Good article on bullies and how to avoid

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This article is about bullies and how they choose their victims. It gives good advice for how to avoid being the victim of one.

However, it says nothing about spanking or drill instructors.

Which article ? Ah ok, there's a link at the beginning of your phrase :

http://nononsenseselfdefense.com/bullies.htm

Ah, I'm sorry. I forgot to type in <link> as I usually do. I also didn't preview it. The post that is, I've read the article.

That's very interesting. Thanks.

Interesting article. I would only point out that it's written by a person who was once clearly a bully himself. To top it off, if he is to be taken truthfully (and I don't see any reason not to), the author has an "air" about him that quickly intimidates other bullies.

But let me ask this. What if you are NOT the kind of person who intimidates people like that by nothing more than your mere presence? What if you are also not the kind of person who stares down punks like that?

For example, I make eye contact with just about everyone I see when I'm out. Not in a stare down, "sizing up" kind of way, but in a manner that invites people who are so inclined to say, "Hi! How are you?" (not very Autistic, I know, but it took me decades to learn to do this properly).

The way the author describes how "bullies" look for victims (targeting people who make sustained eye contact or stare), is the way a lot of bullies operate. Not all of them do though. Some don't give a rip if you're even looking their way. Some, even after a quick glance from me and realizing they are trouble, then walking away, will STILL follow and attempt to start something. TBH, that was the scenario by which I was bullied as a kid and young adult more often than any other. Minding my own damned business, and caught completely off guard.

Sorry, but I have found NO other way of dealing with that crap effectively other than standing my ground and refusing to back down. More often than not, that is what stopped them in their tracks, because it took them completely off guard. It was exactly the opposite of what they expected.

I don't fight though. I never have. I just do not back down, and don't give ground (or anything else I might have on me), unwillingly. Granted, I've never been mugged by anyone armed with a weapon other than their fists. That would be a game changer for sure. I'm also constantly aware of my surroundings. It's practically impossible to sneak up on me. I have eyes in the back of my head, and I do avoid situations and places where more dangerous encounters might happen.

The thing is, I spent all of my childhood hiding my face and gaze from everyone everywhere I went, and got beaten a LOT. Now that I've broken out of that shell, and now manage to make contact with a lot of really cool people, I'm not about to stop doing so just to avoid trouble. I do agree with the author that having staring contests with people you don't know is just plain stupid. The fact is though, it DOESN'T always start that way. Many bullies pick targets based on the fact that they are NOT looking at them.

My approach isn't about machismo at all. It's about not being a victim. It's about emitting vibes that are confident and fully aware, yet not intimidating. In my book, "not backing down" isn't about staring and intimidating anyone. It's about not backing down from totally unprovoked attacks. Based on his own description of himself, I doubt the author of that article, has ever experienced that. I have.

Yeah and your approach is what he said most people do. Glance at them when they walk in and then ignore them. That's really what works. You don't give a first impression of scared rabbit nor of challanging buck deer. It's a "So what? Let them get their slushies" kind of thing. I do that too.

Now, a word of disclaimer here, I am in no way, shape, or form, a badass. I'm easily beat up. If you can get past my totally unexpected first run attacks. Which are NOT moves any guy who has any self esteem would use. No, it's not a kick in the nuts. It's crazy stuff. But it hurts. And usually doesnt hurt me to do it.

However, I dated several adasses. One pseudo-badass. Oh, that was fun. Another was a guy whose entire family was in a streetgang way back before streetgangs had to do with Bloods and Crips. The said guy in the gang family, I married for a bit. He beat my ass quite a lot. He WAS a bully.

I had an epiphany one day. Really.

You know, if I cuff him to me, with his right to my left, he can't swing as hard! BINGO! That's what I did. And, on that day, I beat his ass.

I'm old now though. I have the MOTHER TONE! I can at many times, walk up to a group of boys (by boys, I'm talking about under 30) doing something they shouldn't and say something like "Kids, kids, kids, ya'll supposed to be out here?" Usually I get a "No Maa'm" and some excuse then I say "Ya'll just need to head on home then ok?" and it's fine.

I do seem nonthreatening, and I AM nonthreatening. I'm not going to start anything, the worst thing I'd do is be rude, or call someones boss. However, this doesn't mean I scuttle by like a little mouse. If I am walking up a street in the city (where I used to live) in a bad area at night or anytime and someone is approaching, I give them the up and down look then do the upward nod at them.

I was mugged once. Outside a store at night. Where I went for cigarettes. Suburban Mom gets out dressed like, well, Suburban Mom. It's night. I parked in an unlighted area. Three boys came at me. By boys I mean about 23 or so. One grabbed me and turned me around into an arm lock and said "B**** gimme yo money!" I said "Hellllllllll no m*****f***er!" That surprised him so he weakened his hold a second. I turned around, stuck my two fingers up his nose, pulled real hard, constantly, grabbed his earlobe and twisted till it hurt as he went to his knees. If he had had a gun he would have shot me. Because he didn't shoot me, that led me to believe that he had no gun. He grabbed me around the throat and started choking, as we both lay on the ground. I pulled his head close and did him a good ole Tyson. I bit that guy's ear till he bled! Thats when he gave up. I had in some way won it. His friends were laughing. They didn't think helping him get the probably $12 cash I had was worth watching him get his a** handed to him by an old white lady.

I then turned the tables on him, took his wallet and money out his pockets, and asked them if they wanted to contribute. They were laughing and said "Naw, go on girl, this s**** too good!"

Interesting, however I think most people on the spectrum are going to run into bullies in the context of school or neighborhood kids, and those situations are a little different.

Unlike tough guys, who usually have some degree of self respect and won't pick fights with people who clearly much weaker than they (and thus will not serve to bolster their image), school yard bullies pick fights with those who they know are much weaker because it makes them feel powerful when they are really no more powerful than a 90 year old man picking on a 10 year old.

School yard bullies like to get a rise out of those they can get a rise out of, and they will actively seek out victims by test sampling, choosing individuals who visibly stand out as socially inept and who might not have any social support system to help defend them. If you are being "sampled", at this point, the bully has not definitively identified you as a target, only a potential target, and the best way to handle it is to not heed to the bully's wishes and engage them. Rather, act like you don't really care to engage them because you are busy or have other things on your mind, and keep cool. Don't try to reason or rationalize with them. Be terse and eventually walk away to get to that important place you had to get to. This communicates to the bully that you are no fun and they can't get what they want out of you.

If they do lock on to you as a target, it's much more difficult to get rid of them because they know they can get a rise out of you and you are their daily "high". Still, the same methods should be employed. I don't condone violence but I do think a child should have the same right to protect themselves as an adult if physically threatened, and I'm sorry to say that there will be occasions where a child is bullied to such an extent that they are really left with little choice but to physically defend themselves, and I'm also sorry to say that this method often does work when the child proves they are stronger than the bully.

However it should be avoided if possible because the child will inevitably be the one who gets in trouble, not the bully, and it might not work, especially if the bully interprets the success of the child as a fluke and thinks they can still overpower them in the right situation (for this reason it was not productive to my cause to hit my sister back until I was 15). If the bully is with a group of peers who participate in the bullying, the best thing to do is flee.

Sometimes a child will inadvertently identify themselves to an individual who is not a proactive bully, who seeks out their victims, but an opportunistic bully. Someone who only takes the opportunity to bully if the chance arises. I think most bullies fall into this category. Typically what happens is the bully and child end up in some social situation together. At this point, there is potential for a happy relationship between them, however the child, being somewhat socially awkward or naive, acts in a manner which the bully interprets as "un cool" and the bully becomes annoyed. At a subconscious level, the bully perceives the child as a threat because they are different in the sense that they are not able to detect and adhere to the group culture. This is something that was instilled in humans through evolution, because humans, like other primates, rely on the cohesion of a group for survival. Chimps, for example, coordinate complex patrol, hunting, and raiding expeditions, and even wars, and they do all of this organizing almost exclusively through non-verbal body language. This requires that chimps have the ability to read other chimps.

Children who are socially awkward do not perceive that they are acting in a manner which differs from that of the group, but the other group members do.

Often times, the individuals who aren't exactly bullies will simply seek to expel the child from the group by being rude, perhaps launching what appears to be an unprovoked insult at the child in the middle of what seemed like a friendly conversation. If that doesn't work, they might try more direct means of expelling the child, perhaps even stating to the child that they are unwelcome (frequently in more colorful wording. However bullies take slightly different approaches. Rather than expel the child, the bully seeks to oppress the child and exploit them for their own emotional gains. From an evolutionary standpoint, the child has become the lowest ranking member in a group. The member who's only worth is to serve the group in some way, and reaps no benefit like the other members do. In this way, they are not a threat to the group and still aid in group cohesion and resource procurement (as they can frequently be forced to do things).

Nature can be rather horrible can't it?

Again, the child should avoid things like trying to reason with bullies, having long dialogs which they attempt to verbally defend themselves with, and the expression of complex ideas which might be beyond the maturity level of their "peers".

Dealing with bullies in 1 easy step... 1. Learn to fight, jiujitsu is good for AS find a school. If you can't afford one, a knee or palm to the pelvic girdle will drop anyone.

Martial arts, outside the movies, is only good for fighting other people who are using the exact same martial arts method as you and who agree to stick only to it.

Unless you are Chuck Norris that is, and I honestly don't know how ole Chuck would fare up against a drunk redneck with a sawed off in his truck.

As for the knee to there, most people guard that well.

Fighting fighting doesn't work very much outside of two drunks in a back yard. That's because if they are somewhere else, and have any sense at all, one of them will pick up a weapon, even if it's a rock on the ground. If they don't already have a weapon on them, and not being stupid, most of them do, even if it's a foldy knife.

So, if you want hand to hand fisticuffs combat, you need to either 1) be in a movie or 2) be in a ring with rules and judges. Otherwise, you are on your own.

what a world.

Yep, especially if they make a habit of fighting women or otherwise preying on the weak. The shot to the groin is such a Hollywood cliche that it's the one "move" that just about anyone is likely to try, and so is the most commonly guarded against. That, and even if you land it it's just pain, no actual impairment of immediate function is caused by hitting someone in the junk. They may hurt later after they've finished stomping you into the ground, but I imagine that's pretty cold comfort. I did a whole thread about this very subject a while back in the Women's forum, got some interesting replies. Personally, I'm a big advocate of steel toed shoes and basic martial arts for casual self defense, firearms for serious people, but that's just me.

I started reading it but this guy is so dumb and full of himself, I felt like I was losing IQ points as I was reading it.

From my experience, bullies pick on people with integrity and intelligence, people who they are intimidated by. This is not something to be ashamed of but something to keep in (sometimes it is better to play stupid which goes along with his idea of ignoring the bully) His ideas are right but his mentality is wrong.

After reading your post the only conclusion I can come to is you don't know crap about self defense.

"Martial arts, outside the movies, is only good for fighting other people who are using the exact same martial arts method as you and who agree to stick only to it."

Seriously?

Well, I have to agree to that the idea of the self-defence teachings of most martial arts is them being applicable to all sorts of common, simple or elaborate attacks that people even without any knowledge of martial arts come up, including being confronted with a variety of common and obscure weapons such as chains, clubs, sticks and pistols.

If that isn't taught in "self-defence" then it's probably best to quit and find another dojo where people actually know what they're doing.

That's what I always wondered about. I don't think you're really allowed to be too violent in those classes, which makes me wonder how you would really learn very much.

The whole website is very interesting, and I've been trying to read through all of it as there's so much information. Thank you for sharing it.

I wouldn't class this as bullying. If the perpertrator is over 18+ it's assault in my book.

This guy is an idiot.

Jason