Not sure what to make of an email correspondence

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AstroGeek
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22 Nov 2011, 4:46 pm

Lately I've been having email correspondences with a friend I made over the summer but who lives in a different city. I strongly suspect that he has AS, although when I told him about mine (not something I'd normally do, but I did here for several reasons) he said he'd never heard of it. That may be because he's a recent immigrant from China--I don't know that AS would be regularly diagnosed over there. On the other hand, some of what I might be interpreting as AS might just be cultural differences compounded with introversion.

Anyway, sometimes I wonder whether he doesn't want me emailing him. I get this sort of paranoia a lot, but in this case there have been a few things that I'm not sure what to make of. First, I am almost always the one emailing him--only once or twice has it been the other way around, and those were under special circumstances. Second, while I tend to ask questions in emails to keep the conversation going, he usually doesn't. Also, he tends to say rather, well, final things in emails. A while back he ended an email along the lines "good luck with your life." Much more recently he wished me good luck with school and ended by saying "I hope you have a happy Christmas." Now, we were discussing Christmas, and how our families celebrate (or don't celebrate it), but still, it's only mid-November. Does this mean he doesn't want to email with me for awhile and is just to polite to say it outright? I know that politeness is very important in some Asian cultures and that they will hesitate to directly disagree--which can cause a great deal of confusion for Westerners.

I did say in an email recently that I hoped that my emails weren't bothering him, mentioning that I worry because I'm always the one initiating conversations. He didn't really acknowledge that bit, although the first line of his replying email was "It's good to here from you."

However, we have Skyped a few times (always at my suggestion) and we've spoken for a long time. I've given him opportunities to politely leave (ex: the Skype session crashes and I ask if he needs to leave and do some homework) but he always refuses. Except for one case where people in his apartment were trying to sleep, it has always been me to end these conversations.

Does anyone know what to make of this? Should I assume he doesn't want to talk to me and email less, or not at all?



cathylynn
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22 Nov 2011, 5:47 pm

you can't read someone else's mind. it's just as likely that he's saying these "final" things out of awkwardness as trying to slow down your relationship. if i were you, i'd continue as i am unless your friend gives you something more solid to go on.



anneurysm
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22 Nov 2011, 8:16 pm

I get the sense that he is shy and socially awkward, and just may have some trouble initiating contact, as well as knowing how to be engaging in conversations. He could very well have undiagnosed AS. The fact that he responds to your emails should be a clue that he does want to keep this going. I'd say you don't have much to worry about.


_________________
Given a “tentative” diagnosis as a child as I needed services at school for what was later correctly discovered to be a major anxiety disorder.

This misdiagnosis caused me significant stress, which lessened upon finding out the truth about myself from my current and past long-term psychiatrists - that I am a highly sensitive person but do not have an autism spectrum disorder

My diagnoses - anxiety disorder, depression and traits of obsessive-compulsive disorder (all in remission).

I’m no longer involved with the ASD world.


rgdmn
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24 Nov 2011, 1:19 pm

I wouldn't read too much into his politeness. I'm inclined to think of the "good luck with your life" as a general well-wish, not a farewell-let-us-never-speak-again thing.

I know this advice is a lot easier to dispense than it is to take, but try not to be so paranoid. If he does not enjoy talking to you, there are far easier ways to shut down correspondence, and engaging in lengthy Skype conversations certainly does not feel like one of them.



abc123
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24 Nov 2011, 4:21 pm

How good is their English? If it is limited then they may be struggling a bit and sticking to phrases they know/misunderstanding things you say and being too embarrassed to say they don't understand.



AstroGeek
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24 Nov 2011, 4:46 pm

His English is pretty good--we rarely have trouble communicating. Sometimes he can't think of a word or I'll use a phrase that he doesn't understand. But he does sometimes say things strangely, especially when speaking out loud.