Lonely with social anxiety, but no local support groups.

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I was diagnosed with Asperger's a few weeks ago and it has really given me a good explanation for who I am and the way I was when I was younger. I've always had an anxiety when it comes to social situations and I just blew it off as me not being a people person. The majority of my social interactions when I was younger were so bad, that it's made me emotionally disconnected to some extent. I'd go as far as saying that, for the most part, I don't trust people to not hurt me emotionally. Even though I still get nervous around people, I'm still incredibly lonely. The conflict going on inside of me is very tough. On one hand, I'd really like to find some people who I can connect with on an emotional level, but on the other hand, I get scared or feel like everyone already thinks the worst of me from the start.

Meeting people online is very comfortable for me, though. In fact, my best (and only) friend is someone I met online and we've been friends for 6 years. The past few relationships I've been in have also come from things like internet dating sites. Meeting a single person that you know online isn't as terrifying because we've already established something online. There are things to talk about and there's a certain level of comfort. I've never had the courage to meet a group of people at once, though.

Currently, my therapist is trying to get me to do volunteer work in order to be more social. Most of the volunteer jobs available are things you do alone, so I looked for a support group for people with Asperger's, but couldn't find anything. I couldn't even find an interest group I could go to. I've tried chatting up strangers, but that's hard too because I can't read social queues like body language or facial expressions. I also have this issue with small talk. I know that it's there to break that uncomfortable silence and that it can turn into deep conversations, but I'm not good at it. I'm pretty bad at all conversations. I usually end up asking really dumb questions in an attempt at getting to know someone and I get short answers which prevent me from asking follow up questions. Any conversation that does get started is just about some elaborate information that I've memorized and when they ask me "why?" or "how so?" I freeze up and end up looking like the king of BS. I always wonder how they would respond if I answered with "I'm sorry. I have incredible memory retention for things I'm interested in, but I have no understanding of said information.". I also tend to over explain things and go on about one particular thing for a long time (see: everything I've ever posted), which has got to be boring as hell for people.

This may be a little bit off topic, but I'm also infinitely more comfortable around females than males. When I hang out with males, I feel like there's this expectation of me to be someone I'm not. Every male I've met and hung out with have had this macho thing going or are into that college frat culture of partying and getting drunk, both of which just aren't me. I feel like I'm the black sheep of the male world . I've met a few guys who are into video games or music like I am, but an interest alone isn't enough to build a strong friendship. And of course there's that social stigma in the male world of two guys emotionally bonding.

So far, this site has been the best social thing I've found. The people here are friendly and they have an understanding of how I am. I almost feel connected to some of these people just by reading about a certain struggle they're having. Probably explains why I've typed more stuff on this website in two days than I do in two weeks at work. While I'm always open to making new friends, regardless of their location, it would just be so nice to meet someone (or many someones if I felt comfortable) in person without feeling awkward or unaccepted. Someone that can see past my flaws, even if they don't understand them.

Does anyone have suggestions or have a similar problem? Please share your advice or your own stories

I feel the same way about meeting people online first-but then they meet me and the superficiality comes out and they all of a sudden do not like what they liked before they met me in person-I had a fellow aspie tell me they didn't like looks or personality-then why are you claiming to be my friend or whatever-anyway I have tried to socialize in person and evertime -no one walks up to me to talk and when I approach to maybe get into a conversation-they turn away-I may be on the autism spectrum but even I know what it means when people turn away from you-its frustrating and hurtful.

I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through that. I've been in the same situation where someone seems so nice online, but when they meet you they turn into a different person. I mean, how do you become less appealing to someone in person?

It starts out good online but I wasn't blessed with good looks and there are other factors that were involved with the friend in my past post but suffice it to say it was very hurtful and from another person on the spectrum. People see something in me or may they see something on me-I mean I have lost a bit of weight-enough that I can shop in regular stors and such but trying to improve myself may be neverending to try and impress other people I guess I can always improve but I am very happy with me so far.

It depends, mostly I would find your honesty refreshing, and I'd be impressed with your memory.
If you said it with a honest smile, some bewilderment and self-mockery it would be appealing.
If you said it to be self-critical and seemed hard on yourself, and made it a negative, it would be less appealing.

When you ask questions do you think about the difference between closed questions and open ones that draw out what you want to know about someone? (you know the Do you....? questions can be closed with a Yes or a No, whereas How do you feel about.......? draws stuff out) To your benefit, if they do interest you, you will be able to remember the stuff they say and they will be flattered that you listened so carefully.

Thank you, pastafarian. I will try working on asking more open ended questions, so they can't reply with a simple yes or no. I usually try to, but sometimes it doesn't happen.

This is what I try to do. Teasing myself a bit makes me feel more comfortable about my flaws. Instead of saying "oh man I suck at explaining things" I'd say "whoops, my brain just blue screened" (IT humor, I'm a nerd lol).

If you are more comfortable around more females than men, then it makes sense to me to concentrate on meeting women (why throw any extra challenge in?). I'm female but more happy around blokes as friends. I was always the lone female engineer so I got used to guys, I find it straightforward and I can find groups of women hard work. One-on-one women are fab, groups sometimes do my head in - especially when a group of women talk about men, I cant quite believe what they will publicly share. All of my best friends are blokes - blokes get nicer as they mature, like good cheese and wine. I still have fantastic female friends from uni. However, I find slightly older blokes will work pretty hard at a friendship, and thats what I want, a handful of really good people, not crowds and groups anymore.

Work has helped. I have built up a certain degree of social skill at work just by experience and by being around people who are good at it. I have been doing admin work in a hospital in different assignments through a temp agency. Strangely I have got a lot of this type of work (secretarial/admin) despite verbal communication being a weak point. I use the phone at work (I hesitate most times or put it off). Just practising making/receiving lots of calls can help.

I have been advised to try and start conversations e.g. in a shop say one thing to a stranger e.g. something innocuous like the weather. It is a step forward if you can just say 1 thing even if they don't really talk back.

I find it easier to go out if I have buddies, people who don't mind me being around them e.g. I cling to my husband a lot.

There are some befriending schemes on the National Autistic Society website e.g. online if nothing local.

Thank you for that. I always think that females will get the wrong idea about a guy wanting to talk to them. I mean, yeah, a lot of guys just talk to women for one thing, but is there a way to show them right away that I'm only interested in friendship? One thing that has worked form me is going up to a woman and say "Hi, my name is (xxx) and I'm trying to get over my fear of approaching and greeting strangers. It's nice to meet you." People seem to be receptive to this and I have gotten into some conversations, but then again I can't read body language, so they could be really uncomfortable .



Ever since working with my dad, I've been forced to interact with people and it has made me a bit more comfortable. Another thing that has helped is a certain medication that my doctor put me on. It's not an anti-depressant, but it does make me feel more pleasant and outgoing. It's almost like part of my fear of rejection is gone.

Has anyone ever forced themselves to talk to a stranger just to practice social skills? I'd like to hear how that went and if you've made any friends doing so.

Thats not a question I've ever thought about. I think you get the idea that someone is hitting on you more because of what they do say, so if you don't say any cheesy chat ups, anything overtly sexual, and you don't seem all cocky, then I would personally assume you were just being friendly.

I've never liked being chatted up (well I loved it age 16 but then sort of grew out of it), I'd much rather someone made friends (then if sparks grew after a more innocent start, thats nice).

I think your line sounds like its successful. I can imagine that would just sound friendly. Its honesty is a bit cute (no bad thing). If someone didn't reciprocate with "well its nice to meet you too", then maybe they are just shy or feeling unsociable.
Its a safe, friendly line. As a fairly sociable NT, I'd feel positive towards you.