Female aspies, what are your difficulties in relationships?

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Age: 28

Sexual orientation/preferences: Female, straight

Longest relationship: one 'train wreck' mess for 2 months, a couple of good experiences where I got together with someone for a week or so but we decided not to take it further.

What you look for in a mate: Intelligent, good conversations, chubby/fat (otherwise I probably won't be attracted physically), loyal/respectful, left-wing, I am trying to meet someone unconventional & openminded enough to appreciate the good things about me without minding the Aspie things too much.

What your mates like about you: Initially, my looks. Whether the relationship works out or not depends a lot on whether they also like the intelligence, independent thinking, off the wall-ness, etc.

Are you comfortable 'dating'?: Not in restaurants or films, etc. Coffee dates are good. I need a lot of dates to know if I want to be in a relationship though. I don't do the whole dressing up for the date thing, I figure the guy either likes my looks anyway or doesn't.

Your difficulties when you like a potential mate: I like very few guys and when I do I tend to get obsessive. I'm looking for a long term relationship involving having kids but I really need my own space, maybe different bedrooms.

Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you: Scary when I don't like them back. I get some attention due to my looks & non-Aspie front from guys who I'm very incompatible with (too 'normal' for me!) so its a learning process having to figure out who is unconventional enough to 'get me' and who is interested in dating either because they don't care and like me physically or have misunderstood what I'm really like inside and think I'm someone I'm not.

I'm flailing around tonight, and I came across this thread, which looks somewhat relevent, so I thought I'd park this here.

I'm with someone now, he isn't Aspie and I'm terrified of making a mess of things. I take rejection, or what I preceive to be rejection, very badly indeed - I become angry, say harsh things, send angry messages, even on one occasion destroying things. When I feel wronged I get furious and I lose control just as I lose all sense of proportion. Later, when I calm down, I can be brought to see the other person's side of things (I am speaking here of course of cases in which it's genuinely been about our failing to understand each other, not people bullying me) and I can see that I've been unjust. And I feel such remorse. And yet every time it's as if this is new to me.

I nearly lost him over this a couple of months ago. He felt it was too soon to start off together, for various reasons, and we should wait. All I could hear was rejection. I was unkind and hurt his feelings a lot. I was amazed that he came back to me, after that - I was sure he was gone for good (I really got angry and even, I think, tried to drive him away). We've talked a great deal and it seems that his own pattern is to be attracted to women who treat him badly (I have had independent confirmation of this from others). So I feel now that he may be drawn to me because he's reliving past traumas.

I love him. I absolutely love him. I love him so much I think it may be a bad idea for him to be with someone like me - for him to be drawn back to someone who has hurt him already. But I love him too much to let him go.

I can feel myself getting overwhelmed with the amount of contact we have. And yet I never want him to go, either. I don't understand how those two things fir together. Maybe it's just early on.

Just writing this has made me see - I'll just have to try and muddle through this. All I can hope is that self-awareness makes this different for both of us.

Age: 21
Sexual orientation/preferences: I like men
Longest relationship: 3 years and counting
What you look for in a mate: Intelligence, fun-loving, caring, good listener
What your mates like about you (from the mate himself): Her loving nature, her smile, her AI robot like intelligence, her voluptuous curves, the way she fumbles when she makes a mistake and acts all goofy after, the way she holds my hand in the rain, the way she gets mad and eats the food in the fridge only for me to find out afterwards and roll on the floor laughing, the way she gets jealous over my friends and doesn't try to hide it at all, the way she dances in front of me knowing that no one else is watching and last but not least, the way she makes me muffins and other baked goods
Are you comfortable 'dating'?: Before I was committed, I did find dating fun. Now, I still like to go on dates with my boyfriend, and spice things up.
Your difficulties when you like a potential mate: Figuring out whether he likes me, showing him that I like him, communicating my own needs to him instead of avoiding conflict, sensory issues with touch, showing him that though I may appear different on the outside, I am really harmless and loving
Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you: Knowing that they like me, or recognizing when I am being asked on a date, and same as above

Age: 20's
Sexual orientation/preferences: Heterosexual
Longest relationship:
What you look for in a mate:
What your mates like about you: i am young loyal and a perfect girl
Are you comfortable 'dating'?: no
Your difficulties when you like a potential mate: i can get anyone i want
Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you: nobody ever pursues me

Age: 29

Sexual orientation/preferences: Pansexual - main preference is heterosexual men.

Longest relationship: 4 1/2 years

What you look for in a mate: Love, that's it...I have a 'type' (big guys, long hair, facial hair, etc.), I like guys who are smart and funny, caring and supportive, understanding and open-minded, but most of all they must love me, that's all I ever want.

What your mates like about you: I'm genuine, caring, fun, confident, I don't cause the sort of drama other women do, I'm not high-maintenance, I'm a decent human being, etc.

Are you comfortable 'dating'?: No, we don't have a dating culture here in the UK and I can't stand going on official dates as they feel forced and uncomfortable, I prefer to be friends with someone then let it progress from there into a full-blown romantic relationship.

Your difficulties when you like a potential mate: Being myself, and showing the right sort of affection - many men are scared off by a woman who is affectionate as they see it as being clingy, where as if you don't show the right amount of attention they lose interest. It seems so much is expected of women in a relationship, the slightest slip-up turns you from datable to 'bunny boiler' in many men's eyes. Plus men like to be the ones doing the chasing...but I can't be bothered with waiting so often make the first move, which some guys dislike.

Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you: Saying 'no' - I find it really hard to rule-out the guys who are no good for me, not abusive guys but the ones who aren't a good fit.

Age: 25
Sexual orientation/preferences: Straight
Longest relationship: 4 years
What you look for in a mate:
-intelligence
-understanding
-good listener
-gets me to come out of my shell
-easygoing
-respectful
-nice
-has some of the same goals as me

What your mates like about you:
I'm not exactly sure but I'm guessing by what I've been told:
-I'm open-minded
-I have a wild side to me
-I'm different than the average girl
-I'm not as dramatic as a lot of girls
-I'm smart in certain areas
-I'm a good listener
-I have nice eyes

Are you comfortable 'dating'?: Once I get to know the person better.
Your difficulties when you like a potential mate:
-I don't know how to tell them
-I have a hard time showing my emotions
-I have a hard time feeling comfortable around them for a while
-being confident in myself
-opening up and trusting them
-I fall fast
Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you:
-trusting them
-letting them in
-showing my emotions
-basically most things in previous question

Age: 24

Sexual orientation/preferences: Bisexual, but my partner is a guy.

Longest relationship: Almost 7 months and counting.

What you look for in a mate: Empathy, intelligence, open-mindedness, loyalty, stability, someone who is never cocky, boorish, or rude, someone who embraces me as a person and admires my uniqueness, playfulness, cuddliness, self-awareness, willingness to learn about the sides of myself that I don't reveal to most people I meet.

What your mates like about you: He's said repeatedly that I'm very fun to be around and am not into drama or fussing over insignificant little things. He loves my random silliness and views the little quirks and tendencies that I have as adorable. He seems to love my newfound positivity: how I've gone from having a chaotic childhood and recent past to picking myself up and learning from my mistakes. He looks up to me in a way that not many others do.

Are you comfortable 'dating'?: Before I met my boyfriend, I didn't date, but saw a lot of guys for flings. I didn't think I was the type who'd realistically could handle a relationship, as my previous ones bombed. Now I'm totally comfortable doing so.

Your difficulties when you like a potential mate: In the past: not being able to get my mind off them to the point where I became obsessed a few times: but this only happens when the person doesn't reciprocate my feelings. When I started liking my now-boyfriend: genuinely not knowing whether he liked me to the same extent I did or just saw me as a fun friend.

Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you: Most of the time I've been pursued, I have not reciprocated feelings for the other guy, and trying to ward them off when they get clingy is very, very tough. I'm nice about it because I am eager to please and trying to remain friends when one of these guys likes you is tough.

When my boyfriend began pursue me, I was having conflicted feelings about relationships as I was having a fling at the time with a guy I was obsessed with. After some deliberation, I decided to cut the fling off. Realistically, I would much rather be in a solid, committed, loving relationship with someone who really admires me as a person than an uncertain fling with a guy who seems to be only in it for the chase.

24
Heteroromantic Grey-Asexual
2 years
Feminism. Veganism. Atheism.
Beau recently described me as "super intelligent and logical". I also have "porcelain" for skin (not my words).
I crave the intimacy of a domestic relationship- I don't do the million casual dates thing.
"Like" as in middle school crush like? I meet people who fit my criteria on dating sites, followed by a brief period of getting to know one another, and then a relationship. There isn't really much that would be difficult.
See above.

My main problem is in finding people who fit my criteria- very few people are actually Leftists, even self-described liberals-
they're still obsessed with patriarchy, with speciesism, and very often with a capitalistic status quo.

Other than that, I'm not a sexual being at all, and struggling to pretend to be one can take it's toll on a relationship.

Also, I don't have any friends and am not interested in spending time around people- I don't know anyone outside my partner and parents.

Due to Aspie-related difficulties, it's extremely difficult for me to work the only jobs open to me as someone without a degree (I've been pursuing a bachelor's off and on for six years now, and simply can't do the mathematics required) so the person essentially has to provide for us to go do anything, as I'm just on a stipend from my mom.

Food is a huge issue when I'm living with someone, because I only rarely eat anything besides raw/steamed veggies to maintain my weight, and also go weeks at a time without eating to lose it, so going out to eat doesn't happen, and my beau usually feels guilty eating around me, so we go to separate rooms til he's done.

Age: 26
Sexual orientation/preferences: Bi-sexual prefer men
Longest relationship: nearly 4 years on and off

What you look for in a mate: honesty, respect, monogamous, faithful/loyal to me, knows himself well/fully, sexually compatible enough, culturally, socially, spiritually compatible...no clashing goals/aspirations, good communication skills

What your mates like about you: hmm no idea to be honest I believe nothing they claimed to like... I do think men like that I am "nice" and seem to view me as an easy target...

Are you comfortable 'dating'?: NO

Your difficulties when you like a potential mate: Knowing when they are being honest or not. Knowing weather they actually like me or not.

Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you: Same as above

Age: 57
Sexual orientation/preferences: Female heterosexual
Longest relationship: 16 years
What you look for in a mate: Kindness, and at least some effort at understanding
What your mates like about you: I spoil them rotten, I am not jealous or clingy, I am a hard worker, I am loyal and trustworthy
Are you comfortable 'dating'?: Sometimes
Your difficulties when you like a potential mate: Remembering his name in the beginning
Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you: Wondering when it is the right time to let him know about my differences

I am coming to grips with the notion that I am just too different at an interpersonal level to actually find and keep a partner/companion. I am very honest, and explain everything about myself as the relationship develops. Men assure me that they understand and that it is OK, but it isn't. They become bored with me, and then they cheat - and then I make them leave.

Plus, all the men my age want women 30-45 years old. Even the guys in their 70's want women under 50.

Age: 22, almost 23. (God, I feel old. >.< )
Sexual orientation/preferences: Straight, as far as I know... although I never ruled out women.
Longest relationship: 3.5 years
What you look for in a mate: authenticity, kindness, thoughtfulness, empathy, patience, maturity, knows what they want, plenty of spunk and a good sense of humor.
What your mates like about you: Ummmm... usually the insane way my mind works. Sometimes my ret*d sense of humor.
Are you comfortable 'dating'?: Hell no.
Your difficulties when you like a potential mate: Getting anywhere near them without running away tends to be a problem. If I do manage to, making eye contact is almost impossible.
Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you: I have absolutely no idea that they like me until they try to kiss me, which is usually completely unexpected. Trying to work out their motivations and intentions is damn near impossible. And usually my lack of eye contact and lack of response to their signals (which I manage to miss completely) leads them to believe that I don't like them and that I'm rejecting them, even when that's not the case.

Age: mid 20's
Sexual orientation/preferences: bisexual but tend to prefer men
Longest relationship: 7 years (I know, yikes, right?)
What you look for in a mate: Maturity, intelligence (of various sorts), kindness, good sense of humor; mostly that they just, well, make me happy!
What your mates like about you: You'd have to ask them Trying to think of the compliments I've gotten, I guess most common are intelligence, appearance and being interesting (though it's hard to know when that's a compliment and when it's not)
Are you comfortable 'dating'?: I guess about as (un)comfortable as I am with any kind of social interaction
Your difficulties when you like a potential mate: Hm, turning into an awkward babbling klutz?
Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you: Being totally oblivious

Age: 31
Sexual orientation/preferences: femal hetero (suspected asexual)
Longest relationship: 2.5 yrs
What you look for in a mate: cute (not "hot", cute); funny; doesn't take himself too seriously; but isn't a total goofball
What your mates like about you: Not sure; it's been a while, and my last relationship ended abruptly.
Are you comfortable 'dating'?: lol No.
Your difficulties when you like a potential mate: The guys I've dated have always had a much higher...drive than I do. If I could just find a guy who's not spontaneous and satisfied with cuddling, I'd be set!
Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you: Same.

I have more difficulty with this than probably anyone else I've ever known. (some of which I can articulate, but that doesn't help)

Age: 40
Sexual orientation/preferences: straight
Longest relationship: a few months
What you look for in a mate: lack of crap, anything that feels familiar and human to me, which is nebulous and uncommon
What your mates like about you: don't know
Are you comfortable 'dating'?: no. too many rules i don't understand or conventions which seem forced to me, also not comfortable getting physical with someone i barely know
Your difficulties when you like a potential mate: so many things: can't tell whether interest is reciprocated or how i am perceived; social anxiety sometimes prevents interaction at all; sometimes object of my interest is obviously more interested in more "normal" or passive girls; guy makes little sense to me when I see him in social contexts (this happens with platonic friends also sometimes after initially i think I can relate to them intellectually)
Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you: can't determine context of interest (purely physical or casual? someone he would go out with seriously? etc) is probably the biggest one, also how to behave in order to send correct signals back and not be misperceived

Out of curiosity, lets see where we all can relate.

Age: 24

Sexual orientation/preferences: Heterosexual, Bicurious

Longest relationship: Umm maybe 8 months?

What you look for in a mate: Someone who I click with, intelligent, empathetic, sorta a compassionate nerd

What your mates like about you: My figure, that Im asian, my intelligent, honest, and interesting

Are you comfortable 'dating'?: yes

Your difficulties when you like a potential mate: Couple things. First with finding guys in person, the pre-dating rituals: small talk, flirting, approaching, body language, etc. I get confused and I suck at navigating that. Dating sake, I often meet guys online. I tend to get friend-zoned a lot with guys in person. Second, I have trouble finding a spark with a guy or with anyone for that matter. The emotional bond is sorta lacking and revolves around us talking subject-based conversations. So talking to me is sometimes like talking to another guy. That's why I would like the guy to have more of a compassionateness in them, cause I lack that.

Your difficulties when the potential mate likes/pursues you: Couple problems i ran into in the past. First, I was not into them back, and my aspie body language was messing with there heads apparently. When I did like the guy and he pursued me, our relationship eventually conbused due to my excess obsessive clingyness.