I honestly don't know what's wrong with my head over the last few years. I recently read an article that has lead me to think that I may have some kind of social disability, asperger's potentially being one of them. I must say though, I could be outrageously wrong, and just may be neurotic and anxious about my personality. So here it goes...
Since I was a kid I've found myself to be an especially imaginitive person, but unable to fully relay those imaginitive ideas to others. I was a kid who was able to play by myself for a while, and would often imitate entire stories based on stuff I saw on TV and in movies. I still felt awkward around other kids though, even though everyone accepted me then. I still was extremely self conscious though, and though it wouldn't show to others, I felt it a great deal of the time, unable to connect with others without feeling like they disgusted me (maybe I was just really sensitive), and unable to complete sometimes very simple homework tasks. Back then people used to really like my sense of humor though, being often random and slightly off kilter, it was kind of my trademark personality trait for a while (from when I was younger till high school). Middle school I felt awkward as I switched schools as well, feeling that extreme anxiety and fear to reach out to people, but as it ended I slowly came out of my cocoon. High school was so different somehow, as I transferred to a different program at one point and was the "new kid", fascinating and interesting to everyone, and they all loved my sense of humor. I got my first girlfriend then, which was very taboo for my conservative muslim family. I connected with her on a deep level but got my heart broken. I switched out of the program that I had just transferred to and suffered socially, I tried to maintain my once popular personality from the previous program, but it came off as geeky and explicitly not funny to everyone, or so I thought (maybe this is me being neurotic). I sunk into my own thoughts and became anti-social over the course of the rest of my high school experience (my conservative upbringing didn't help in allowing me to hang out with previously made friends). I felt unable to connect with people on a social level.
Then I went off to college, expecting a great new start in a different state, but falling far away from my previous personality. This is when I think I began to exhibit some asperger's like tendencies, misinterpreting peoples intentions significantly, acting rudely to others (and not aware of it, at all) and sinking into my own thoughts (which were based around defining the world, and categorizing all within it). I wasn't able to make many friends, and people often pointed out my social awkwardness to me. Since then I've gotten another girlfriend, who thinks that I do have some kind of social disability, and we connected on a level where I submit to her dominant personality ( she often speaks while I know not what to say in situations). Since then, I had a few close aquaintances at college who have slowly dropped off, as I've felt little to no desire of hanging out with them, and often experience a desire to be alone and with my own thoughts (though I so often feel lonely in them sometimes), yet I'm able to connect with my girlfriend sometimes on a truly real level. She's also mentioned and I've thought sometimes myself that I have a focus problem and may have ADHD, as it takes me hours and hours to compelte homework (moreso than my peers in the same fields of study). I don't know if this is me just overthinking things, or if its real. Recently I feel myself spending more time alone when apart from my girlfriend, and I feel like my personality is fading sometimes, like I don't have one. Maybe this isn't the right forum for me. Can anybody help?
26 Dec 2011, 8:28 pm
