Feelings of isolation despite being around people, lonely

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GoldCoinLover
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22 Dec 2011, 11:34 am

despite being around people I feel isolated constantly.I really hate this feeling.I have body dysmorphic disorder, aspergers, depression.I feel like I need love like in a yet being attractive women is very distressing.ive never been in a relationship.it feels uncomfortable.never had a women ever interested in me.never had a romantic kiss or gone further.I reasoned since I was so fat that was the problem..so I lost all my weight,101 pounds..I felt like if I just had muscles and was thin I would be loved by someone.despite some excess skin, I did achieve my goal of getting abs and being lean and fit.it just created more problems.I never feel my efforts are good enough.



DuneyBlues
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22 Dec 2011, 11:56 am

There's always the IRC chat you know..


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Dunnyveg
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22 Dec 2011, 12:23 pm

I can say when I was younger, I felt the same way you do. What I can say about my experiences might apply to you.

What I had to realize is that humans aren't just a social species, like dogs and bees, but a hypersocial species. Only humans form non-sexual bonds outside of those to whom they are related.

What I'm getting at is that our societies are almost totally built around people. As a librarian, I assure you that People magazine circulates infinitely better than the Journal of Statistical Abstracts. As such, we aspies are under enormous pressure to conform to a world we're not comfortable in.

I must admit I do get lonely too, but not that often anymore. For me, it was a matter of realizing I'm different and that I have to live with myself the way I am. It's simply not possible for me to live a normal life, and I've fully accepted that. For example, I will be spending Christmas alone, and wouldn't have it any other way.

This isn't to say I'm totally isolated from other people; I'm not. I think Aristotle was right when he said hermits either sleep with the gods or the pigs. But now I'm careful and choosy about whom I interact with socially. I have to be for my own sake.

As far as a woman goes, be careful or you just might get what you ask for. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with women; I'm saying that there is nothing worse than being in a bad relationship. Since normal humans are hypersocial, you'll find a woman when you're emotionally capable of handling such a relationship. Keep on working on yourself.



LongJohnSilver
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22 Dec 2011, 1:01 pm

I share your frustration completely, since I have exactly the same issues with isolation and relationships with women. I find it very difficult to meet people if I don't know them, unless I know we share something in common, in which case I can use our common interest as an ice breaker. Otherwise, I tend to stay away from people. It is a self-inflicted isolation caused by my lack of social skills caused by my Asperger's Syndrome.

I have been in only one serious romantic relationship with a woman, and we even talked about marriage for a short time. But she was very immature, and it turned out she was desperate for a relationship with any man, supposedly to have a husband but really to have the affectionate father she never had as a child. But I knew that kind of relationship wouldn't be good for either one of us, so I had to call off the relationship. Besides, I was incapable of that kind of physical affection due to my asexual orientation caused by ... yes, you guessed it ... my Asperger's.

I have found that online relationships work well for me, because I don't actually have to share the same ZIP Code with the persons with whom I have those relationships, let alone the same physical space. In other words, I don't have to get close to anyone in this way. There is a certain amount of emptiness in these relationships, but at least I can talk to people without being completely embarrassed by my lack of social skills. Since long-distance relationships are about all I have left, I have had to learn to live with the situation, and accept myself for who and what I am.

Since I have a love of board games, I have joined several gaming groups here in my city, and I get together with them on a more-or-less regular basis. The relationships I have with these people aren't much, but they're something at least, and I don't feel so isolated as a result. You may want to try to look for groups near you who share one of your interests, and join them for their regular meetings. This should take care of your isolation issues, and it may help with your relationships with women if you can find a group that contains women.

Don't think you will interest a woman romantically, though. I have found that most women aren't interested in a man who cannot express himself to at least a limited extent, and you know as well as I do that expressing oneself isn't exactly a strong trait of an Aspie. This is something you will have to learn to accept about yourself, as painful as that may be. Being a part of a social group will help, anyway. - LJS


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Joe90
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22 Dec 2011, 2:07 pm

I don't feel like this constantly - it depends more on the environment. I feel very alone when I'm at a social event where I don't want to be, like a nightclub or a wedding with lots of people who I don't know. I think I feel less lonely staying at home than I do in the social environment, because I can go on Facebook and chat to people whom I feel comfortable with, or I can put the TV on for comfort and I can act how I want without any strangers judging me.


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GoldCoinLover
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22 Dec 2011, 2:47 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I don't feel like this constantly - it depends more on the environment. I feel very alone when I'm at a social event where I don't want to be, like a nightclub or a wedding with lots of people who I don't know. I think I feel less lonely staying at home than I do in the social environment, because I can go on Facebook and chat to people whom I feel comfortable with, or I can put the TV on for comfort and I can act how I want without any strangers judging me.


i agree with you there. It does seem to intensify itself (the isolation feeling) around people I dont know.

My main passion or obsession is magic tricks. I went to a party one time. Lots of people drinking, having a fun item , according to themselves at least. I didn't see it as fun. I had extreme anxiety and felt like it was a horrible nightmare. I had a real hard time getting the nerve to approach women , let alone dance with anyone.

But, I did my magic. And for some reason, that helped me "break the ice" and socialize. Some people tell me when I do magic a different "me" comes out, the real me, and I think I seem to act "normal" socially when I perform. Something changes and I go into auto pilot and am more social, interactive, and enjoy myself more.

That day I got $25 in tips in 1 and a half hours, despite refusing the tips mutible times. One was a $20 bill from a lady.

As a kid I was obessed with magic. I would practice my sponge ball sleight of hand, everyday, in front of the mirror, for hours a day. As a teenager, especially during my early twenties, 19-20, I would practice at least 3 hours, often 6 hours a day, oin my new found love - coin magic. I would do this everyday for over a year and a half. I would sit in front of the TV and practice while watching TV.

Sometimes (which seems often) I feel I need to be by myself. I tell my room mate to leave me alone; I don't want to talk. I just want to practice. So I turn on some beautiful music, and practice to it for 2 hours a day now. I've been doing magic tricks for 10 years, but only very seriously (and practicing very hard) the last 2 years.

I generally don't tend to practice new tricks. I try to perfect the old ones. I have practiced the 3 tricks or 4 tricks I know, and moves for those tricks, for over 2 years. Only 3 tricks, but I try to perfect them. one of the tricks I've practiced over a year and it is not ready for presentation yet; but it is getting close. When it is ready, it will be good.

Recently I've been very happy. Sometimes when I'm alone by myself listening to the music, something hits me, and I create a new idea for a trick or new sleight of hand method. It's like a light bulb moment for me. yesterday I had one of those moments. only this time, I think it has real promise. I feel I may be (eventually with some tweaks) able to , in time, publish it for the magic community. I don't feel this way about very many of my tricks at all. This is the first time, it looks good on video and in the mirror, I've gotetn audience feedback and I feel great with it.

The problem is I never seem to really enjoy it being good enough. I am always pushing for better, and better. For some reason, I have a hard time patting myself on the back for what I've accomplished, how far I've come, or telling myself I've done a good job. My friend who is a professional and does it for a living and has produced a famous (within the magic communnity) DVD on coin magic, tells me I do it as well as him. But, I still can't accept that. It's still not good enough in my own eyes. It's like I can't see it or enjoy the practice I've put in. In this one trick, in 1 and 3/4 years, I've put in about 1,500-1,750 hours of practice in. Maybe 2,000 hours. But I need 10,000 hours to achieve the best mastery.

Thanks for listening to me rambling. Its boring i Know :P



SylviaLynn
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22 Dec 2011, 4:01 pm

You know, it's not necessarily true that the opposite sex won't find you attractive. It just depends on whether you see a potential partner for who they are rather than just looking at the surface. In my younger years I wasn't at all unattractive in looks and could have at least faked enough social skills to date the usual NT type men. You know, the sports and all that types. I was and am absolutely unattracted to that type. Intelligence is attractive. There have been times that I had to gather all my courage and go actually talk to someone, and in a couple cases practically trip the guy because he didn't figure he was attractive enough. Suggestion: pay some attention to grooming and basic manners, then take a chance. The young lady sitting in the corner might just surprise you. Unless of course you insist on brainless but beautiful.


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Dots
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22 Dec 2011, 6:55 pm

I've always struggled with feeling alone despite being surrounded by people.

I wrote a musical in my last year of high school that I called "Alone With Everyone" and it was about just that, feeling alone, like you're the only person in the world who feels like you do. Two lines from one of the songs goes:

Why do we feel alone in the middle of a crowd?
Why does nobody look 'til we scream out loud?

I didn't realize until after, that using "we" instead of "I" was an interesting thing for someone who feels completely alone to do.

I seem to cycle between being all right by myself and having an insatiable need to be with people. But just hanging out with people doesn't seem good enough. I feel like I need people to know me, really know me. That sometimes leads to fast moving friendships that burn out quickly, unfortunately.


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