Joe90 wrote:
It's a curse....
...because my special interests are based around certain people and all I want to do is be like them but know that will never happen
...because I appear odd in some sort of way to most people, and because I know that now, I've become even more shy and socially phobic
...because I am frightened of getting a job because I can't cope with change, pressure and people
...because I lack self-esteem, and hate myself because I know I'm odd and also a nuisence
...because all my cousins are NTs and are out partying at the week-ends and I'm the only one who don't because of my lack of social skills, but at the same time I do want to be out
...because I can't deal with things the ''right'' way
...because I can't get along with NTs in my peers while everyone else around me can
...because I get too involved with men then end up getting either myself or them into trouble and then making a nuisence of myself
...because I express my emotions too vividly
...because I have unpredictable outbursts that build up every 4 or 5 months, involving swearing, screaming, hitting myself, insulting myself, and threatening to commit suicide and frightening my family
...because I am too self-aware for my own good and is causes great anxiety and social phobia and depression
...because I get so distracted to every noise when I'm in my room
...because my nerves are so bad that I have to avoid things that are likely to make a loud noise, eg dogs, toddlers, sirens, my brother
...because I make other people tread on eggshells around me all the time, being careful not to break any of my ''rules'' that are centered around my sensory issues
...because I can't do anything with my life without being a target for bullies
...because I can't go out anywhere without giving off ''hi I'm a mug'' vibes
...because I can't have many social skills that come natural to me
...because I come across as mentally unstable to other people
...because I make a fool of myself on facebook
...because I don't know anything
...because I do funny movements like point at someone and laugh when they're talking to me, which freaks them out
...because I always manage to say something weird or irrelevant
...because I can't go out without people staring at me, even though I know I look normal and wear things that make me blend in and do things that don't make me stand out
...because I spent most of my childhood whining and screaming and bawling when other children came to my house, instead of just enjoying my only childhood I would ever get
...because I am my own worst enemy
It's a gift because:
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.........................
Even if there were any good points, all of that above would overtake the good points and make any good points become invisible.
Like you, I'm in the minority among high-functioning autistics these days who are unconvinced that autism brings 'gifts' with it.
But you are beating yourself up over things you aren't proficient in, when you probably have so much else going for you. You mentioned a talent for the piano before.
There is no shame in wanting to be 'normal', and I can imagine how it hurts when you can't go to clubs, bars and such, like your cousins, because of all the sensory overload. But what if you find a compromise instead? Something that incorporates some of the elements present in those full-blown social events like clubbing, drinking, and dancing, but isn't as taxing? It's like going to a restaurant with all your friends, and everyone is enjoying shrimp, while you are allergic. Plenty of people who aren't autistic avoid clubs and bars, although the reasons here are not comparable.
Though judging from the list, I never experienced sensory overload as intensely as you do, there still is sensory overload, and awkwardness in social situations. But I've made progress since moving from the village I grew up in, to the crowded city. I'm not a social butterfly by any stretch of the imagination, but I get by. Even if it is as "that weird, quiet guy who prefers to sit by himself". I view autism as a disorder, but I love myself, not in spite or because of it, but simply "with" it. It's one of the cards I've been dealt, so now that I'm mature, I want to be the one who decides how to play with it.
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clarity of thought before rashness of action
27 Feb 2012, 4:32 pm
