First day of public school

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My son had his first day at a public school yesterday. He had been at a small, private Montessori school from 22 months to a few weeks into 4th grade. They were not equipped to handle a child on the autism spectrum, and as long as he was able to function well, he was able to stay there. But, 4th grade was a lot more stressful and brought out MANY more meltdowns. It was decided that it was no longer a good environment for him. So, I homeschooled for 3 months to decide what to do next. I got exhausted trying to be mom, teacher, therapist, chauffeur to other therapies, etc. So, we are trying the public school.
The problem is that they will not consider any placement other than in a regular classroom with no aide until he shows them that it is not a good placement. I drop him off at school every day praying that he does not throw something and hurt another child. Yesterday went well, but they had the OT work as a 1:1 with him to help him adjust the first day. Today, he is on his own.
He went from a school that had 70 kids K-8 to one with over 1000 K-8. He has never even had to ask permission to go to the bathroom since the old school had bathrooms attached to the classrooms. I just don't know how the next few weeks are going to go.
I am really afraid for his safety and for the safety of the kids in the class with him. He was suspended 5 times from his old school for being dangerous (throwing rocks, books, chairs, tables, etc) during meltdowns. But, the new school just thinks he needs the structure of their school.

I just don't know what to do. I am scared every time the phone rings. But, part of me hopes that they will call and say "okay - we were wrong - this isn't a good placement for him."

A public school's idea of inclusive classrooms is a great theory but it doesn't always work well in practice.
Does he have an official dx the school knows about? Does he have an IEP or SEP?
I had a similar experience with my daughter this year; she was dx over the summer (just before she turned 12) and the school decided to have her take part in all the activities without modifications and with very few accomodations until they could get a sense of what she was capable of. In her case, her cognitive deficits are pretty substantial in some areas, so she failed a lot of tests. Fortunately, she decided she wanted to do all the work the other kids did, and/but I was able to convince her that the school rule was no more than an hour of homework. She doesn't seem to mind. She's pretty much able to tell me or show me when things aren't going well. What about your son? Is he expressing distress at the change? I think keeping the home front nice and quiet and supportive for the next few weeks might be a good start.
J.

He has an official diagnosis. We did a service plan (a watered-down IEP for homeschoolers) a few months ago, so he started working with the speech therapist and OT then. We did have an IEP meeting right after school yesterday.
I think by the end of the IEP meeting, the teacher was a little bit "what on earth am I supposed to do with this child?"
The principal asked me point blank for suggestions on dealing with him when he is in total meltdown and throwing things or destroying things. I told him the best suggestion would be to remove the other kids so they don't get hurt. He told me "that isn't an option, we can't disrupt the rest of the class like that." I told him that by that point, my son's ability to speak is completely gone, and he doesn't seem to be able to hear either when he is in full meltdown, so you can't redirect verbally. You MIGHT be able to write messages to him, but that is pretty iffy when he gets to that point.
They seem to think they can just give him a pass to give to the teacher when he is getting too stressed and she will call the speech therapist to come get him for a bit. The problem is that you have less than 30 seconds to try to head off a meltdown and my son usually doesn't know it is starting until it is too late for him to do anything for himself.
At least we have taught him to try to flee rather than fight when he gets in that mode, so he will try to find a desk or something similar to hide under. I warned the teacher to tell the other kids to leave him alone if he tries to get away like that. The best thing to do at that point is to leave him alone and not escalate things.
But, his old school had known him for 7 years, and knew all these things, and did all of this, and STILL couldn't handle him.

He is just such a great kid when he isn't stressed. I just feel SO bad for him.

Based on my own (limited) experience and what I have read her,e many schools need to see tangible proof, before they will spring for things. We got an aide for our child (who really needs one) after about a 1/4 of the school year went by, and the teacher couldn't handle it. He is still having some behavioral issues, but it is so much better. He went a whole week (a big deal for us, this year) with no demerits. I am sure he is still being evaluated behaviorally on a curve, but still...

If you have anything from the other school (I know it is private school) record-wise that would help, you might want to try using that (be careful to make sure that it says things that will be helpful before you do this) If you have any professional recommendations, that would help.

Other than that, you will have to be in constant contact with the teacher and try to find out from your child what is going on. If things don't work well, I suggest using that as an argument for an aide. If you know of anything that the other school did that had any success, that you think will translate to a larger class size, you can suggest those things. If they balk that it is not practical in their environment just go back to asking for an aide.

I probably should have pushed harder. I was thrown under the bus by his ECC at last year's ARD with the old school making it sound like he had no behavioral issues. I was put in a very bad strategic position, which I handled poorly. So I let this year's teacher do the work for me of asking fore an aide, because I did not think my opinion was being valued.

I just kept simultaneously (constantly) calling the diagnostician complaining about the stress that he was under with all the demerits. But the teacher's opinion, I am sure carried more weight. That is how I got the aide. So you may have to put a bug in the teachers ear about it, if things are not going well.

Start talking to the teacher every day after school, if possible, and write down what she says in a journal in pen. It may be helpful to you later if you have to fight for help for your son.

I also suggest you read From Emotions to Advocacy to learn more about how to navigate the IEP process.

Day 2 is over. I was not able to get him to do any homework (a spelling list) from yesterday. Even mentioning it caused a major meltdown. Today, he did not do any of his math work in class, so it came home as homework, along with today's usual spelling homework. So, now 3 assignments. I tried sitting down with him to work on it with him. He started hitting his head on things, scratching his arms (I have to stop him before he draws blood), and then proceeded to go and trash his bedroom before huddling under a blanket and wimpering. I know he needs to learn the information. And, it is not an unreasonable amount of work. But, I don't know how to get him to do the work without hurting himself or destroying everything around him. I did get through 14 spelling words with him before he had a meltdown. But, those were oral or on a white board and not on the official worksheet.

He never had homework at the private Montessori school (well - one assignment a week - a reading log) - so this is a totally new stress for him.

He tells me he had 3 meltdowns at school today. One small one, one medium, and one larger one. For one, he ended up hiding under his jacket and missed getting to go to art with his class because he was still in a meltdown when they left. I don't know what the teacher normally does when the class goes to art, but I guess today she got to stay in the classroom to keep an eye on my son.

I just don't know what to do. I did make an appointment to meet with an advocate next Tuesday to see what she thinks.

I don't have any answers for you, but just wanted to empathisze.

I have been in your spot, and it wasn't a happy place. I have big knots in my stomach as I read your posts. My DS was in 4th grade when the meltdowns got too big. School was not helpful, and for us the results weren't good. Not to freak you out, because some schools really are good for our kids, I just didn't have three of those schools.

That said.... No Homework yet unless you are trying to force your child to show how the stress is impacting him.

Right now, I think it's enough stress to stay there all day. I fell he should get to come home and celebrate that he did it! After those successes are regular, then I would add stressors, in tiny increments.

good luck - I'm rooting for you!

Thanks Kailuamom! I need the support right now. It is SO hard to see him struggle so much.

I decided to write a letter to the principal with copies to his teacher and the special ed leader for the school. In it I am officially stating in writing that I am afraid for the safety of the other kids in the class. I also reminded them that he has been asked to leave summer camp and private school because he was considered a danger to other children. I will sleep on it and then re-read the letter in the morning. I don't want to threaten them, but I don't want them to spend months forcing him into a bad situation just so they can prove that the regular classroom is not appropriate.

You said there was an IEP meeting prior to starting. How about requesting a follow up meeting to take place after 4 weeks of school?

The letter is a good idea. I would include a table showing warning signs and stages of his meltdowns, and suggestions of what helps at each stage at home or his previous school.

I would make sure to really stress to the principal and his teachers that he could really hurt the other kids if he has a bad meltdown there. Make sure you put it in writing and keep a copy of it as well to protect yourself if that does happen, or to use against them if they accidentally hurt him during a meltdown because they were afraid he would hurt another child.

Also, in that paper put the things that they need to do during a meltdown to prevent anyone from getting hurt and also to help your son deal with the meltdown.

I don't understand why they won't give him an aide, (if I'm reading this correctly). You need to be very adamant about the fact that your child has had serious meltdowns at school which could pose a danger to other children, as well as to himself. Ask them if they want to be responsible for that if it happens, after being fully informed of the fact.

As for homework, maybe if you could sit down with the teacher and tell her the problem you are having with it right now. Maybe give him smaller assignments in the beginning so he can get them done. Get her to really stress the importance of homework in class, and maybe he will bring that home with him and be more open to doing it.

Good luck, and I'd really be pushing this information at them if I were you. I know that if one of my children were hurt in class by a child with a meltdown and the school knew it was a possibility and they didn't do everything in their power to protect my child, we would be in court so fast their heads would spin. Mention that possibility to the school too, and maybe that will light a fire under them.

Just to add to the other suggestions, I have made a deal with my child and the school: no more than 1 hour and 10 minutes of homework a night. She's in Grade 7, so 7 X 10 minutes per night. Sometimes my daughter has less to do, because she likes to do homework marathons on weekends, but I tell her at the beginning what time we will finish and move on to down time. Although I can't get her to leave the math that is too hard until the end or drop it, we can stop when the time is up. I had suggested doing this in a long list of recommendations for the IEP, the Methods & Resource Teacher responded by saying she shouldn't have any homework, but both my daughter and the teachers nixed that. A couple of times I have written a note or an email to the teacher to explain why something wasn't done.
I wish I had never pushed it: we spent way too much time in the past fighting with the math book. Things are much more manageable for both of us when there is a time limit.
J.

I think all of the homework ideas are great, once your child is able to get through the day without a meltdown for a few days in a row.

I think this degree of turmoil is way too much to have HW too.

I did write the letter. I made it clear that I wanted it in writing that I was concerned about my son's safety and the safety of the other children in the class. I also told them that I had a meeting with an advocate to help determine the appropriate placement for my son. I sent the letter to the teacher, principal, the IEP team leader, and the Special Ed coordinator for the local schools. About 3 1/2 hours later I got a reply from the principal that they had decided that it would be "prudent" to give my son a 1:1 aide for at least the next 2 weeks. Also, rather than planning a new IEP meeting in 30 days, we will have one at the end of the 2 weeks with the aide.

The most frustrating thing is that they have told me that there are self-contained classes especially for kids with AS/HFA. Not at the local school, but within the district. But, they won't even consider them or give me more information until my son totally fails in the regular classroom. The local school has a resource room, a part-time OT, and a speech therapist, but that seems to be about it. They don't seem to do much of any sensory therapy. My son would be SO helped by getting to do some sensory work throughout the day. A swing, body sock, weighted blanket, therabands, etc would all go a long way to helping him.

It is going to be a long, rough process to get him what he needs. But, I feel really good about today's progress. I have let them know that they can't just push me around.

One more day this week. He is mine on Fridays for outside therapies. And, no school on Monday. So...we can do this....

I just keep letting him know that I love him no matter what.

Did they say what they mean by "fails." I would ask for a measurable definition. For example, my son was passing all subjects with A's, but he was definitely failing at social interactions, failing at holding it together, becoming depressed, becoming highly anxious, having daily meltdowns, becoming aggressive. Doing a BIP measured his behaviors and he was off task 80% of the day and crying 60% of the day. They could not ignore that data no matter how good his grades were.

It took a year (the entire 4th grade) to get my DS into special education, and another 6 weeks (the first 6 weeks of 5th grade) for them to admit what they were doing was not working. Our children should not have to suffer so long for someone to do what is right for them. I am so sorry you are having to go through this too.

yeah having been in that place a few times homework will not be happing for awhile even when i enjoy it the first maybe 2 weeks at any new place be it new school or tafe or uni or even just having come back to the same one after the break is crushing i go for needed about 7 hours sleep a night to about 14 at the least and that has not really changed form when i was a kid and its regardless of if im happy there or not