how to tell her to stop talking about her ex

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tronist
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08 Feb 2012, 7:44 am

so the girl that i like is still hung up on her ex. she basically insists that we talk about her ex boyfriend. she says she knows they are just friends, but i can tell she still cares for him deeply. i cant tell her 'dont talk to him anymore' because she really doesnt know me, and she'd choose him over me in an instant. shes let me know before that shes hard to get to know, and its hard for her to trust people, and hard for her to let people into her life.

idk. it really seems like shes making an effort to appease me and give me a shot, but when we talk its 'ex this.. ex that.. this one time he did this.. blah blah'. whenever were not talking about her ex, she runs out of steam, and doesnt carry the conversation at all. i have to constantly keep the conversation going basically alone lol. which is incredibly hard for me because small talk isnt exactly my strong suite. i think this is because she doesnt trust easily, and has a hard time letting me into her life and what not (as stated before), but idk.

and yea, i should probably just stop talking to her all together. i dont want to do that just yet, however. i want to give her a shot because i have a good feeling she would be a good match for me.

shes not always so bad at carrying conversations, but she does run out of steam pretty fast XD. i can tell shes very smart, and im attracted to her, and she has a good sense of humor.

so.. how do i tell her i dont want to talk about her ex boyfriend when she insists that she could talk about this subject for hours and never run out of things to say? i DO like talking to her, but i absolutely cannot stand listening to her talk about her ex.

would saying 'hey, i'd really appreciate it if we could stray away from the subject of your ex' work? what other things could i say instead?



Wolfheart
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08 Feb 2012, 7:57 am

To be honest, she hasn't let go and she isn't ready to have a relationship yet. The fact she is telling you about her ex means she could be viewing your as her emotional support and someone to help her through these feelings. I would say disregard her and find a girl that is ready to invest her thought into you. She isn't ready for a relationship and this can only end up in a negative outcome.



Magdalena
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08 Feb 2012, 8:08 am

How about by not seeing her unless she changes the topic?



cinbad
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08 Feb 2012, 8:37 am

Tell her that she's never going to get over her ex if she can't stop obsessing about him.
Ask her if she wants you to be the place where she can forget about the pain and NOT talk about it.


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08 Feb 2012, 8:45 am

tronist wrote:
so the girl that i like is still hung up on her ex. she basically insists that we talk about her ex boyfriend. she says she knows they are just friends, but i can tell she still cares for him deeply. i cant tell her 'dont talk to him anymore' because she really doesnt know me, and she'd choose him over me in an instant. shes let me know before that shes hard to get to know, and its hard for her to trust people, and hard for her to let people into her life.

idk. it really seems like shes making an effort to appease me and give me a shot, but when we talk its 'ex this.. ex that.. this one time he did this.. blah blah'. whenever were not talking about her ex, she runs out of steam, and doesnt carry the conversation at all. i have to constantly keep the conversation going basically alone lol. which is incredibly hard for me because small talk isnt exactly my strong suite. i think this is because she doesnt trust easily, and has a hard time letting me into her life and what not (as stated before), but idk.

and yea, i should probably just stop talking to her all together. i dont want to do that just yet, however. i want to give her a shot because i have a good feeling she would be a good match for me.

shes not always so bad at carrying conversations, but she does run out of steam pretty fast XD. i can tell shes very smart, and im attracted to her, and she has a good sense of humor.

so.. how do i tell her i dont want to talk about her ex boyfriend when she insists that she could talk about this subject for hours and never run out of things to say? i DO like talking to her, but i absolutely cannot stand listening to her talk about her ex.

would saying 'hey, i'd really appreciate it if we could stray away from the subject of your ex' work? what other things could i say instead?


Two words = chuck her.

Sounds harsh I know but until she's prepared to get over him (which right now clearly isn't the case) you are wasting your time.


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08 Feb 2012, 9:28 am

From my point of view you need to discuss these issues with her.

Find out why she keeps talking about him, ask her clearly if she is ready to invest in someone else.
Maybe she needs your emotional support in helping her get over him.
Maybe she simply doesn't want to get over him, and shes with your for the sake of it.

You have to find out what it is.

If you think she is even slightly worth it, You will try to sort out this problem before calling it quits.

A lot of the replies in here are very boyish. Be a man and try to figure things out maturely and then move on from there.



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08 Feb 2012, 11:27 am

Cinbad's advise is spot on:

Quote:
Tell her that she's never going to get over her ex if she can't stop obsessing about him.
Ask her if she wants you to be the place where she can forget about the pain and NOT talk about it.

This approach is the perfect balance of honest communication and healthy interpersonal boundaries.



tronist
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09 Feb 2012, 9:23 am

welp, all of you who said stray away were right!

shes back with him again. kinda thought it would work out this time. i really need to listen to my intuition than my heart. my heart is effin stupid, whilst my intuition is usually 100% spot on.



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09 Feb 2012, 2:04 pm

tronist wrote:
welp, all of you who said stray away were right!

shes back with him again. kinda thought it would work out this time. i really need to listen to my intuition than my heart. my heart is effin stupid, whilst my intuition is usually 100% spot on.

ohhhh sorry to hear that. :(


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09 Feb 2012, 3:10 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
A lot of the replies in here are very boyish. Be a man and try to figure things out maturely and then move on from there.


The replies here are based, from what it looks like, on hard personal experience. Even if she were to get over her ex, the guy who provides emotional support to a girl in getting over another guy is never the guy she ends up with. His interest in her was romantic, her interest in him clearly was not. Just as she doesn't owe him a relationship, he doesn't owe her his time and attention when it's clear that one will not happen. There is nothing wrong or unmanly with walking away from a situation that can't lead to anything but heartache.


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09 Feb 2012, 3:43 pm

mds_02 wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
A lot of the replies in here are very boyish. Be a man and try to figure things out maturely and then move on from there.


The replies here are based, from what it looks like, on hard personal experience. Even if she were to get over her ex, the guy who provides emotional support to a girl in getting over another guy is never the guy she ends up with. His interest in her was romantic, her interest in him clearly was not. Just as she doesn't owe him a relationship, he doesn't owe her his time and attention when it's clear that one will not happen. There is nothing wrong or unmanly with walking away from a situation that can't lead to anything but heartache.


And even if it is a romantic relationship, she won't stay with the guy long. He's "Transition Man". Thats the first guy we date after the breakup of a relationship. He's there to help us get back on our feet and all. At least in my experience and from what I've heard from friends. Sometimes it works out, but not that often from what I've seen.


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09 Feb 2012, 4:06 pm

mds_02 and OliveOilMum
Give tronist some support, will ya?
Come here tronist... I know it hurts but next time you will not end up like that as you will find one willing to inheret their time and commitment to you as long as you are prepared to let go of this in your own time. WP will be with you like we are for a lot of our members.


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09 Feb 2012, 4:53 pm

PastFixations wrote:
mds_02 and OliveOilMum
Give tronist some support, will ya?
Come here tronist... I know it hurts but next time you will not end up like that as you will find one willing to inheret their time and commitment to you as long as you are prepared to let go of this in your own time. WP will be with you like we are for a lot of our members.


You're right.

I do sympathize, tronist. The stuff in my other post is cause I can relate, and I don't like seeing other guys in that position. And cause I don't like guys offering good advice being called immature and childish.


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09 Feb 2012, 5:08 pm

That it does... and I got a thread where quite a few people turned on me when I was trying to help, I just worded it very badly and it was taken the wrong way.


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09 Feb 2012, 5:37 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
A lot of the replies in here are very boyish. Be a man and try to figure things out maturely and then move on from there.


Considering what the OP has just had to deal with, turns out those 'boyish replies' were the perfectly correct advice.


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09 Feb 2012, 8:15 pm

Daemonic-Jackal wrote:
tronist wrote:
so the girl that i like is still hung up on her ex. she basically insists that we talk about her ex boyfriend. she says she knows they are just friends, but i can tell she still cares for him deeply. i cant tell her 'dont talk to him anymore' because she really doesnt know me, and she'd choose him over me in an instant. shes let me know before that shes hard to get to know, and its hard for her to trust people, and hard for her to let people into her life.

idk. it really seems like shes making an effort to appease me and give me a shot, but when we talk its 'ex this.. ex that.. this one time he did this.. blah blah'. whenever were not talking about her ex, she runs out of steam, and doesnt carry the conversation at all. i have to constantly keep the conversation going basically alone lol. which is incredibly hard for me because small talk isnt exactly my strong suite. i think this is because she doesnt trust easily, and has a hard time letting me into her life and what not (as stated before), but idk.

and yea, i should probably just stop talking to her all together. i dont want to do that just yet, however. i want to give her a shot because i have a good feeling she would be a good match for me.

shes not always so bad at carrying conversations, but she does run out of steam pretty fast XD. i can tell shes very smart, and im attracted to her, and she has a good sense of humor.

so.. how do i tell her i dont want to talk about her ex boyfriend when she insists that she could talk about this subject for hours and never run out of things to say? i DO like talking to her, but i absolutely cannot stand listening to her talk about her ex.

would saying 'hey, i'd really appreciate it if we could stray away from the subject of your ex' work? what other things could i say instead?


Two words = chuck her.

Sounds harsh I know but until she's prepared to get over him (which right now clearly isn't the case) you are wasting your time.


He's certainly got a point. I think you need to bluntly tell her you're not interested in talking about her ex. My ex used to talk about his ex but after I told him I few times I weren't interested then he stopped. If she's still clearly into her ex then it might not be fair on you.


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