Can I have some perspective on this?

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Today my NT brother gave me a talking too in the kitchen about how much i was ruining my family life because of my aspergers and how much of a burden i am on society etc...... he did say that i sued too be normal but as i got older i have gotten more weird. he did make me cry and was talking too me like a army drill sargent but he was just doing too be nice and helpful.

i will start of this thread by giving little info that i will discuss more in depth throughout this thread if people would like too give me advice on this.

i am not asking too be patted on the shoulder i just want some outsiders perspective on this. my AS is making me a burden on everybody. also can i add that i am unemployed and having been very lazy for ages and doing nothing aroudn the house.

May I just say your brother has not matured yet? He may be more mature than you are in many aspects, but even then...

OJani he did go on about how my dad might have a heart attack any day now becuase of some of my behaivour. i can do bad things unintentionally without realising it but mind you my behaviour around my parents has improved a lot.

If your AS disables you from being able to work a regular job, then it isn't your fault for not working. Perhaps you could help around the house more.

i did go too a normal school and a few collegues in the past. maybe if i do get a job it should be an easy one (if that even exists)

when my brother talked too me he did shout alot so maybe he is immature even though he will be 20 next year.

Your brother lacks tact for certain. How much of what he said, no matter the clumsiness of how he said it, is true to some degree? You do have a disability, but is it possible to do better? If not, then you're doing the best you can and he just doesn't realize it.

Is there any way that you can get some help? I will point out that being provided aides and other services is not charity or a burden on society. Working as aides gives people jobs so they can pay taxes and buy things. Ditto with the funds paid for services. Calling services necessary for functioning a burden on society is short-sighted.

SylvialLynn my uncle has also been giving me a talking too as well about my behaviour (my uncel is an alcholic who is in very bad health) i have too say my uncle kinda behaved like my brother as well except he was a bit more mature and did not shout so much (my uncle is 46).

i do appear like a weirdo because of my mannerisms even though on the inside i do not feel that way.

All i want too do is spread my wings and make a good life for myself

"Bad behavior" is a vague term in itself. It depends on the views of the person who uses it. You have to take into account the circumstances, too. Maybe your dad not fully aware of the implications of having autism/AS. I only speculate here, don't except anything more concrete from me without more insight. I don't blame him either. I see some similar pattern in the relationship between my sister (DXd with bipolar) and my dad. I haven't found a really powerful way to ease the situation resulting from this, I only wish I could. A most positive difference is, though, you're much younger than my sister. In addition, boys mature slower than females in general, not only autistics. As you say, your behavior has improved a lot. That's a good sign.

OJani would an outsider give me the same kinda talking too that my brother gave me earlier? uncle was quite stern with me as well.

i did orignally think that people outside the family would have more sympathy but i don't think thats always the case is it? the problem is people will always think "i feel sorry for the parents and family" instead of "i feel sorry for the person who has a mental disorder" its like just because we have a mental health problem makes us somewhow "evil" and the enemy.

Last edited by Jamesy on 08 Dec 2011, 11:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

Jamesy, when my oldest son was 19 he was basically sitting around, not going to school, not trying to find a job, not doing anything at all with his life. He wasn't doing anything to help around the house either. He's mostly NT. Eventually I had to make him do something to get on with his life. Yes, parents and others are concerned about this because adults are supposed to be doing something with their lives. If they aren't then someone wants to give them a kick in the pants to kick them out of the nest. This basically happens in all animal species. I know it's difficult perhaps to live on your own, or figure out what to do next, but if you start to do something like go to college, or get whatever help you need then people around you won't be as concerned.

SylviaLynn do you agree though that its always.........

"the problem is people will always think "i feel sorry for the parents and family" instead of "i feel sorry for the person who has a mental disorder" its like just because we have a mental health problem makes us somewhow "evil" and the enemy.

Wait. It's not the same thing if you ask for sympathy from family members and outsiders. Family members will almost always expect more from you, because being of the same family makes difference, it renders them more concerned about you in both positive and negative ways. They'd share your failures just as your successes. So, in this situation, they are concerned with your so perceived bad behavior and its future prospect. An outsider may give you a more balanced and objective opinion about your behavior, if they're given the chance to get to know you well enough. This all doesn't affect that in most cases family members care for you way more than outsiders, bare it in your mind. The surface may fool you.

so bascially an outsider would not shout at me like an army office like my brother did?

Your brother was not being "nice" or "helpful" he was just placing blame and acting both inappropriately and with out empathy (something NTs like to accuse us of w/o seeing that they do the same thing) while blameing you for all of your families problems. This strategy of his will only make the problems worse
It sounds like he is just useing you as a scapegoat. Unfortunately many 19-20 year olds are not very mature and age does not atimatically equal maturity.
If you feel you are having difficalty you can always seek help from an understanding source (councelor, psychologist, minister/chaplin/priest/rabbi/imam, trusted family member, etcetera) to discuss any issues you are having and strategies to resolve them.
As for working, the economy makes that difficult but try seeking employment in your skill/interest areas and you'll do better.

No, your brother shouldn't do that either. Somehow you have to fight at two fronts: improving your behavior (and preparing yourself to "spread your wings"), and hold back the herd of family members shouting at you... Really, there's not much else to do. You have to be careful, though. Nuances, paying attention to others, etc, etc, just like the usual stuff. Sorry, I have to go now, see you later.

I don't know what people always think. Often they don't see or understand the disability at all. They just see the behavior and not the cause. I am sorry for the way your family is treating you. They shouldn't be expressing their concerns that way. It's hurtful and probably not at all helpful. Of course you're not evil or the enemy. Chances are high that your family does love you.

Whether or not an outsider would shout at you like that would depend on the outsider. People in a position to actually give you some help are not likely to shout at you since they know, or at least can understand, what problems you have. They are more objective. Your brother and uncle are not likely to be objective because they are concerned not only about you, but also about your father.

My motivation in talking to you like this is not that I feel sorry for your parents and your family, but rather so that you can know that there are options for you. A lot of times people don't grow because they don't know how and don't know where to get help. I certainly don't think you're evil. I've worked with lots of adults with various mental and cognitive disabilities.