Troubled Sibling Blaming Aspie Brother

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I have an 11 son with Aspergers, who is actually doing REALLY WELL in all aspects of his social life. Nothing is perfect, but I am very proud of how much he's accomplished. I also have an 8 year old NT son who blames any problems (real or imagined) that he has in his life on his brother. He constantly calls him "The Worst Brother Ever" and tantrums whenever we point out to him that he is over reacting to a situation.

I understand how he has gotten to this point in his life. Living with his brother is not always easy. He can be pushy, bossy, and has a hard time listening to anyone. The 8 year old understands about autism on a certain level, but insists that his brother is capable of controlling himself and does everything just to irritate him. He even goes to school with a boy with lower functioning autism and shows him a ton of patience and understanding. But if his brother breathes wrong, he has a fit.

I have no idea how to help my son understand what's going on. We are all on edge in this house and I don't know how much more I can take. Has anyone else known of a sibling who has reacted so negatively to a sibling on the spectrum? How were you able to help?

Thank you so much for any ideas.

Hi-

Of my brood, only one of the four is NT. He gets very impatient and irritable with his siblings almost on a daily basis. So far our tactic has been to let him vent to us the grown-ups when his siblings aren't around. We totally get why they bug him so much; why we as his parents bug him too.

On the good days we try to make sure that we are telling him how much we appreciate him looking out for his siblings. He really is their biggest champion when needed.

Maybe your son needs more space and time to be himself outside of his spot in the family? He's only 8, but as he gets older, I'm sure cultivating friendships and interests outside of his family life will really help.

Good luck.

Your son is capable of controlling himself; he probably just has a harder time knowing and remembering which actions he should control. At least, that is my experience. He may be less able to control himself than most people, but he probably isn't completely incapable of controlling himself; otherwise, he would be a danger to himself and others. I doubt he is trying to annoy his brother on purpose, though. I do understand the feeling of really wanting to be calm, and it being so hard--and then just letting go.

That being said, I think it is your other son's age that makes it hard for him to understand. My best friend started to get frustrated with me a lot when we were around that age, and even in middle school she had trouble understanding what autism is. Her mom tried to explain it to her, but she didn't understand. We didn't talk to each other for a few years, but we missed each other and when we talked to each other again she was old enough to understand.

I don't know how this can help you, but I do think you need to make sure your son knows that he can't just blame his brother for his problems; there are multiple factors, one of which is him. Many autistic people also have trouble realizing that not all problems can be blamed on others. You should do a normal parenting strategy for that, and I can't help you there--I'm only a partial parent to a four-year-old.

Does your 8 year old son get to do some fun things without his brother around, particularly quality time with either parent, if not maybe it would help. That said I am not a parent, just saying what I'm thinking.

Perhaps you are over-focusing on the neurology.
Siblings fight. Siblings blame things on their other sibling. It's just the way of sibs. Of course make sure the 8 year old gets enough quality time. Otherwise, he sounds fairly standard for 8. He'd probably be blaming his older brother for everything even if older brother was completely NT.

Don't let your AS son boss his brother around nor be pushy. If that starts, let him know so he can stop. If that doesn't work, have him leave his brother alone and separate them. If he has a meltdown, let him, don't give in.

My daughter was like that about her brother when she was that age. I think a whole combination of things were going on in her head that she didn't really want to voice, and that was combined with normal sibling jealously. I don't remember how we handled it but it did eventually ease up.

Part of what they don't want to voice, I think, is that they wish they had an older sibling that their friends looked up to. My daughter thinks her brother is smart and creative, but at school kids were telling her, "your brother is weird." Some kids thought he was super cool because of the games he invented, but she was less likely to hear that than the "he's weird" parts. I had to take the time to point out to her all the people who were saying good things about him, and also to point out that negative people aren't worth paying attention to for all sorts of other reasons. We also helped her develop a few smart-ass lines for the negative kids, like "wonder how weird you'll think he is when he has made millions from one of his inventions," or "say that when you want a job at his company." OK, so maybe he'll never do any of those things, but he is much more likely to than the kids they thought were cool. If those lines don't suit your AS son's gifts, come up with ones that do.

I also pointed out to my daughter the dozens of ways the rest of us (including her) aren't always that easy to live with, and how being patient with everyone's quirks is part of living as a family. My daughter is the WORST traveler, ever, and she couldn't deny my point when I threw that into the conversation.

It is also helped when my son simply became more capable, doing things like cooking for the family, which allowed my daughter to see his direct value to her better, and understand the whole "gifts and burdens" thing better.

That's normal. As in totally normal. I have four NT's. Some of them have scars from their siblings. They hate each other at certain ages, then become best friends later.

My tactic for this was yelling "SEPERATE RIGHT NOW! TO YOUR ROOMS!" or "I SWEAR TO GOD IF YA'LL KEEP FIGHTING...."

Don't get too involved in it, make them come up with solutions for working it out themselves. They have to learn that kind of thing anyway.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Just wanted to add that there is a specific resource for this: Sibshops. Your local autism society can probably help you find one, or there's a "finder" in the link.

http://www.siblingsupport.org/sibshops/find-a-sibshop

I have observed in some families with a special needs child, one kid is the "identified patient" (that was me, when I was a kid) and the others are considered "normal." It's worth noting that sometimes autism in particular runs in families, and sometimes siblings who are less affected could also use some intervention. Obviously, I have no idea if this pertains to this situation.