Question's concerning my mental state

Post Reply New Topic

I honestly don't know what's wrong with my head over the last few years. I recently read an article that has lead me to think that I may have some kind of social disability, asperger's potentially being one of them. I must say though, I could be outrageously wrong, and just may be neurotic and anxious about my personality. So here it goes...
Since I was a kid I've found myself to be an especially imaginitive person, but unable to fully relay those imaginitive ideas to others. I was a kid who was able to play by myself for a while, and would often imitate entire stories based on stuff I saw on TV and in movies. I still felt awkward around other kids though, even though everyone accepted me then. I still was extremely self conscious though, and though it wouldn't show to others, I felt it a great deal of the time, unable to connect with others without feeling like they disgusted me (maybe I was just really sensitive), and unable to complete sometimes very simple homework tasks. Back then people used to really like my sense of humor though, being often random and slightly off kilter, it was kind of my trademark personality trait for a while (from when I was younger till high school). Middle school I felt awkward as I switched schools as well, feeling that extreme anxiety and fear to reach out to people, but as it ended I slowly came out of my cocoon. High school was so different somehow, as I transferred to a different program at one point and was the "new kid", fascinating and interesting to everyone, and they all loved my sense of humor. I got my first girlfriend then, which was very taboo for my conservative muslim family. I connected with her on a deep level but got my heart broken. I switched out of the program that I had just transferred to and suffered socially, I tried to maintain my once popular personality from the previous program, but it came off as geeky and explicitly not funny to everyone, or so I thought (maybe this is me being neurotic). I sunk into my own thoughts and became anti-social over the course of the rest of my high school experience (my conservative upbringing didn't help in allowing me to hang out with previously made friends). I felt unable to connect with people on a social level.
Then I went off to college, expecting a great new start in a different state, but falling far away from my previous personality. This is when I think I began to exhibit some asperger's like tendencies, misinterpreting peoples intentions significantly, acting rudely to others (and not aware of it, at all) and sinking into my own thoughts (which were based around defining the world, and categorizing all within it). I wasn't able to make many friends, and people often pointed out my social awkwardness to me. Since then I've gotten another girlfriend, who thinks that I do have some kind of social disability, and we connected on a level where I submit to her dominant personality ( she often speaks while I know not what to say in situations). Since then, I had a few close aquaintances at college who have slowly dropped off, as I've felt little to no desire of hanging out with them, and often experience a desire to be alone and with my own thoughts (though I so often feel lonely in them sometimes), yet I'm able to connect with my girlfriend sometimes on a truly real level. She's also mentioned and I've thought sometimes myself that I have a focus problem and may have ADHD, as it takes me hours and hours to compelte homework (moreso than my peers in the same fields of study). I don't know if this is me just overthinking things, or if its real. Recently I feel myself spending more time alone when apart from my girlfriend, and I feel like my personality is fading sometimes, like I don't have one. Maybe this isn't the right forum for me. Can anybody help? If this is vague I can clarify

A lot of the things you reference sound a lot like Asperger's syndrome. Would getting a diagnosis help? Are you currently in college? Your school may have an autism/aspergers center and they may help line you up with someone who will evaluate you. You might also check out the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV in the school library (those suckers are expensive: they keep them behind the counter at the bookstore.)

I can't say I know what to say, and definitely won't say you do have AS or not. I would venture to say that many of your experiences you are describing are similar to experiences many others in the AS community describe (the scope of the experiences, not the sequence of events).

When I started going to therapy after finding out about AS, I wanted a diagnoses. I realized for myself that I couldn't really ASK for that - that would come to the therapist over time, naturally. So I introspected and decided what was really bothering me. I actually just wanted confirmation that I am atypical, because the pervading thought at the time was "If I seriously think I have AS 99% certain within myself, and I am typical, something else is wroooong." I just wanted to know which direction to take my own therapy. This might be something you need to do to find out what you feel you need help with.

Another option would be to see if a therapist can help talk through some things, but that is not for everyone. It can be difficult to find a good therapist that is open-minded.

Not expecting this to be helpful, just hoping.

Over in the General Autism Discussion forum there are links to various quizzes. Of course an online quiz isn't a diagnosis by a long shot but it can give you a clue about whether you're on the right track.

@AbqAsp I think going to the school provided therapist would be a good start, but when I wrote this I felt as if I were going through a crisis. Now I feel my personality slowly fading back in again, as if I feel comfortable being myself. I don't know though. Is it even worth going to get a diagnosis? Sometimes I just feel like I'm merely a victim (I should probably stop feeling sorry for myself) of the circumstances in which I'm in (party school culture which I don't easily fit in to, atypical sense of humor). Is it possible that I just need more self confidence and should try harder to get to know people?

@MrJerry I currently attend Umass amherst

Also, just as a general question, how useful is it to know if i have some type of asperger's or autistic orientation? I'm not looking for a quick fix at all, and I'm very against medication, but what kinds of solutions are there for a situation like mine? At times I feel desperately alone socially and unable to connect with people, while for brief periods I feel like I can connect and that somehow I'm fine.

And is there any real connection between these types of diagnoses and lack of focus?

I believe most people with AS would say they have difficulty focusing in some fashion or another, but I don't think there is any type of criteria for that or scope of difficulty focusing that is particular to AS.

To your other post, I'd agree with most therapists when they say "what does a diagnosis matter if the therapy is working?" but only in the essence that the therapy to do, should help. To me, the difference in having a diagnosis would be how I go about my social anxiety. If I am typical, I need some type of desensitization technique or something like this to remove what would be considered social phobia by my therapist. With a diagnosis of AS, it is not considered social phobia, because the threat actually exists, its not perceived, so its only social anxiety. Since I do my own therapy to a large extent, I know with that diagnosis I can concentrate on developing coping mechanisms, instead of brute forcing my way through that which may never correct itself in that way.

Eye contact desensitization seemed to have made my "natural" eye contact worse, but it could have been that therapists' application of it.

And apologies if I offended by overlooking your state with the content of my response.

no problem, thanks a lot!

Welkome to WP

Mick