's:

Rule #1: Never underestimate the cluelessness of the Aspergian male.

Rule #2: When in doubt, say it in absurdly specific and unambiguous words.

eg "I really like you and I want you to kiss me on the lips for a long time, right now"


Um... yeah. :oops: Agreed. Who on the spectrum wouldn't that work on?? :D


processedburgundy wrote:
Thank you, your opinions and advice have helped. I had it in my head before that I would never tell him, but now I'm seriously considering it. I think he deserves to know that someone cares about him that much. I kept hoping that if anything were to happen between us, it would "just happen," naturally. Now I understand that I will have to tell him bluntly. This should be interesting :)


*drumming fingers on desk waiting for the feedback*



processedburgundy
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21 Nov 2011, 1:23 am

Wow even more than I expected =D
The wine idea would be great, except he's not a drinker. I haven't seen him since I posted this so I haven't tried anything yet.
As far as another girl, he is single, but a couple months ago and over the summer he had told me about a girl he was talking to ( before the tension showed up, and he hasn't mentioned her again). There's also a girl he said he liked, and he's known her a long time, but he also hasn't mentioned her again since the new tension. Another thing, he seems to not like guys who see me as attractive or who like me.
Gosh you guys are making me want to gush about him here! *blush*. We used to joke like we were gonna kiss, until I said that it would one day happen by mistake, and then he said it might be weird. Since that day the sexual tension showed up, and now he kind of treats me like a girlfriend. We joke about being married or being together and stuff. He says he doesn't like to be too touchy with people and he doesn't like When people touch him. With me, like I said before, he touches me all the time and he doesn't mind whenever I touch him at all.
Ahh! I'm so nervous to see him tomorrow and try something! I have to wait until our noon class and I might chicken out!
I was thinking of just using the suggested line from a reply, it could work. Unless I Can think of something else.



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21 Nov 2011, 1:31 am

Grisha wrote:
I have two rules that I find to be extremely helpful in relationships with NT's:

Rule #1: Never underestimate the cluelessness of the Aspergian male.

Rule #2: When in doubt, say it in absurdly specific and unambiguous words.

eg "I really like you and I want you to kiss me on the lips for a long time, right now"


The other point is that even when we do understand social hints without it being explicitly stated (i.e. through eye contact and flirty smiles and gestures) we often can't do anything about it for varying reasons.



processedburgundy
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21 Nov 2011, 1:37 am

@Tequila: what sort of reasons? Do you mean personal ones or something else?