Showing empathy in relationships

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I'm aware lacking empathy for others is part of Aspergers syndrome. I've been accused of it myself a few times and reading some of the posts in this section it seems like an obstacle for a lot of aspies have in getting into a relationship.

For the ones who do manage - what's your secret if you have empathy problems?

Do your partners have a way of not confusing your behavior with a lack of interest in them?

It must be difficult to reassure them all the time, and it must be hard for them to not get insecure about the situation.

Unlike sympathy and compassion, empathy is a skill, not a virtue - a skill which, by definition, many people on the spectrum are poor at.

I am really not aware of any way to make oneself more "NT" in this regard, personally I feel the best substitute is to make the other person aware of your deficit and ask them to verbalize things they normally wouldn't feel the need to do.

It's NOT easy though, many NT's simply cannot accept the fact that someone could possibly be that clueless...

hmm

It seems to be a problem with me in terms of the person having a lot more empathy than me or a lot less.

I compensate for my lack of empathy with the direct approach of discussing feelings. I tell my partner how I feel about things & I ask her how she feels a lot. My analytical ability works a lot better when I discuss things with someone so I'm able to be very supportive despite majorly lacking in empathy thou I'm not supportive in the typical NT way; I'm more logical about it. I really need a partner to be supportive of rite now

My bf and I talk a lot. He is fully aware of my empathy issues and promises me he's okay with it. Whenever he is having emotional issues that I don't get (most of them) I'm kind of like, "I don't know why you feel this way, but what can I do to make it better?"

He has anxiety issues, so I often don't understand why he freaks out over something. I try to talk him down with logic when I can (that rarely works) and when I can't I just give him a hug or something...or try to distract him by flashing my boobs. He gets over it on his own, and at least I'm there for him physically even if I'd rather be watching TV.

The bothersome thing is that sometimes I get stressed out over not being able to fix whatever's wrong, and then we're both in a bad mood.

Take MDMA with people you care about so the feelings become familiar. Being in love feels the same, and by then you should be used to it.

What i do is to lie. when my mum says some whinging rubbish that I want to respond with harsh advice, instead I stop myself and say 'oh poor you, that is awful' or something similar, this works on the whole.

It does require effort though and often harsh advice will slip out despite my best efforts.

However most people are happy with fake cliche lines of sympathy/empathy, after all its what most NTs churn out!!

i use my (aspie) eye for detail and change for empathy; once i know a person better, i have established some kind of 'behavorial baseline', if i then see them behaving differently, i know something is wrong, and i use a combination of memory of such changes (in the same or other persons) and the direct question "anything wrong?" to figure out what is actually the matter, after which i can use my training in showing emotions to force visible empathy.

no, i do not fake it, i do feel empathy for my friends, all i have to force is the outward appearance of it.

Empathy is hard. It takes me a lot of thinking to conclude how someone's feeling and what I should say or should've said. It is a bit easier for me to empathize in a relationship than with other people. I don't really understand why though. I cope by being supportive of them and being demonstrative of my feelings instead of hoping that they'll understand that I like them.

I don't have that bad of probelm with empathy myself. I can understand when people are upset and genuinely feel for them. My problem is that sometimes I don't know what to say to them other than the generic stuff or giving constructive criticism. In my last relationship I truely empathized with her until I got fed up with being walked all over. I started turning on my "I don't give a FUUUUUU~~" and made the last 2 of the 5 years even worse.