Guys/gals: Do you push people away or would you ever settle?

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This question is mainly for those of you who are single and, for whatever reason, don't think a relationship is a realistic prospect for you in the near future, even though you want a relationship.

If you can think back on all of your attempts, has there ever been a scenario in which you were the rejector and not the rejectee? Or did you ever (perhaps unconsciously) push someone away?

The reason for asking is that it is astounding how many rational and eloquent posts there are from people who sound really interesting, yet for whatever reason cannot make a connection. Of course, being on the spectrum, it makes it no mystery, but still apparently many here haven't hooked up with anyone else on the spectrum either. Internet dating has many obstacles so can see the reason for that perhaps, but still.... so many interesting and dateable sounding people of the opposite gender!

The existence of this disconnect (between charming, single Aspies) and the lack of a connection [between that person] to someone else, brings this question forth...

Because it is hard not to wonder if there is something more complex going on. Do you think in the back of your mind maybe you don't expect anything will work out, and perhaps at a crucial juncture in a budding friendship/relationship - bail out early so that you don't get hurt? Or maybe even bail out subtly (such as gradually not returning someone's emails in a timely manner) or developing an inertia due to negative expectations? (or perhaps 'see' slights early, and instead of finding out if they are actual slights, assume the worst and cut it off....)

Maybe being on the spectrum makes some of us feel we are not picky at all, but need for predictability or consistency makes us 'seem' picky to NTs

Anyway, this is a long list of possibilities but just wondering if there is more than what meets the eye.

Do you feel you are someone who would settle; if so, what would you be willing to give up for the 'right' person?

(I'm a Guy)
Looking back, I would have to assume that it's subconscious.
I haven't had a friend for so long, I don't know when to call someone a friend. At the romantic side women have never hung around that much and when they did it was only for a few minutes (Even then they were texting on their damn cell phones the whole time).
In the past when I spoke to women, I tried my hardest not to offend them and to try to impress them, when I thought that we understood each other perfectly, I would get relaxed (big mistake), the filter went off and ta-da gone.
I actually got a girlfriend for a while but then on June 10, 2010, I got a mysterious stomach illness that had me in constant agony, pain, frustration and misery until the symptoms finally subsided December 25, 2011, anyways she left me just after the first week.
Mostly out of bitterness I am now Asexual, it's actually quite peaceful but also revealing, I am now tolerant of many things.
I wouldn't give up anything for anybody, selfish? So. It. Would. Seem. But it's not anybody's problem but mine. Nobody should expect anything like that from anybody, if you're expecting stuff like that and calling me selfish, then that means your a hypocrite. (I'm not blaming anybody specific, especially the OP)

Can't say I've ever had too many people pursuing me(at least not that I've realized). However, I've pushed away the few that did, more so because I didn't trust them than anything else. I've also tried to alienate myself from those I've been interested in that seem like they obviously only thought of me as a friend. Feels that's the only way it'll ever be, as whenever I've told anyone about how I feel towards them, their reaction has always been negative.

I don't think I'd settle. There are some things I don't care about much, but settling for a person implies a loveless relationship, which I don't think I could do.

I may of pushed away girls who may of been interested in me when I was in high-school assuming any may of been interested in me. I was NOT wanting a relationship then & I was so overwhelmed from stress & problems with my parents over my Aspies issues & school problems that I had NO desire to socialize at all; I just wanted people to leave me the hell alone. I may of accidentally pushed away some girls when I was wanting & looking for a relationship. Most all the girls I tried rejected me & looking back on things I think what some of them meant by just be friends was that they just wanted to be friends for now & see where it lead; I kind of withdrew from them a little because I did not want to accidentally cross over the friendship boundary sense I assumed they were only wanting to be my friend; I did not want to ruin our friendship so I gave the impression that I was no longer wanting more with them when they may would of been open to it after being friends more. Not sure if that makes much sense
As for as settling; I'm mostly looking for a woman who will give me a chance & try to make a relationship work with me. I am very aware that I have lots of things limiting me with relationships & it's very seldom that a woman would be interested in me; I was only aware of it 2wice & they were both my ex girlfriends. I do NOT think of it as settling thou because I think one of the most important things to make any relationship work is both people being commuted to making it work; putting forth effort to find ways to compromise. I like most anyone who's nice towards me after a while thou so I think of it as me being realistic & not limiting myself.

i broke up with 2 of my girlfriends, and i dont regret it, even though now im lonely and i dont have anyone to cuddle with. i cant settle anymore. my next relationship will be with someone whom im actually attracted to, or not at all. i mean.. maybe i could start a relationship with someone who likes me that im not attracted to, but i really dont see it working out long-term so, to me, its just not right to start something like that. my other girlfriend i broke up with was dumb to begin with, then she also decided to smack me around from time to time, like when we didnt agree on something. i stayed with her because i was still kinda attracted to her, and the sex was great.. but when she cheated on me that was the last straw and i ended it shortly thereafter.

I've been both the rejector and the rejectee (more so the latter) and both cases still make me feel pretty horrible. Usually if things get too intense, I pretty much shut down and try to avoid the person. There might be something that happens before this stage that's subconscious, but the overload of emotion is definitely conscious. I used to try hard not to message them if this was the case, and usually went offline if we chatted via internet. Now, I realize that was a big mistake - hiding from the person in fear actually makes the pain worse, not better.



Keeping in mind that alike neurology isn't necessarily a precursor to a good relationship. It could be that some of us haven't met that many other people on the spectrum IRL in comparison to those not on the spectrum.

Last edited by AScomposer13413 on 02 Feb 2012, 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am a female and would probably take anyone that would have me.

I can't speak from my past experiences because they don't exist.
Once I asked a guy If I could sit down and he told me no because his girlfriend was going to sit there.
It turns out that he didn't have a girlfriend he just didn't want me near him.
I wasn't even interested in him but the site of me turned him off.

I fear rejection and ridicule because of past childhood events. This causes me to not make the effort to start a relationship but I still want one. Even a hug would be nice.

I cut my hair short and appear to have no self-confidence.
Most of the time men don't even notice that I exist unless I am having a public meltdown.
After my public meltdowns thy either laugh at me or stare at me. It probably is very strange seeing a girl scream out it frustration.

I speak very softly and just fade into the background of all the extroverted and confident girls.

I'm not sure how for away you are but I would be interested

I would never settle for someone who was only tolerable. For me, I'd rather be alone than be tied to someone I don't love.