I wished I wasn't gay

Post Reply New Topic

I'm Asian. I'm now living in a gay-friendly country, but I'm going back to my home country soon, where homosexuality is forbidden. I just found this website and I hope it's the right place to speak out my mind and get some good advices. My story is going to be long... sorry.

Coming from a family and society which are pretty much against gayism, I've been acting straight for the past 36 years in front of my family and friends. At this age and never having a girlfriend or a relationship, sometimes some friends do begin to question my sexual orientation and tease me. I'm not bad looking to them, and yet I've never dated a girl, they always wonder... why! But at the same time, some still believe I'm straight and try to hook me up with their single female friends. I feel tired of that sometimes, to entertain them with excuses for being single and all the explaining job. At the same time I'm afraid that I'll be disowned and looked down on if I tell them the truth. I love them and don't want to lose them. So I'll rather keep it as a secret for the rest of my life and keep telling people that I choose to live as a single man as that's the way of life I prefer.

I only started to be more accepting of my sexual orientation I think... 2 months ago. I've been making some gay friends online (as an anonymous person without a photo), and found a few good ones. I'd never come out to anyone, until 2 weeks ago when I took the "guts" to reveal my picture to them, and met one in person. They're pleased with that. It was extremely tensing on my first gay friend meet-up. As I'd never talked about my gayish stories and thoughts in front of another person, I felt so uneasy and uncomfortable. But it's a good learning process though. I'm doing it slowly, taking it one step at a time...

I 'd always thought I might be bi-sexual, because sometimes I felt I had crushes on girls. One of the online gay friends told me if I'm not sexually aroused by naked girls, then I'm gay. So now I realised... I'm gay, because I only feel sexually aroused by guys. I love girls, but maybe not romantically (and sexually).

I was introduced to some gay dating sites by these online gay friends to look for my potential partner. The more I browsed through the profiles on these sites, the more I felt demotivated and scared. It seems those gay members are more looking for hook-ups and casual sex. It's so hard to find decent gay guys. I just want a partner to spend time with, enjoy leisure together and care for each other, and not think about sexual pleasure all the time. But to me, most gay people appear to be like sex-addicts or flirting maniacs. The first thing that comes to their mind when meeting another gay will tend be to making out and having sex. And on the net, all about erotic messages. I'm not into sodomy, to be honest. I don't know why... I just feel it's not right and will never want to try it. To me, anus is meant for defecation, not penetration. I believe love and affection can still be fun in many other ways. But with this sexual abstinence, I'm afraid I won't be able to find a partner forever, or even if I find one, he'll end up cheating or leaving me for another guy for sex, I believe...

I have a special preference for romance. I find Caucasian/European guys very attractive, because of their facial features and different culture than mine. I always think that if I ever come out "thoroughly" in the future, I want to come out to "the best"... someone I truly love and feel attracted to 100%. An online gay friend said I was being too much of a perfectionist. But I just don't want to simply find a partner just for the sake of having one, and I'd rather stay single than find a wrong person. Coming out is not easy to me. There are many sacrifices to make and risks to take, and if I do come out, I feel I want to make it "worth". Otherwise there's no point losing so many important things in my life (family, friendships, respect, pride etc.) in exchange for a miserable, unhappy gay life. And, how many caucasian guys out there like to have an Asian boyfriend while there are so many better, taller and sexier guys of their same ethnicity?

Sometimes I do wonder if it's realistic to have such a "big dream". I don't quite believe in distance relationship and maintaining the bonding just through online chatting or emailing or phone calls between 2 continents. I do feel a sense of regret and disgrace now, to have come out to some gay people, and I wished I could turn back the time and go back to my closeted world, because I feel pessimistic about establishing a "healthy" homosexual relationship with a decent gay guy with good personalities, who seems so rare out there. Maybe there are ways to find them, and it's just that I'm not lucky enough to meet one. I'm so tired of seeing and hearing sex, sex, and only sex in the gay society. Superficial. And, online dating seems so insecure because you won't know if that person is completely honest about himself, without knowing him in person.

I came to write about all these because I thought I had found a seemingly decent, perfect guy on one of the sites, but I ended up getting his message just now asking me if I could give him the best sex, if he could "F me all night long"... Another turn off. Very disappointing. I feel hopeless... I wished I wasn't gay.

For all the "problems" being gay has supposedly placed in my life, I would never give it up. Being gay is one of the least of my worries.

I disagree with whatever idiot told you that. I'm not sexually aroused by naked males or naked females (the males in particular are DISGUSTING!) but I love having sex with anyone because it feels good. Penises are hideous, but they feel good when they're inside my vagina. Do you see? Maybe you just aren't a visual person when it comes to attractiveness.

Also, there's the issue of whether or not you need to be sexually attracted to someone to want to date it or love it. I don't, but apparently most people do.

I wish you wouldn't call anal sex "sodomy," though, because that's not what it is. I'm not a Christian, and I know very little about the Bible, but I do know this part because it's an important issue for me--in the Bible story about Sodom and G-whatever, the people weren't being condemned by Yahweh for having anal sex--they were being condemned for raping everyone, male or female. Sodomy should mean rape, not anal sex.

Also, why are you going back to your home country if being gay is forbidden? That place sounds automatically horrible! What if they persecute you? That sounds dangerous to me, but I can't stop you from going there.

Yes it is. Nothing personal, but a trip to the dictionary would have spared you some embarassment.



Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because the townspeople wanted to 'sodomize' angels, thrown on top of their overall wickedness.

As for your 'definitions', you can want them to be whatever you want them to be, but again, the dictionary says otherwise. Consensual or otherwise, sodomy is what it is.



As for this, I CAN agree with THAT. Why return to a land where you may be at least persecuted, if not imprisoned, for your beliefs? (Like that's going to make anyone change them...)

As someone once said, "I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

Have A Straight Day!

Rob

I think this thread calls for some advice from visagrunt...

Also, it sounds like you have some issues with internalized homophobia. That's understandable with the environment you grew up in. But if you're ever going to be happy then you'll need to try to sort it out. I'm not sure how one goes about doing that exactly. I have absolutely no experience there, lucky for me. Maybe try counselling? Although I understand that that would be difficult, and I do tend to be quite cynical about the usefulness of counselours.

There is a subset of white guys who like Asian guys. Unfortunatelly, I think that they tend to focus more on the younger looking Asian guys, not the middle aged ones. And most of these people are probably the type just looking for meaningless sex. But I know there is at least one person who likes Asian guys, would be looking for long-tern relationship material, and for whom sex isn't all that important. That would be me. Hopefully you can find someone who's like that who is your age.

Also, I thought I'd just leave you this:

Hopefully this is alright here. It feels like that quote is more suited for the adult forum.

similar..

https://www.zhihu.com/question/35155141/answer/61549959