My point in life, a tale of confusion and stupidity.

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I won't tell you my life story.

But here is everything I worry about.
I realize that I am very suicidal in the sense of I think about it all the time and I have it planned and I do half ass suicides when i get drunk. I realize I act to things a lot more differently. I realize I never know what is going on because I am living in my head and I hear peoples voices when they talk to me but I never can register them.
I never knew how to take directions when people give them to me.
My style of dress has always been strange in the sense that I don't like conforming to regular social standards and I have my pride that I never will. It is just raggedy holes and not showering smelling like s**t and I love it.
I realize I am also an as*hole and I can't hold regular conversations with people I know very well, I think it is mostly the heraing aspect. I don't hear every small thing they say so I always get confused.
I feel as if there is a conspiracy against me at work which is why I quit my job and I do live alone. I also have bad motor skills for whatever reason. I get angry for whatever reason because I believe there is something conspiring against me. I enjoy burning myself and cutting myself and whenever someone tries to get close to me I always am an as*hole and shoe them off. I am an as*hole because I can't trust anybody and that is the the truth.
I can't focus on anything and I feel like the ideas I have are borderline insane when it comes to regular people. I am into very weird things by societys standards.
I think everybody is out to get me in some certain way. I am completly against what everyone and everything does just because my ideas are better.
I have so many dreams but due to insecurity and just being stupid and weird I can't accomplish any of them.
The only abilitys I need are the ability to talk to people fluently and use of motor skills and I would be the happiest person around.

You sound a lot like me in my early twenties. I got on the right perscription drugs. Learnt how to socialize to a point (people still drive me nuts). And mostly things are better than they used to be.
[i]and I've got the arms to prove it.