Should I tell my boss I have AS?

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I work in a Montessori preschool with kids aged 3-6. There are about 25 kids with 3 teachers and it can be tough sometimes to give all the kids the amount of attention they need and prevent any problems.

There is a 3-year-old boy in my class who I can see very clearly has AS. He is obsessed with numbers, a mathematical genius, has to do the same activities every day, shows no interest in interacting with the other kids, is learning to "read" by memorizing words, has a lot of repetitive stimming behaviors, and just about every other symptom you can think of. However, since he sometimes makes eye contact with people he trusts and likes physical contact (so much that it's tough to keep him from lying on top of me whenever I'm sitting down), the other teachers are "certain" that he doesn't have any form of autism.

I have convinced my boss to bring in a psychologist to observe him and possibly diagnose him (but the mother keeps putting it off - she's afraid of what she'll find out). I think he needs it. The other teachers want to treat him the same way as the other kids, and it just doesn't work with him. I'm the only one who knows how to handle him, so I'm the one who's with him all day - and as a result, I'm not able to do much of anything else. I want to teach the other teachers how to deal with him, but they do not trust me to know what I'm talking about.

I haven't told my coworkers or my boss that I have AS. I'm worried that they either won't believe me, since they are obviously so misinformed, or they'll believe me and no longer trust me to be responsible for the kids. I've worked hard to become fully independent and capable, but they obviously know nothing about autism beyond what they've seen on Rain Man.

However, if they accept that I have this condition and continue to trust me, I think I could make a big difference in this little boy's life. They would have to accept that I know what I'm talking about and start taking my advice.

The question I'm struggling with is whether the risk of losing their trust is worth the chance of gaining it. Should I tell them? If I don't, they will never take my advice seriously and they have no idea what they're doing. On the other hand, I could continue how I am doing things now, take responsibility for him myself - but then I'm neglecting the other kids and my other duties as a teacher. There's also the side effect that he has become so attached to me now that he won't allow anyone else to help him with anything, and he won't let me out of his sight.

By the way, I'm in the Czech Republic. I'm not sure what the general attitude is here towards autism, aside from the fact that almost no one seems to know anything about asperger syndrome. People definitely know about severe autism, but they don't seem to get the whole "spectrum" idea.

My colleagues seem to be pretty open-minded people in general - the typical "hippie" types you get at Montessori schools.

It's good that you notice and care. It's also good that you have open-minded colleagues so I think it would be good to discuss things with them. Think of the positive aspects of Hans Asperger's observations eg "little professors" and discuss how this boy is a "little professor" just like Hans Asperger's young patients. Explain that your understanding of him comes from the inside knowledge of being like him and that you can help them to understand both him and other similar pupils that they are likely to have occasionally.

Get the DVDs of more up-to-date films like "Adam" and encourage your colleagues (and, crucially, the boy's mother) to watch these films in order to have a better view of Aspergers.

As you are in the neighbouring country to Hans Asperger's Austria, it may be worthwhile finding out about any enlightened schools across the border and contacting them with a view to visiting with colleagues.

Here's my opinion, for what it's worth...

You've made your concerns know to your employers. If you value your job, I think you should leave it at that. It has been my experience that bosses do not appreciate being told how to run their business, or that they are wrong. Even if they are hippie-types.

As an adult with Asperger's now, I think the main thing that has helped me survive is the fact that I wasn't given any "special" treatment when I was younger. If there is any hope for anyone with AS, it is in being able to co-exist in this NT world.

Maybe you should encourage this child to participate more with the other children, on a level he can handle, and not coddle him so much. Coddling, as you admitted, is having a negative effect on your job performance and interferes with the time you should be spending with the other kids (they need your attention just as much as he does). If he is clinging to you only, I don't see that as a good thing - for you, or him.

Telling them you have AS may cost you your job and I really don't see any benefit in doing so. If they don't value your opinion now, knowing you have AS won't change that, imo.

Unfortunately, this is a hard world to live in. It's not easy for those who are "normal" and it's even more difficult for those who are "special". I think you should focus on the "cure" and less on the diagnosis. If you know of ways to help this kid integrate with the others, use them, but make sure you have the bosses approval first.

...but that's just my opinion. You have to do what feels right to you.

By the way, the boy's mother doesn't speak any English, and my Czech is spotty at best. Any information given to her will have to be given by my colleagues.

The thing is, they have no reason to believe that I know what I'm talking about, other than how confident I sound. They believe that my intentions are good, but they don't believe I'm an expert.

I'm doing my best not to coddle the boy, but he's only 3. He's absolutely unable to understand what's going on at this point. And I'm not spending time with him just because he wants me to. If I leave him alone, he destroys things. Not on purpose, he just doesn't understand what's going on. He drops things because he's clumsy and breaks glass several times per week. Today he discovered that if you throw marbles on the floor, they make a fun noise, and I had to remove all of the toys from the room that included marbles because he was turning the room into a disaster area. It doesn't matter how I tell him what he's doing is not okay. He'll repeat back to me exactly what I say, then as soon as I let go of him he goes right back and does it again. He's not trying to be difficult, he just can't understand.

He talks constantly, but only about numbers. Most of what he says is just echoing. He doesn't understand what is said to him unless he's being told the time, a date, an age, or that we're going to lunch.

Today we went for a walk with the kids - 2 teachers, 21 kids - through the woods to the park. The energy level in the classroom had been very high and he was overstimulated. After the first ten minutes outside, he wouldn't walk anymore. He just laid down on the ground and rolled around (in the dirt and the snow) laughing and clapping his hands. I told him to get up and he just repeated what I said. I encouraged him to get up and he just repeated what I said. I physically picked him up and put him on his feet, and he laughed and as soon as I let go he went right back down on the ground giggling and repeating "I'm not allowed to do this, I'm not allowed to do this." I practically had to carry him the whole way. He didn't even know I was upset, or he had done something wrong, or anything. All he knew was that he wanted to roll around on the ground, so he did.

This kid needs extra attention and care. If I hadn't been keeping track of him, the other teacher (who has no experience with autism and doesn't know what to do with this boy) would have forgotten about him and left him behind. And he would have stayed there on the ground for hours. But I can't be devoted to taking care of him. There are several other children in the group who have behavioral problems and need constant supervision. On top of that, I'm supposed to be teaching them all English, slowly but surely. I can't do that if I'm always caring for this boy.

If I tell my boss, and she doesn't react badly, she'll have to take me seriously and get him some extra help. But without a diagnosis, the other teachers just want to treat him like a normal kid - and that's just making things worse in this case. This is not a normal school, it's a Montessori school, and the teaching methods are very different. The kids are treated like adults and expected to do everything for themselves. This boy is not capable of that right now, and it's disrupting everything and making my job impossible.

I love the kid. He's so sweet and so smart and he's going to be so brilliant as he gets older and starts learning to process language and society better. But it's killing me to be his personal assistant. He needs one, but it can't be me...

I'm starting to get a clearer picture of what you're up against now. You've got your hands full!

I would have to say that the advice from RarePegs sounds pretty good.
Good luck.

Honestly it amazes me that anyone could look at this boy and not see autism immediately, but I guess not everyone knows much about it. I mentioned somewhat grumpily to one of the other teachers (of a different group, someone who's never directly responsible for this boy but knows him a bit) that "I can't be the autistic boy's personal assistant." This was after the other teachers had left him in the changing room and gone outside when he hadn't even put his coat on and was just sitting there waiting for me. The other teacher responded with a passive-aggressive, derisive tone, "I *really* don't think he's *autistic*." It was the same tone of voice I would use to tell a child that I really don't think the sky is orange. I wanted to hit her, or at least tell her why I know what I"m talking about, but I got the distinct impression that she wouldn't have believed me. One of those people that thinks she's an expert on everything and won't listen to any information that contradicts her preconcieved notions.

Fortunately she's not in my class. The two other teachers in my group are pretty open-minded. One of them is a hippie guy in his 40s. He rarely talks and seems open to just about everything. He's so patient with the kids it amazes me. The other is a younger woman with kids of her own. She actually agrees with me that this boy likely has some kind of autism, so I won't have to work hard to convince her.

I don't think my boss can fire me just for telling her I have AS. The thing I'm really worried about is that it will change her opinion of me. Right now she really seems to like and respect me. I get the impression that she actually seriously considers everything I say about this boy - she just doesn't weight it particularly strongly because she doesn't know how much I know.

I'm still thinking about it, but I'm starting to think I should just tell her. We'll see how things go from here.

On a lighter note, the boy has a girlfriend! It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in a classroom. We have a new 4-year-old girl who only speaks Russian. She can't talk to the other kids so she isn't bothered about the way he talks. She likes him and seeks him out to spend time with him. Usually he rejects any attempts by the other kids to interact with him, but with her it's different - he likes it! I saw them sitting at the table today during snack holding hands and smiling, it was amazing. I took pictures. I think she'll be a big help with him. We have to encourage this friendship!

Now, as for how a disclosure of your AS would alter your boss's opinion of you, try building up to the disclosure by researching famous people (and fictional characters) who exhibited Aspergian characteristics and discuss these people with your boss, highlighting any relevant comparisons both to yourself and also to the boy. Then mention Asperger's firstly in relation to those who are known to have the diagnosis. Follow up with those who are commonly believed to have (or to have had) Asperger's and work up through that to your own disclosure, which your boss should hopefully have worked out by then.

Great to hear that other piece of good news, by the way.

I'm 41 and I've only recently discovered I have Asperger's. I'm glad I finally know what's "wrong" with me, but I think not knowing all this time saved my life. I have a successful career and I consider myself a generally happy and well adjusted person with a few eccentricities. Now that I know and have told my immediate family, two things have happened. 1) I've started to become a little more Asperger-ish. 2) My family is now treating me differently.

Based on my own experience, I think it's best to not tell a child he/she has Asperger's. I wonder if there has been any type of study on this to prove whether or not knowing about one's Asperger's traits as a child causes them to grow up to be better or worse off in society.

I don't think you should tell anyone at work that you have Asperger's. Prior to my discovery that I'm an aspie, I met a woman who said her son has Asperger's. I immediately pictured her son as a mentally ret*d child and felt sorry for her. I believe unfortunately this is the reaction most NT's would have.

I think you should tell them. Even if they do not know what the spectrum is, they must be pretty open-minded if they work in education. My current job is in education administration, and it is the most open environment I know of. My current boss actually knew I had Asperger's from many years ago, and headhunted me for this job -- I did not apply.