18 Oct 2009, 12:40 pm
18 Oct 2009, 1:02 pm
18 Oct 2009, 1:09 pm
Blindspot149
Veteran
Joined: 7 Oct 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,516
Location: Aspergers Quadrant, INTJ, AQ 45/50
18 Oct 2009, 1:12 pm
Roman wrote:
Okay in the context of thinking of why I don't have a lot of luck with women, I have recently ran across a realization that attraction has never been a part of the equation. YES I AM STRAIGHT, but the point is that my whole emotional spectrum is very flat. I don't really enjoy eating, or any other "simple" things. My whole purpose of life was getting approval from others, and this definitely includes having girlfriend. Thus, it doesn't even matter how attractive she is. The only thing I care about is that she is willing to be "in a relationship" with me which is a sign of approval. Thus I had to work out LOGICALLY on how to "generate" signs of attraction which I didn't feel. So, in a sense, I was basically deceiving everyone by trying to pretend to feel something which I don't. At the same time, I was taking it for granted that it is a world-wide fact that the only reason for relationship is an approval, so I weren't even realizing I was basically trying to lie to everyone!
Of course the other factor is the fact taht I was obsessed about every single woman I was with. But this still can be traced to waht is discussed above. Trying to fake emotions is a streneous intellectual task. So, no wonder, from time to time I was failing at it. And the more I fail the more I became convinced that I have to obsess about it more and more. And, of course, my low self esteem (another depressive symptome) reinforced my obsession since the approval I was getting from women was basically a life-saver since being single absolutely causes me to feel that I am worthless. Of course, if I had some little things that were making me happy, they would of distracted me from this obsession. But the fact that I can't "smell roses" makes any and all of my obsessions basically a point of my life.
So this brings me to asking is having flat affect part of Asperger? I guess I kind of have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I definitely had much more emotions up untill I was 18. Yes I was definitely attracted to some women and had several crushes some of which lasted for many month up. The irony is that I have been ignoring them which was combination of extreme shyness about it as well as an idea that physics is all that matters and everything else is a "waste of time". On the other hand, right now that I don't really feel attracted to women, all of a sudden I WANT a girlfriend just in order to get an approval.
So could it be that I am suffering mild depressive symptoms that my life is dominated by "gray" feelings (i.e. mostly lack of them) as well as negativity (thoughts of rejection). Because a lot of other htinsg became that way too. I lost interest in school, and also eating became an exercise, and my days are dominated by an idea that I have to "escape" to another dimension. But on the other hand, I am not really sure whether it is serious enough to be called "depression" because I never had suicidal thoughts or anything of that nature.
So could it be part of Asperger DESPITE the fact that it started when I was over 18? Yes, Asperger is what I get from birth. BUT could it be that up UNTILL I was 18 there were other things that "made up" for Asperger? For example, even though I was programmed not to care about food, still the fact that I USED to be a growing boy made me care? And likewise could it be that despite the fact that I was programmed not to feel any strong attraction to women, the fact that I was a teen MADE me feel one?
But on the toher hand, it is interesting that I can spot a particular event when my whole life became kind of gray. Namely, when I got two D-s back in Spring 1999, when I was 19. Starting from that point I got into a "different dimension" so to speak in a sense that everything both good and bad were in "different colors" (much more gray than before) and I never came back. I remember LONGING to come back to the "other side" of two D-s (and still do) not because of the D-s but because of that "other dimension".
BUt then again, since I was 19, that other dimension could be accounted by my stopping to grow. Once the growth stops, aging begins. So I dunno, is the whole business part of Asperger, or stopping to grow, or depressive symptoms or all of the above? Do anyone else identify with the fact that you LACK any kind of emotions OTHER THAN wanting to please others? Going back to the original topic of the post, do you guys seek relationship because you actually feel attracted to the members of opposite sex, or do you simply try to pretend to be having feelings that you don't, just for the sake of self-validation?
Or another thought: could lack of emotions basically be a ROOT of Asperger? Because looking back to what I felt up UNTIL I was 18, I realize that if I were to approach back then any of the women I did feel attracted to, then I would of actually done a lot of the things which right now I am being accused of NOT doing And, of course, failing to do them always gets blamed on Asperger since it is linked to lack of social skills (but then again, how do I know I would of done untill I was 18 given that back then I was totally consumed with school and nothing else). So, if true, could the same be extrapolated on otehr areas of life? Could it be that for example aspies don't do other socially appropriate things simply because they don't care about anyone other than themselves? Lets take my ability to hold conversation. I would hold it just fine if it happends to relate to my topic of obsession. But since in most of the cases it doesn't, thats why I can't hold conversation with anyone.
And by the way speaking of obsessive topics, this again reinforces my idea. If aspies have restricted interests, then NO WONDER they feel gray most of the time. After all normal people always get recharged through different little things that "make them happy" but since aspies have restricted interests there is NOTHING that would make aspi happy other than X, Y, and Z. So this would be a pretty sad place to be.
So, in light of this, does asperger relate to mild depression? I know that aspies feel depressed due to social failures. But even apart from any and all social problems, shouldnt' aspies also be depressed due to the fact that they are only interested in so few things and nothing else? And also could the problem that aspies have with social skills be dirrectly related to that other kind of depression? And of course can it be really called depression since it doesn't cause suicide or anyting like that? Any input would be helpful.
Of course the other factor is the fact taht I was obsessed about every single woman I was with. But this still can be traced to waht is discussed above. Trying to fake emotions is a streneous intellectual task. So, no wonder, from time to time I was failing at it. And the more I fail the more I became convinced that I have to obsess about it more and more. And, of course, my low self esteem (another depressive symptome) reinforced my obsession since the approval I was getting from women was basically a life-saver since being single absolutely causes me to feel that I am worthless. Of course, if I had some little things that were making me happy, they would of distracted me from this obsession. But the fact that I can't "smell roses" makes any and all of my obsessions basically a point of my life.
So this brings me to asking is having flat affect part of Asperger? I guess I kind of have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I definitely had much more emotions up untill I was 18. Yes I was definitely attracted to some women and had several crushes some of which lasted for many month up. The irony is that I have been ignoring them which was combination of extreme shyness about it as well as an idea that physics is all that matters and everything else is a "waste of time". On the other hand, right now that I don't really feel attracted to women, all of a sudden I WANT a girlfriend just in order to get an approval.
So could it be that I am suffering mild depressive symptoms that my life is dominated by "gray" feelings (i.e. mostly lack of them) as well as negativity (thoughts of rejection). Because a lot of other htinsg became that way too. I lost interest in school, and also eating became an exercise, and my days are dominated by an idea that I have to "escape" to another dimension. But on the other hand, I am not really sure whether it is serious enough to be called "depression" because I never had suicidal thoughts or anything of that nature.
So could it be part of Asperger DESPITE the fact that it started when I was over 18? Yes, Asperger is what I get from birth. BUT could it be that up UNTILL I was 18 there were other things that "made up" for Asperger? For example, even though I was programmed not to care about food, still the fact that I USED to be a growing boy made me care? And likewise could it be that despite the fact that I was programmed not to feel any strong attraction to women, the fact that I was a teen MADE me feel one?
But on the toher hand, it is interesting that I can spot a particular event when my whole life became kind of gray. Namely, when I got two D-s back in Spring 1999, when I was 19. Starting from that point I got into a "different dimension" so to speak in a sense that everything both good and bad were in "different colors" (much more gray than before) and I never came back. I remember LONGING to come back to the "other side" of two D-s (and still do) not because of the D-s but because of that "other dimension".
BUt then again, since I was 19, that other dimension could be accounted by my stopping to grow. Once the growth stops, aging begins. So I dunno, is the whole business part of Asperger, or stopping to grow, or depressive symptoms or all of the above? Do anyone else identify with the fact that you LACK any kind of emotions OTHER THAN wanting to please others? Going back to the original topic of the post, do you guys seek relationship because you actually feel attracted to the members of opposite sex, or do you simply try to pretend to be having feelings that you don't, just for the sake of self-validation?
Or another thought: could lack of emotions basically be a ROOT of Asperger? Because looking back to what I felt up UNTIL I was 18, I realize that if I were to approach back then any of the women I did feel attracted to, then I would of actually done a lot of the things which right now I am being accused of NOT doing And, of course, failing to do them always gets blamed on Asperger since it is linked to lack of social skills (but then again, how do I know I would of done untill I was 18 given that back then I was totally consumed with school and nothing else). So, if true, could the same be extrapolated on otehr areas of life? Could it be that for example aspies don't do other socially appropriate things simply because they don't care about anyone other than themselves? Lets take my ability to hold conversation. I would hold it just fine if it happends to relate to my topic of obsession. But since in most of the cases it doesn't, thats why I can't hold conversation with anyone.
And by the way speaking of obsessive topics, this again reinforces my idea. If aspies have restricted interests, then NO WONDER they feel gray most of the time. After all normal people always get recharged through different little things that "make them happy" but since aspies have restricted interests there is NOTHING that would make aspi happy other than X, Y, and Z. So this would be a pretty sad place to be.
So, in light of this, does asperger relate to mild depression? I know that aspies feel depressed due to social failures. But even apart from any and all social problems, shouldnt' aspies also be depressed due to the fact that they are only interested in so few things and nothing else? And also could the problem that aspies have with social skills be dirrectly related to that other kind of depression? And of course can it be really called depression since it doesn't cause suicide or anyting like that? Any input would be helpful.
Could you perhaps summarize this a bit please? It's a bit too much for me
Blindspot149
Veteran
Joined: 7 Oct 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,516
Location: Aspergers Quadrant, INTJ, AQ 45/50
18 Oct 2009, 1:15 pm
Roman wrote:
Okay in the context of thinking of why I don't have a lot of luck with women, I have recently ran across a realization that attraction has never been a part of the equation. YES I AM STRAIGHT, but the point is that my whole emotional spectrum is very flat. I don't really enjoy eating, or any other "simple" things. My whole purpose of life was getting approval from others, and this definitely includes having girlfriend. Thus, it doesn't even matter how attractive she is. The only thing I care about is that she is willing to be "in a relationship" with me which is a sign of approval. Thus I had to work out LOGICALLY on how to "generate" signs of attraction which I didn't feel. So, in a sense, I was basically deceiving everyone by trying to pretend to feel something which I don't. At the same time, I was taking it for granted that it is a world-wide fact that the only reason for relationship is an approval, so I weren't even realizing I was basically trying to lie to everyone!
Of course the other factor is the fact taht I was obsessed about every single woman I was with. But this still can be traced to waht is discussed above. Trying to fake emotions is a streneous intellectual task. So, no wonder, from time to time I was failing at it. And the more I fail the more I became convinced that I have to obsess about it more and more. And, of course, my low self esteem (another depressive symptome) reinforced my obsession since the approval I was getting from women was basically a life-saver since being single absolutely causes me to feel that I am worthless. Of course, if I had some little things that were making me happy, they would of distracted me from this obsession. But the fact that I can't "smell roses" makes any and all of my obsessions basically a point of my life.
So this brings me to asking is having flat affect part of Asperger? I guess I kind of have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I definitely had much more emotions up untill I was 18. Yes I was definitely attracted to some women and had several crushes some of which lasted for many month up. The irony is that I have been ignoring them which was combination of extreme shyness about it as well as an idea that physics is all that matters and everything else is a "waste of time". On the other hand, right now that I don't really feel attracted to women, all of a sudden I WANT a girlfriend just in order to get an approval.
So could it be that I am suffering mild depressive symptoms that my life is dominated by "gray" feelings (i.e. mostly lack of them) as well as negativity (thoughts of rejection). Because a lot of other htinsg became that way too. I lost interest in school, and also eating became an exercise, and my days are dominated by an idea that I have to "escape" to another dimension. But on the other hand, I am not really sure whether it is serious enough to be called "depression" because I never had suicidal thoughts or anything of that nature.
So could it be part of Asperger DESPITE the fact that it started when I was over 18? Yes, Asperger is what I get from birth. BUT could it be that up UNTILL I was 18 there were other things that "made up" for Asperger? For example, even though I was programmed not to care about food, still the fact that I USED to be a growing boy made me care? And likewise could it be that despite the fact that I was programmed not to feel any strong attraction to women, the fact that I was a teen MADE me feel one?
But on the toher hand, it is interesting that I can spot a particular event when my whole life became kind of gray. Namely, when I got two D-s back in Spring 1999, when I was 19. Starting from that point I got into a "different dimension" so to speak in a sense that everything both good and bad were in "different colors" (much more gray than before) and I never came back. I remember LONGING to come back to the "other side" of two D-s (and still do) not because of the D-s but because of that "other dimension".
BUt then again, since I was 19, that other dimension could be accounted by my stopping to grow. Once the growth stops, aging begins. So I dunno, is the whole business part of Asperger, or stopping to grow, or depressive symptoms or all of the above? Do anyone else identify with the fact that you LACK any kind of emotions OTHER THAN wanting to please others? Going back to the original topic of the post, do you guys seek relationship because you actually feel attracted to the members of opposite sex, or do you simply try to pretend to be having feelings that you don't, just for the sake of self-validation?
Or another thought: could lack of emotions basically be a ROOT of Asperger? Because looking back to what I felt up UNTIL I was 18, I realize that if I were to approach back then any of the women I did feel attracted to, then I would of actually done a lot of the things which right now I am being accused of NOT doing And, of course, failing to do them always gets blamed on Asperger since it is linked to lack of social skills (but then again, how do I know I would of done untill I was 18 given that back then I was totally consumed with school and nothing else). So, if true, could the same be extrapolated on otehr areas of life? Could it be that for example aspies don't do other socially appropriate things simply because they don't care about anyone other than themselves? Lets take my ability to hold conversation. I would hold it just fine if it happends to relate to my topic of obsession. But since in most of the cases it doesn't, thats why I can't hold conversation with anyone.
And by the way speaking of obsessive topics, this again reinforces my idea. If aspies have restricted interests, then NO WONDER they feel gray most of the time. After all normal people always get recharged through different little things that "make them happy" but since aspies have restricted interests there is NOTHING that would make aspi happy other than X, Y, and Z. So this would be a pretty sad place to be.
So, in light of this, does asperger relate to mild depression? I know that aspies feel depressed due to social failures. But even apart from any and all social problems, shouldnt' aspies also be depressed due to the fact that they are only interested in so few things and nothing else? And also could the problem that aspies have with social skills be dirrectly related to that other kind of depression? And of course can it be really called depression since it doesn't cause suicide or anyting like that? Any input would be helpful.
Of course the other factor is the fact taht I was obsessed about every single woman I was with. But this still can be traced to waht is discussed above. Trying to fake emotions is a streneous intellectual task. So, no wonder, from time to time I was failing at it. And the more I fail the more I became convinced that I have to obsess about it more and more. And, of course, my low self esteem (another depressive symptome) reinforced my obsession since the approval I was getting from women was basically a life-saver since being single absolutely causes me to feel that I am worthless. Of course, if I had some little things that were making me happy, they would of distracted me from this obsession. But the fact that I can't "smell roses" makes any and all of my obsessions basically a point of my life.
So this brings me to asking is having flat affect part of Asperger? I guess I kind of have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I definitely had much more emotions up untill I was 18. Yes I was definitely attracted to some women and had several crushes some of which lasted for many month up. The irony is that I have been ignoring them which was combination of extreme shyness about it as well as an idea that physics is all that matters and everything else is a "waste of time". On the other hand, right now that I don't really feel attracted to women, all of a sudden I WANT a girlfriend just in order to get an approval.
So could it be that I am suffering mild depressive symptoms that my life is dominated by "gray" feelings (i.e. mostly lack of them) as well as negativity (thoughts of rejection). Because a lot of other htinsg became that way too. I lost interest in school, and also eating became an exercise, and my days are dominated by an idea that I have to "escape" to another dimension. But on the other hand, I am not really sure whether it is serious enough to be called "depression" because I never had suicidal thoughts or anything of that nature.
So could it be part of Asperger DESPITE the fact that it started when I was over 18? Yes, Asperger is what I get from birth. BUT could it be that up UNTILL I was 18 there were other things that "made up" for Asperger? For example, even though I was programmed not to care about food, still the fact that I USED to be a growing boy made me care? And likewise could it be that despite the fact that I was programmed not to feel any strong attraction to women, the fact that I was a teen MADE me feel one?
But on the toher hand, it is interesting that I can spot a particular event when my whole life became kind of gray. Namely, when I got two D-s back in Spring 1999, when I was 19. Starting from that point I got into a "different dimension" so to speak in a sense that everything both good and bad were in "different colors" (much more gray than before) and I never came back. I remember LONGING to come back to the "other side" of two D-s (and still do) not because of the D-s but because of that "other dimension".
BUt then again, since I was 19, that other dimension could be accounted by my stopping to grow. Once the growth stops, aging begins. So I dunno, is the whole business part of Asperger, or stopping to grow, or depressive symptoms or all of the above? Do anyone else identify with the fact that you LACK any kind of emotions OTHER THAN wanting to please others? Going back to the original topic of the post, do you guys seek relationship because you actually feel attracted to the members of opposite sex, or do you simply try to pretend to be having feelings that you don't, just for the sake of self-validation?
Or another thought: could lack of emotions basically be a ROOT of Asperger? Because looking back to what I felt up UNTIL I was 18, I realize that if I were to approach back then any of the women I did feel attracted to, then I would of actually done a lot of the things which right now I am being accused of NOT doing And, of course, failing to do them always gets blamed on Asperger since it is linked to lack of social skills (but then again, how do I know I would of done untill I was 18 given that back then I was totally consumed with school and nothing else). So, if true, could the same be extrapolated on otehr areas of life? Could it be that for example aspies don't do other socially appropriate things simply because they don't care about anyone other than themselves? Lets take my ability to hold conversation. I would hold it just fine if it happends to relate to my topic of obsession. But since in most of the cases it doesn't, thats why I can't hold conversation with anyone.
And by the way speaking of obsessive topics, this again reinforces my idea. If aspies have restricted interests, then NO WONDER they feel gray most of the time. After all normal people always get recharged through different little things that "make them happy" but since aspies have restricted interests there is NOTHING that would make aspi happy other than X, Y, and Z. So this would be a pretty sad place to be.
So, in light of this, does asperger relate to mild depression? I know that aspies feel depressed due to social failures. But even apart from any and all social problems, shouldnt' aspies also be depressed due to the fact that they are only interested in so few things and nothing else? And also could the problem that aspies have with social skills be dirrectly related to that other kind of depression? And of course can it be really called depression since it doesn't cause suicide or anyting like that? Any input would be helpful.
Could you perhaps summarize this a bit please? It's a bit too much for me
18 Oct 2009, 1:17 pm
Blindspot149 wrote:
Could you perhaps summarize this a bit please? It's a bit too much for me
Exactly again.
Anything over 40 words and I'm usually hitting the "NEXT" button.
18 Oct 2009, 1:23 pm
Blindspot149 wrote:
Roman wrote:
Okay in the context of thinking of why I don't have a lot of luck with women, I have recently ran across a realization that attraction has never been a part of the equation. YES I AM STRAIGHT, but the point is that my whole emotional spectrum is very flat. I don't really enjoy eating, or any other "simple" things. My whole purpose of life was getting approval from others, and this definitely includes having girlfriend. Thus, it doesn't even matter how attractive she is. The only thing I care about is that she is willing to be "in a relationship" with me which is a sign of approval. Thus I had to work out LOGICALLY on how to "generate" signs of attraction which I didn't feel. So, in a sense, I was basically deceiving everyone by trying to pretend to feel something which I don't. At the same time, I was taking it for granted that it is a world-wide fact that the only reason for relationship is an approval, so I weren't even realizing I was basically trying to lie to everyone!
Of course the other factor is the fact taht I was obsessed about every single woman I was with. But this still can be traced to waht is discussed above. Trying to fake emotions is a streneous intellectual task. So, no wonder, from time to time I was failing at it. And the more I fail the more I became convinced that I have to obsess about it more and more. And, of course, my low self esteem (another depressive symptome) reinforced my obsession since the approval I was getting from women was basically a life-saver since being single absolutely causes me to feel that I am worthless. Of course, if I had some little things that were making me happy, they would of distracted me from this obsession. But the fact that I can't "smell roses" makes any and all of my obsessions basically a point of my life.
So this brings me to asking is having flat affect part of Asperger? I guess I kind of have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I definitely had much more emotions up untill I was 18. Yes I was definitely attracted to some women and had several crushes some of which lasted for many month up. The irony is that I have been ignoring them which was combination of extreme shyness about it as well as an idea that physics is all that matters and everything else is a "waste of time". On the other hand, right now that I don't really feel attracted to women, all of a sudden I WANT a girlfriend just in order to get an approval.
So could it be that I am suffering mild depressive symptoms that my life is dominated by "gray" feelings (i.e. mostly lack of them) as well as negativity (thoughts of rejection). Because a lot of other htinsg became that way too. I lost interest in school, and also eating became an exercise, and my days are dominated by an idea that I have to "escape" to another dimension. But on the other hand, I am not really sure whether it is serious enough to be called "depression" because I never had suicidal thoughts or anything of that nature.
So could it be part of Asperger DESPITE the fact that it started when I was over 18? Yes, Asperger is what I get from birth. BUT could it be that up UNTILL I was 18 there were other things that "made up" for Asperger? For example, even though I was programmed not to care about food, still the fact that I USED to be a growing boy made me care? And likewise could it be that despite the fact that I was programmed not to feel any strong attraction to women, the fact that I was a teen MADE me feel one?
But on the toher hand, it is interesting that I can spot a particular event when my whole life became kind of gray. Namely, when I got two D-s back in Spring 1999, when I was 19. Starting from that point I got into a "different dimension" so to speak in a sense that everything both good and bad were in "different colors" (much more gray than before) and I never came back. I remember LONGING to come back to the "other side" of two D-s (and still do) not because of the D-s but because of that "other dimension".
BUt then again, since I was 19, that other dimension could be accounted by my stopping to grow. Once the growth stops, aging begins. So I dunno, is the whole business part of Asperger, or stopping to grow, or depressive symptoms or all of the above? Do anyone else identify with the fact that you LACK any kind of emotions OTHER THAN wanting to please others? Going back to the original topic of the post, do you guys seek relationship because you actually feel attracted to the members of opposite sex, or do you simply try to pretend to be having feelings that you don't, just for the sake of self-validation?
Or another thought: could lack of emotions basically be a ROOT of Asperger? Because looking back to what I felt up UNTIL I was 18, I realize that if I were to approach back then any of the women I did feel attracted to, then I would of actually done a lot of the things which right now I am being accused of NOT doing And, of course, failing to do them always gets blamed on Asperger since it is linked to lack of social skills (but then again, how do I know I would of done untill I was 18 given that back then I was totally consumed with school and nothing else). So, if true, could the same be extrapolated on otehr areas of life? Could it be that for example aspies don't do other socially appropriate things simply because they don't care about anyone other than themselves? Lets take my ability to hold conversation. I would hold it just fine if it happends to relate to my topic of obsession. But since in most of the cases it doesn't, thats why I can't hold conversation with anyone.
And by the way speaking of obsessive topics, this again reinforces my idea. If aspies have restricted interests, then NO WONDER they feel gray most of the time. After all normal people always get recharged through different little things that "make them happy" but since aspies have restricted interests there is NOTHING that would make aspi happy other than X, Y, and Z. So this would be a pretty sad place to be.
So, in light of this, does asperger relate to mild depression? I know that aspies feel depressed due to social failures. But even apart from any and all social problems, shouldnt' aspies also be depressed due to the fact that they are only interested in so few things and nothing else? And also could the problem that aspies have with social skills be dirrectly related to that other kind of depression? And of course can it be really called depression since it doesn't cause suicide or anyting like that? Any input would be helpful.
Of course the other factor is the fact taht I was obsessed about every single woman I was with. But this still can be traced to waht is discussed above. Trying to fake emotions is a streneous intellectual task. So, no wonder, from time to time I was failing at it. And the more I fail the more I became convinced that I have to obsess about it more and more. And, of course, my low self esteem (another depressive symptome) reinforced my obsession since the approval I was getting from women was basically a life-saver since being single absolutely causes me to feel that I am worthless. Of course, if I had some little things that were making me happy, they would of distracted me from this obsession. But the fact that I can't "smell roses" makes any and all of my obsessions basically a point of my life.
So this brings me to asking is having flat affect part of Asperger? I guess I kind of have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I definitely had much more emotions up untill I was 18. Yes I was definitely attracted to some women and had several crushes some of which lasted for many month up. The irony is that I have been ignoring them which was combination of extreme shyness about it as well as an idea that physics is all that matters and everything else is a "waste of time". On the other hand, right now that I don't really feel attracted to women, all of a sudden I WANT a girlfriend just in order to get an approval.
So could it be that I am suffering mild depressive symptoms that my life is dominated by "gray" feelings (i.e. mostly lack of them) as well as negativity (thoughts of rejection). Because a lot of other htinsg became that way too. I lost interest in school, and also eating became an exercise, and my days are dominated by an idea that I have to "escape" to another dimension. But on the other hand, I am not really sure whether it is serious enough to be called "depression" because I never had suicidal thoughts or anything of that nature.
So could it be part of Asperger DESPITE the fact that it started when I was over 18? Yes, Asperger is what I get from birth. BUT could it be that up UNTILL I was 18 there were other things that "made up" for Asperger? For example, even though I was programmed not to care about food, still the fact that I USED to be a growing boy made me care? And likewise could it be that despite the fact that I was programmed not to feel any strong attraction to women, the fact that I was a teen MADE me feel one?
But on the toher hand, it is interesting that I can spot a particular event when my whole life became kind of gray. Namely, when I got two D-s back in Spring 1999, when I was 19. Starting from that point I got into a "different dimension" so to speak in a sense that everything both good and bad were in "different colors" (much more gray than before) and I never came back. I remember LONGING to come back to the "other side" of two D-s (and still do) not because of the D-s but because of that "other dimension".
BUt then again, since I was 19, that other dimension could be accounted by my stopping to grow. Once the growth stops, aging begins. So I dunno, is the whole business part of Asperger, or stopping to grow, or depressive symptoms or all of the above? Do anyone else identify with the fact that you LACK any kind of emotions OTHER THAN wanting to please others? Going back to the original topic of the post, do you guys seek relationship because you actually feel attracted to the members of opposite sex, or do you simply try to pretend to be having feelings that you don't, just for the sake of self-validation?
Or another thought: could lack of emotions basically be a ROOT of Asperger? Because looking back to what I felt up UNTIL I was 18, I realize that if I were to approach back then any of the women I did feel attracted to, then I would of actually done a lot of the things which right now I am being accused of NOT doing And, of course, failing to do them always gets blamed on Asperger since it is linked to lack of social skills (but then again, how do I know I would of done untill I was 18 given that back then I was totally consumed with school and nothing else). So, if true, could the same be extrapolated on otehr areas of life? Could it be that for example aspies don't do other socially appropriate things simply because they don't care about anyone other than themselves? Lets take my ability to hold conversation. I would hold it just fine if it happends to relate to my topic of obsession. But since in most of the cases it doesn't, thats why I can't hold conversation with anyone.
And by the way speaking of obsessive topics, this again reinforces my idea. If aspies have restricted interests, then NO WONDER they feel gray most of the time. After all normal people always get recharged through different little things that "make them happy" but since aspies have restricted interests there is NOTHING that would make aspi happy other than X, Y, and Z. So this would be a pretty sad place to be.
So, in light of this, does asperger relate to mild depression? I know that aspies feel depressed due to social failures. But even apart from any and all social problems, shouldnt' aspies also be depressed due to the fact that they are only interested in so few things and nothing else? And also could the problem that aspies have with social skills be dirrectly related to that other kind of depression? And of course can it be really called depression since it doesn't cause suicide or anyting like that? Any input would be helpful.
Could you perhaps summarize this a bit please? It's a bit too much for me
That post was originally written three years ago, so a lot of it is not relevent to my current situation since I had two year long relationship between then and now, which was only recently over, so I am not yet back to being puzzled as to why I can't find a new one.
The reason I bumped this post up is that it seems to be relevent to my present situation in a sense that I talked a lot about not being able to enjoy things, and the way it impacts relationshp. This seems to be very relevent to what happened the last year (even though post was written long before then) since I was resenting Jennifer for dragging me through the same routines (movies, food, and all that) that disract me from physics, which is what ultimately ruined this relationship. Looking back though it seems that the more I would be unhappy for my own reasons (such as being stuck on research paper) the more I would resent Jennifer, which was kind of unfair towards her. So this lead me to feel that may be I was onto something with this post, in that I should be able to be happy in order to be with someone? If my research was perfect, then the time with her would have been a reward for a well done job, I won't have been resenting her for it, and then relationship would have been better.
And then when I read this post, the first responder said about "sharing my dreams". And this brings back to mind that being a physicist is my dream, and Jennifer didn't respect it to the extend that I wanted her to. Well, she definitely DID respect my choice, but her complaint was that she was not "number 1" since physics was; but to me OF COURSE physics is number 1, that is part of who I am, ever since I made that choice when I was 9 years old! So, was that responder onto something regarding the whole "sharign your dreams" issue, meaning that if I were to be with anotehr girl for whom school is also a top priority she would be understanding? But then this would be convenience, not dream sharing. So from point of view of dream sharing, what would it be, if my dream is physics? Is it working on the same physics project?
18 Oct 2009, 2:42 pm
18 Oct 2009, 3:40 pm
18 Oct 2009, 3:55 pm
18 Oct 2009, 4:03 pm
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