Need help in interpreting HFA boyfriend

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Ajee
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15 Jan 2012, 10:52 pm

I need some help in understanding my HFA boyfriend. We had a two year relationship and than we broke up. Afterwards, we talked once in a months and I tried to convince him that things will improve once we understand differences in our communication styles. Than he started calling regularly, we had nice chats and than we met. He was very happy, he said he loves me and he missed me. I thought things are back on track. We met the following weekend and he broke up with me saying it was a mistake. This leaves me very confused and sad. I don't know what was he trying to do. He is a very nice guy and certainly not someone who will play games.



Aitrean
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15 Jan 2012, 11:19 pm

I've never had this situation, but I've seen it a bajillion times. I'm so sorry for your loss :( However, there is nothing you can do to mend it. When you've broken up... twice, it cannot be mended. In all the cheesy romance movies they portray it as one partner realizing they made a huge mistake, they get back together, and everybody lives happily. In reality though, you need to analyze, is this the person I want to be with for the rest of my life? To you he might have been. But to him, you weren't the one, and the feeling has to be mutual. I feel bad for you two, but you both need to move on, he was not the guy for you. The one who is truly for you will be found at some point and you'll stay together that time.



MountainLaurel
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16 Jan 2012, 12:15 am

Quote:
We met the following weekend and he broke up with me saying it was a mistake. This leaves me very confused and sad. I don't know what was he trying to do. He is a very nice guy and certainly not someone who will play games.


It's most likely not a game. Men process emotions much slower than women and autistics process interactions slower than neurotypicals. It probably simply took him that extra week to realize that he really does not want to revive the relationship. He was clear with you the last time you saw him. I don't see any wiggle room for interpretation.

I don't know anyone over 30 who has not had the experience of having someone they love tell them; I love you, then break up with them. It's a bad heartbreak. And it happens all the time; and there's never any good explanation. I think your experience with this guy falls into this category and not some special autistic thing that the girlfriend can undo by being educated.



Ajee
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16 Jan 2012, 12:26 am

In so called neurotypical world, to pursue someone and than to dump them without any reason would be considered very mean and dishonest.
I thought autistic people are truthful, so I thought may be there is something I am missing.

MountainLaurel wrote:
Quote:
We met the following weekend and he broke up with me saying it was a mistake. This leaves me very confused and sad. I don't know what was he trying to do. He is a very nice guy and certainly not someone who will play games.


It's most likely not a game. Men process emotions much slower than women and autistics process interactions slower than neurotypicals. It probably simply took him that extra week to realize that he really does not want to revive the relationship. He was clear with you the last time you saw him. I don't see any wiggle room for interpretation.

I don't know anyone over 30 who has not had the experience of having someone they love tell them; I love you, then break up with them. It's a bad heartbreak. And it happens all the time; and there's never any good explanation. I think your experience with this guy falls into this category and not some special autistic thing that the girlfriend can undo by being educated.



MountainLaurel
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16 Jan 2012, 12:53 am

Quote:
In so called neurotypical world, to pursue someone and than to dump them without any reason would be considered very mean and dishonest.


Yep, but it happens all the time and I will tell you that the men who have done this to me are actually decent individuals. It's a phenomenon with no real sense, though it's as common as dirt.
Quote:
I thought autistic people are truthful, so I thought may be there is something I am missing.

Yes, I often hear and read this about autistics being truthful. In my experience that's simply not true. A couple of HFA guys I know; lies are the 1st things out of their mouths. Approach them when they don't want to be interrupted or with something they don't want to deal with or admit to; boom; a lie is the response you get. And given how often they don't want to be interrupted and how many things they don't want to deal with or admit to; it adds up to a lot of lying. As far as honesty is concerned I think autistics are like anyone else.

But I think you're stretching the point to say that this guy lied to you. People say; love, a lot and it means various things. It's not uncommon to feel some sort of love for someone and also not want to be in any kind of relationship with them; I've felt that way about a couple guys, myself.



nick007
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16 Jan 2012, 6:04 am

Maybe the guy got overwhelmed with the relationship. That's quite common with ausitics in relationships. They get overwhelmed by the emotions & not having alone time & other relationship stuff that isn't natural to them after a while so they need to break free or become withdrawn after a while & they get overwhelmed again 1ce they're back in the relationship


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Ajee
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17 Jan 2012, 9:54 am

Hi Folks, Thank you all for your advice and inputs.



SoftlyStepping
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17 Jan 2012, 1:08 pm

The man in question is simply inexperienced with romantic relationships. His intentions are good but he will continue to be confusing until he gets his act together. Which, by necessity, means he will be dating other women.

Some people never grow up.