Parental Advice

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I know what you're thinking..."Why are you posting here? You're sixteen! Surely you can't be a parent."

Wrong.

Actually, that's a complete lie. I'm not a parent, but I do have parents who are currently struggling with--you guessed it; me. I have AS, and I'm looking, as all good children should do, [gold star for me!] for advice for them on how to deal with me.

First, a little about myself. I know all cases are different, so I'm not going to give you my personal ad, but rather, some symptoms that I have repeatedly exhibited that may have lead to my diagnosis.

I am a perpetual liar. Not for really big things, but I have an amazing poker face and can make up great things on the spot that are quite plausible. I have, like most Aspies do, circumscribed obsessions and interests that have fascinated and engrossed me over the years. I am extremely opinionated and argue my ass off whenever anything slightly oppositional comes up. My dietary needs, [or lack thereof ] have baffled my parents, because I am a vegetarian, but I don't really eat veggies. Mainly, though, I am just rather unpleasant to be around with when I don't get my way. Sometimes, I feel like seeking revenge on someone who has asked me to do a particular task, [but of course I don't actually do anything...that would be mean] or I just don't do it if it doesn't fall in my range of activities. I'm nice...when things go as planned. But ask me to take the garbage out and everything will go wrong. I don't talk back to teachers, mainly just my parents. But they're getting stressed, and they stay up late at night talking about what to do with me, with my grades, and such. They are also consistenly fighting battles for me, which I have told them not to do, since I won't be under their wings forever, because I get teased and harassed A LOT at school.

On the plus side, [and I'm not very "plus" about myself. ] I'm creative, incredibly smart, and diligent at all the things I like to do.

So, like I've said, I need a little something to tell them to ease the blow, because they're stressed and worried, and I'd like to make things a bit better.

I am an NT mom with a 22 year old AS son, my advise for your parents is to know that you may best learn from your own mistakes, that as much as it hurts to watch you struggle, make the wrong choices and in essence bang your head against the wall that you will eventually find your way. Despite your deep stubborn streak you are intelligent and will eventually get it. On your part I will say that you should know how hard your parents struggle to understand you, they want to understand you because they want to help you, they want to help you because they love you. Try not to be too hard on them. Also ask yourself why you rebel and try at least once a day to do what your asked even though you hate it, they will appreciate the effort more then you can know. Like your parents my husband and I would stay up at night discussing what to do with our son, almost every argument we ever had was on our different ideas on how to deal with him, praise God he grew up and found his passion (computers) and while he is still not as mature as many others his age, we always know where he is a night, he is not given to smoking, drugging, drinking, or chasing skirt and has become very hard working at his job. We still can not get him to pick up a dish on his own but we are gratefull for all that he is and all that I know he will be. I believe the same holds true for you, that you also have a bright and successful future ahead of you and that you will find the right thing for you in due time. God bless and much luck to you and your family. If your parents ever want to talk they can message me through this forum, the same holds true for you. I am here if you need me.

do your parents belong to any parent support groups ? A support group can be a great way of sharing the highs and lows of parenting someone on the spectrum....it can also be a great resource tool for parents~ the ability to talk to others who have shared similiar experiences is quite beneficial.

Print out your post and show it to them.

You want to be on your own one day - so, what would happen if you didn't take out the trash? Where would it go? Would you want to live with 2, 3 weeks worth of trash in the house?

My son's only 10, but I've found a lot of his issues can be understood if he becomes part of the decision. It's my job to help him understand why it's important to do things like taking out the trash. He only does the one in the bathroom, but he's learned if he doesn't do it every week, then it overflows and he actually has to figure out a way to pick up the stuff that fell out (YUCK!!). He doesn't forget so much anymore.

Of course your parents are worried about your grades - you state you want to be on your own. Well, how's that going to happen if you don't learn enough to get a job and pay the rent? YOU should be worried about your grades - the cable television doesn't come free. Minimum wage is, $6 or $6.50/hour - man, that's a lot of hours at a convenience store or fast-food joint or mall store to pay the rent! Might work better for you to get good grades and have a shot at a job that pays a little more.

As far as the harrassment at school - well, there's not much you can do there. Kids are mean -- they do one day grow up and it will get better. Just gotta try and hang in there.

I don't know that all of this is related to Aspieness or just "typical" teenage stuff - sometimes when you have a label all behaviors get attributed to that instead of just being normal behaviors.

I had to laugh though about the vegetarian who doesn't eat vegetables - another "grainarian" perhaps? It actually isn't unheard of because vegetables can be difficult for sensory system - some of them are hard to digest, texture, strong smells.

One thing I noticed though when I was younger was that instead of being defiant it was more like being sufficiently compliant in order to avoid unpleasant interactions - like discussion about you. So, is there some way to logically convince yourself that your behaviors are causing the very things that you don't like. Doing certain tasks or avoiding certain arguments actually have a bigger payoff than you think because you draw attention to yourself when you do otherwise. Just like they advise parents to pick their battles - it can work in reverse too. The stress of constantly being bullied and teased is not to be underestimated though - whether you feel like it is or not your anxiety level may be at a high but you have gotten used to that feeling. It can express itself in other ways by being short tempered or maybe feeling that you have to excessively control your home situation because of the lack of control over your school day.