Do you feel guilty for the way you are?
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,461
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
This aswell. I can sit here now and say I will never have another outburst again or I will never be difficult to live with again and I will respect other people's rights, but a time comes where I'm having a bad day and things happen that frustrate or worry me, I can't always help blowing up because it's just the way I am.
But I got a lecture from my social worker saying ''you must consider other people's feelings....'' and all of that bollocks. That makes me feel like I'm some sort of crazy freak.
Usually I spend more time concerning myself with other peoples feelings than my own......I am constantly worrying about everyone else and neglecting even my basic needs at some points. I mean half the reason I feel so insecure, guilty and bad about myself is because of me worrying about what other people must think. I really wish I wasn't so pre-occupied with that especially when I can't seem to make anyone else happy anyways. I mean its great when I make an effort to try to come of as the decent person I try to convince myself that I am only to have people accuse me of causing problems to get attention or for my own entertainment..........even though I see nothing entertaining about drama.
_________________
We won't go back.
I used to feel like my difference from others was like a wet black clammy cloth draped over me. I felt "dark" for no reason and felt guilty without having done anything wrong yet. A revelation came from reading John Elder Robinson's 'Look Me in the Eye'. When he said he felt like the workplace psychopath just waiting to be exposed something inside me just crumbled like a stale cake and I nearly broke down and cried. He perfectly described a fear and self loathing I'd never even been brave enough to put into words, not even in my own head.
I still think back to how I logically knew that 9/11 or the Boxing Day Tsunami were horrific events but as I watched them unfold on TV I felt a disconnect from the victims. That's changed over the years and I'm moved by such footage now but it was unsettling at the time and made me feel guilty.
Now I just feel socially inadequate, like the associates I know should be friends but they're not because of a short coming that's my fault. So I guess there's still some guilt.
I've spent my whole life feeling guilty and ashamed.
As a child I genuinely tried my best and I just couldn't understand why I kept getting everything so wrong. I felt that I was a bad person who had let my family down.
In the end it was partly guilt that persuaded me to search for answers. A close friend of mine died of cancer and I didn't feel anything. Not even a twinge. I felt like I must be a very cold and wicked person - at one point I started to worry that I was a psychopath. When I actually researched psychopathy I knew it wasn't me at all. Autism had been suggested when I was a child, but I was never properly evaluated. When I discovered Aspergers everything just fell into place. Now I am slowly learning to like myself, which is a nice feeling.
I used to feel guilty and inadequate all the time. I naively screwed up so many social interactions and accidentally broke so many social rules that I couldn't help but feel guilty.
Since my diagnosis last year, those feelings have greatly reduced. A lot of the time my guilt arose because I didn't meet other people's expectations. Now that I know my mistakes were due to my AS and not because I'm a terrible person, I don't feel the need to be guilty. I accept that I have limitations. All I can do is stop trying to achieve the impossible, become better at what I can change, and when I stuff up, forgive myself enough to try again.
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