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draelynn
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27 Dec 2011, 11:09 pm

kfisherx wrote:
draelynn wrote:
Verdandi wrote:
One thing that I don't understand is that when people die, my reactions are not very tangible or visible to me (or possibly to anyone else). I don't recall ever crying over a person's death - my grandparents, my great grandmother, my (foster) sister. But my pets get fully visible emotional reactions.


^^^This. I went through 2 years of self loathing for not reacting 'properly' to my mother's death. I had a deep, all engrossing sense of loss but I never really 'grieved'. My father forced me to go to grief counceling and all I got from it was that I wasn't doing it right. The councellor swore I was stuck in denial. Unfortunately, I was clear and rational and hurting to an extreme I've never felt before but it never showed outwardly. What kind of monster doesn't cry when their mother dies?

Lo and behold... there is a reason...


THIS is exactly why this article is needed and why it is so revolutionary. I am asking these caregivers to allow us OUR way of grieving and to make sure that we know that our way is RIGHT too. I am telling other ASD people that "our grief is not like their grief" and that our way is RIGHT too. I am offering ways to bridge the two cultures. :) This is very exciting work for me because it is exactly what drove me into this whole advocacy thing.

My grief therapist was actually pretty good. He tried to get me to do all the NT stuff but eventually just told me that he was stumped. He told me there is a hole in the documentation here. WE are going to fill that hole and that void with this article and others like it. :)


What I don't understand - and struggle with quite a bit - is when they see these 'holes' in the literature why do their brains shut off? Why are there no critical thinking skills that guide them to find the answers to what they don't understand? I never assume people are 'stupid' - I always assume all people are reasonably intelligent until they prove otherwise. But this - this right here - is why I default to 'people are stupid'.



kfisherx
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28 Dec 2011, 1:33 am

Why would you presume them stupid for not knowing how to treat a person from another planet? They go to school and learn about NTs and they are NTs. Am I stupid because I call them drama queens for crying at funerals? :) No. I just never knew about them as a culture until I started this social skills work. It is hard work and I have a HUGE advantage and that is that there is SO MUCH literature and so many teachers. How is an NT therapist supposed to learn about us? Where is the person trying to work WITH them on these topics? Most of the autistic advocates are involved in equal rights and politics and defying or dismissing the work by the NTs. It isn't so easy for them I think.



draelynn
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28 Dec 2011, 1:51 am

kfisherx wrote:
Why would you presume them stupid for not knowing how to treat a person from another planet? They go to school and learn about NTs and they are NTs. Am I stupid because I call them drama queens for crying at funerals? :) No. I just never knew about them as a culture until I started this social skills work. It is hard work and I have a HUGE advantage and that is that there is SO MUCH literature and so many teachers. How is an NT therapist supposed to learn about us? Where is the person trying to work WITH them on these topics? Most of the autistic advocates are involved in equal rights and politics and defying or dismissing the work by the NTs. It isn't so easy for them I think.


It's when someone acknowledges a lack of understanding - they realize and know there is some major disconnect occuring yet they do not try and figure out why. they stop at the limit of their book knowledge and do not venture further, trying to understand. That is what I do not understand.

I don't think people or professionals are stupid for not understanding - that will always occur in all people. I think it is stupid to accept ignorance as a viable conclusion because the book did not tell you to go out and learn more on your own. You have been exceedingly lucky to have met some exquisitely knowledgeable and intellectually curious professionals. I'm afraid they are a rare breed. So far, half of the professionals I've met are the 'it's not in the book so it doesn't exist' types.



AbqAsP
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28 Dec 2011, 1:58 am

Thanks for the article - my Mum passed away when I was 9, and my Dad last March. I, too didn't grieve like anyone else, and on many occassions have been told I haven't greived for either without being told anything other than to "just let go." :P

I'll let you know that in the last year I've not been able to get good consistent therapy, so I've been teaching myself psychotherapy and CBT. My current therapist helps me with my own therapy, instead of actually doing that with me in session (although, yes teh very act of showing up let's him perform therapy on me lol). I've been able to teach a few therapists a little about AS in the last half of this year, and since grief had been a recent topic, this article will really help me and those that will listen to me. Thanks.

In reference to above, I wonder if the poster meant something more like, they're stupid for recognizing they're treating someone from another planet, and ignoring the fact; treating them the same to everyone else. Not necessarily that they're stupid for not knowing.

I like your other comment, too. "Where is the person trying to work WITH them on these topics?" What I like about having learned about so much therapy and gained information on AS is that I am that person :D Who is better to be the expert on AS, than the person that has AS?


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Sagroth
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28 Dec 2011, 2:31 am

Thank you for the article. I agreed with pretty much everything in it.

As for myself, my grief has been all over the place. When my grandmother died in my early twenties, who I had been most close to all of my life, I grieved in a way that I believe others accepted as socially acceptable. I even spoke at her funeral, and apparently did so well.

But in other cases of grieving...

...yeah, pretty much what you described there.

I have been told by therapists and the neuropsych doc who most recently evaluated me that I'm quite good at introspection for an Aspie. I also have gotten into the habit of trying to talk about my feelings with my wife, more to make her feel better than anything else.

But those sessions of speaking are just as full of confusion as they are of introspection. I have great difficulty understanding the ins and outs of my own emotions. I can sometimes articulate speculation on what I feel and why, but it's just speculation and never seems to actually help me feel any different. I am the antithesis of the Reichean therapy model: direct confrontation with the trauma makes things worse. The more time I spend on other things, the more the pain diminishes over time.


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estrellaSMC
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06 May 2012, 7:47 pm

Thank you for this. It helped me to realize what was going on with me. Someone very close to me moved away last June and I've been (uknowingly) reeling from that for several months.

Does anybody have any recommendations of books? Not ones that have tips on how to help yourself with the grieving process, but apparently there are books out there that help you understand grief better. Has anyone heard of any such books and, if you have, what ones would you recommend?



zoey
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07 May 2012, 11:31 pm

thanx for this. My mom died just over a year ago, and my life has been a mess ever since. I was working in a high stress job that I hated, and caused me regular meltdowns, but I was able to push through, but after my mom died, I made it maybe 2 weeks before a quit. This caused a chain reaction of stressful events. My functionality dropped to the point that I can barely leave the house anymore, can't hold down a job, and my sensory issues are much worse then they ever were before. It's a bit reassuring to know that my decline isn't uncommon for grieving aspies. I'm just worried that if I can't pull myself together soon, I may lose the people who are trying to help me. I'm in the US and don't have insurance, so can't afford to go to a therapist. I have to get better on my own, and SOON.


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