Attracting the wrong women

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Hey

Women from troubled backgrounds seem to be really attracted to me but they have no real qualities I like besides their figure. On top of that they are loud, rude, have no knowledge of world events, no eclectic taste in music or media and have no desire to better themselves as people most of the time. What is it you think they are seeing in me because I am the total opposite to all of that plus I am really introverted and don't engage in eye contact....cos well, you know. And more importantly why am I not meeting women more suited to me?

Is it the area were you live maybe.

Nothing much to do with the area and mainly to do with one's personality.

Predators know what prey they're after.

Perhaps your Aspieness makes you appear to others as rude, uneducated, unpopular ect; things that may seem relatable to people from "troubled" backgrounds

While that isn't impossible, nick, it's most unlikely.

I get the feeling it's a mix of the above two answers. They all seem to be quite pressurising and not want me to have any free time even after first dates, or they text me on their phone all day cos they don't have any constructive pastimes of their own. This has been after dating 3 girls in recent months and now.

So after looking back at that, I think a more important question now is how do I go about finding the kinds of women that are right for me?

I've had a lot of this trouble in the past.
In my opinion I think it's because of two main factors...

1: Women that grew up in troubled childhoods are sometimes at least initially attracted to guys that seem kind,subdued,nonthreatening etc etc.In other words the complete opposite of the kind of men they were around growing up.

2: As sad as it might sound,some of these kind of women might also seek out men with low self esteem that they feel they can dominate in a relationship.If they have really bad self esteem themselves maybe they love the feel of power that such a romance will give them.Way different from the powerlessness they might have felt in their childhood.


Also I'm thinking maybe guys like us don't meet girls with similar attributes for a very simple reason.Because most women already expect men to make the first move whether they're confident vixens or shy wall flowers.Her being shy makes it it even more difficult,since neither introverted party wants to step outside their social safety boundaries.

Those women sound like they may be the type I would like. Where are you meeting them?

What kind of women do you think would be rite for you

I'd like somebody that leads a quiet life with no connections to nasty folks, dresses a bit more humble, similar interests but some of their own as well. Don't think it's much to ask for

EDIT 1: Yes they probably think we can offer them "a way out" or are a relief from the stresses of their every day life. Others may want that control element. It could be both. Who knows.

EDIT 2: No, Nick, you don't want these unless you're a perfect match. There are countless good women out there, and the ones I mentioned don't fall into that bracet.

Or maybe some of them are just after someone who might be understanding of their situation, that is also a possibility.

That's who you're meeting, because that's who's out there. Seriously, you just described 99% of the world's population.

And you're asking to be used and abused by them. You will never remain long in a relationship with any of them anyway as they're unstable emotionally and quite capable of detaching themselves emotionally from any guy they're still in a relationship with and go, without hesitation, for another guy.

Standards. Please have them.

I think those women probably 'come on' to lots of men, but NT men probably see more quickly what they are like and reject their advances. Its not a problem that these women are attracted to you, you just have to practice assertiveness and not date them, I dont date people just because they are attracted to me, I would only date someone I liked. You need to be more selective about whose 'date requests' you accept. Ive spent a fair bit of time in southampton and the people I met there were as mixed as anywhere else and so i see no reason why you couldnt meet someone your more interested in.

why not hang out at the art house? http://www.thearthousesouthampton.co.uk/ the women I know who volunteer there are very interesting and nice.

I don't know you have an attractive face but seem quite judgmental.
you can't reject everyone just because they have a troubled background and try to make people "better themselves"
everyone has a past :/ I don't know maybe you just put it in the wrong sort of way but If you sleep with someone you don't respect then you don't respect yourself.

There are likely other types of women interested in you but you are choosing to date the kinds of women you mention .It doesn't take a lot of perception to see generally speaking what kind of personality a woman has very early on [the first conversation ] in the interaction.It takes more work to engage an introverted woman but the rewards might be worth the effort for you.

I think they might be Borderline PD women rather than just 'women with a troubled past', I think thats why he is having a problem as often they come on quite strong and seem 'very taken' with one, but then be quite difficult. Always be wary of people who are 'too keen' a lesson I learned after many friendships with BPD folk.

Thanks all for your comments. Some very interesting points.

Thanks for the compliment Naomi! Though I think in turn you have been quite judgemental towards me. I am giving the girls a chance to show something I might be interested in besides their looks, I'm hardly throwing them in the dumpster from the get go because of their personality. I am not the kind of person to judge and keep first impressions unless a person is incredibly violent or bigoted. And also who says I am sleeping with all of them, that is something you have thought about the situation. It is not the case. The ones that want to sleep on the first couple of dates are no gos.

MCalavera you put it less delicately but more truthfully than I could have!

mds_02, maybe that is true but I like to have a glimmer of hope

Raven, thank you so much I will try there. I wanted to do volunteering again in something as I have nothing other than family, some friends and computers to fill my spare time (which I've had plenty of for the last 2 months!). Maybe from what you said about NT guys I am just being naive and need to be more cautious with the dating scene.

Sweetleaf, I think just because I am understanding of their situation they shouldn't confuse it with feelings beyond wanting to casually date or...THAT, if it comes to it but it's not the fault of those women some just haven't had any non abusive people in their lives and take kindness as love. It's just they aren't my type.

bruinsy33, I'll try and look harder and build up courage to engage women that are less likely to make the first move it seems to be one source of the problem.

ivy, I used to think that but then maybe it's just in our fate regardless of where we live as Aspies. I lived in Belfast for some time and it wasn't much different even in the posher bits for me.

gtw, again interesting theories.

Anyways thanks again will take all this in and see what happens this year. Anyone in the same boat, good luck to you too!