"Fight your own battles" - an unwritten rule???

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One cliche I've heard come up now and then, including in my own life, was "fight your own battles". Used in the context of someone being menaced by a bully - it's apparently part of the NT code, so it seems, that you don't go to others to fight your battles for you, you must deal with them yourself or else, to cite another cliche, you're a whiner not a winner.

Some examples: years ago as a 21-year-old, I had my family intervene in a discrimination situation, I had a family friend confront a bully not to bother me anymore, I had my mom speak to the principal in Grade 9 about a bully ringleader who got reprimanded and laid off me, and in more recent life I reported a workplace bully to HR. The results were mixed, but the net effect was I was better off than if I hadn't. However, the recurring theme in all that was that I regularly heard criticism through the grapevine that I'd get more respect if I stood up for myself and "fought my own battles".

This I vehemently disagree with. I would suspect that Aspies in general, including myself, would disagree with it more than NTs.

First off, if this were true, I would have ended up in hospital or in jail at least once by now. Or fired, best case scenario, which has never happened to me either because I didn't "fight my own battles". Because as we know, Aspies on average get targeted by bullies way more often than non-Aspies, so if they had to fight all of those battles, it would result in some really unpleasant consequences before too long.

So, for me it really comes down to two simple options: either a) disconnect from the situation where I don't have to deal with the bully anymore, or b) invoke more legitimate channels for dealing with the bully without jeopardizing myself. If people want to criticize that I should fight my own battles, I couldn't care less. And I'd wager that my fellow Aspies share the same sentiment, with similar stories to recount.

Besides - who hasn't had one of those times where a bully turned others against you? Who didn't experience a bully getting others to gang up on you, because they were manipulated by the bully's personal vendetta against you? So in that case, did the bully "fight their own battles"?

Standing up for yourself doesn't mean you'll end up in the hospital or in jail. If you really thought so, why did you expose your family friend to those risks? Aspie or not, you can't live your life as a doormat. This may sound harsh, but I can't help but feel that you're just trying to convince yourself you're not a coward, and you're using AS as a crutch to make excuses for yourself.

I can't sympathize; I'm an aspie too, and I never get bullied.

obviously, going through the proper channels has worked for you. i would call that fighting your own battles the smart way. those who start the dissatisfaction with your methods are probably the bullies themselves.

The truth is somewhere In between. You cant hide behind AS and you cant always relly on others to fight you battles. But bullying does exist, some people are simple more lucky than others.
Adults are never ever going to say this but some is going to f**k with you you have to f**k them up. Even if you loose the fight make it so effert that they move onto the next easiest target. I've had to fight adults when I was a kid. The offical channels only exist so the can say "everything went through official channels" its BS about not getting sued.
In sort bullies are reall, kick there asses.

Agree with many of your points, alein, especially about official channels. But what do you do when the bully is someone in authority? Trying to screw them back won't help you much. Sometimes you have to point out their behaviour to both themselves and someone higher up ( or an independant body.) And not all people, aspie or otherwise, have the confidence or verbal skills to do that - especially if they have been exposed to long-term bullying. fighting battles on your own can be fruitless - it often involves an imbalance of power.

Icy, no I don't think Aspies by definition are bully victims, but they are more often than the general population. To imply that your experience is the only one and that any one who is bullied is a coward who asked for it makes me think you are not aspie (or you would have some sort of insght into those who are "different" and therefore bullied, ) you are a bully yourself, or you just don't get out much.

I used to both (fist) fight (other children) & whine to my parent's about (teachers) my battles as a child but you are right. In the end I feel like everyone just wants you to argue your way out of stuff. I'm not adept at that. As I got older I was too mentally exhausted to fight at all.

Oh & due to the fact that I was in so many fights when I was young even more people would pick fights with me & I later learned that it was to show that they could beat me, like showing me up or something. It was quite ridiculous.

In fact up through middle school I would stand up for all of my friends as much as possible. No one was there for me in high school when my life became unbearable. They all disappeared.

I find it odd, not as an aspie, but as a human if someone has never been bullied. Most people seem to have been (at least mildly) bullied for some reason at some time.

I would do a mix of both until middle school when the authority figures wouldn't do much about it. As the bullying got worse, my mother pretty much taught me to "stand up for myself" even more. One day, I was picked on by one of my worst bullies at the time and I had enough of it. So I ran at him with my head down, headbutted him in the belly and pinned him to the wall. For the rest of the 6th grade year, I didn't get picked on as much.

My reign of terror continued until high school when my mother felt that I needed to play a social game since I wouldn't go out much. Despite my protesting, she bought World of Warcraft and she had me install it and at least try it. I was instantly addicted and for the past 3 years, I have calmed down a bit and chose to just ignore the bullies instead. Unfortunately, my computer got messed up and I can't install it due to the RAM requirements and the bullying is starting to get worse.

[Moved from News and Current Events to General Autism Discussion]

Well, sometimes it's not even an option to go through "proper channels", let alone fight your own battles. What if the bully is like 6'4 and 250 lbs, or if you work for a small family company and the bully is the arrogant son/daughter of the owner? Then you really have no option but to disconnect yourself from the situation as soon as it's feasible (which I would not call cowardice, I would call it smart, and pragmatic).

It seems to be a cultural myth that those who stand up for themselves will go far in life. Sometimes, but not always.
I'm more cynical & dubious about this myth. If you've ever seen the movie "Horrible Bosses", the opening quote from the protagonist goes something like this: "Many decades ago, my grandmother came to this country with only $20 in her pocket. She never took any crap from anyone. By the end of her life, she had exactly $20 to her name."

The unwritten code of fight your own battles really seems like a remnant from middle school days. It was about gaining respect. At 13 years old, if you deck the bully who constantly ridicules you in front of peers and kicks your books out of your hands etc, then you get his respect and he leaves you alone. Fast forward 20-odd years later, if you deck the bully at work who berates you in front of others and puts you down, you end up unemployed for a long time with a criminal record - you can look forward to a career at a burger joint or gas station. I'd rather just fight my own battles in the first scenario thank you very much.

"Fighting your own battles" is also a manipulative way of silencing the bully's target, as it basically amounts to the old cliche that "only losers tell" and this ties in with the criminal mentality of "nobody likes a rat". It's a phrase borne out of the ethics of bullies (which is basically zero) and how they brainwash victims and complacent people.

If you need help with a bully, you should "fight your own battles" but if you fight back, "You need to learn to pick your battles."

Jayo's right that it's often about silencing those targeted for bullying.

It's easy for a NT to say that 1) remember they don't always do what they say and 2) it requires a certain level of skills that AS can struggle with and they probably don't appreciate. I don't think it is rare for people with AS to be bullied. It's one thing to have the bravery to stand up to someone, it's another to be effective at it. Anxiety can be worse in AS (from an AS specialist I see) too.
I suppose this could improve with practice and guidance......It can make things easier to learn how to be more assertive and not so open to bullying. I like the post that it can be smart to fight the battle by knowing when it is better to get help.

Find people who will be supportive and you have things in common with.