Aspie parents raising aspie children, outcome?

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CosTransform
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12 Feb 2012, 6:57 pm

In the thread "If NT's had to live in an aspie-dominant culture".

The question came up, what if two aspie parents raises an aspie kid. What will the experience be?



momsparky
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12 Feb 2012, 9:35 pm

I think it's fairly common for aspies to find each other, marry, and have kids - just remember that many parents are too old to have benefited from all the various diagnoses and treatments that are available today, and many may not know they are on the spectrum.

I am certain both my parents were on the spectrum: I had a horrible childhood (and a pretty good picture of where the "refrigerator mother" idea came from.) Keep in mind that there was zero understanding of autism spectrum disorders for kids who were able to attend school in those days. I have no idea what would have happened had intervention been available, but I'm guessing my mother would have been against it.

I am fairly certain that both my husband and I are on the spectrum, but we don't have a diagnosis: while only time will tell, I think we're doing pretty well with my son. We do take advantage of interventions for him, of parenting trainings, etc. I see other parents I can only assume are aspies who seem to be doing the same thing.

I think, as with any other group of people, the possibilities are endless. Every person on the spectrum is an individual - and also, every person on the spectrum is responsible for his or her own choices or actions. The same is true for NTs.



ASDMommyASDKid
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13 Feb 2012, 12:28 pm

I think Simon Baron-Cohen calls it assortive mating, which I totally buy. I don't think I would have married anyone that did not have autistic tendencies, and I think it is logical to assume that it is inherited at least to a degree. I would bet the bank that my dad was an Aspie and while my mom is NT she isn't exactly a social person when you compare her to "regular people." My brother has definite tendencies, although I am sure that he would bristle at the notion; and I would not be surprised if my nephew were to get an official dx in the next year or so.

I think the unhealthiest situations are when the parents refuse to recognize these qualities in their kids and themselves out of self-loathing. If you are comfortable enough to admit what is there, you can deal with those things that need dealing with, and celebrate the things worth celebrating, of which there are many. You can account for things that are intrinsic conflicts (say a noisy child and a parent with noise issues) so that the bad effects are minimized, and everyone can learn to accommodate each other in a healthy way.



momsparky
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13 Feb 2012, 12:52 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
I think the unhealthiest situations are when the parents refuse to recognize these qualities in their kids and themselves out of self-loathing.
<<<<<THIS. (As applies to all parents.)



dizzywater
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25 Feb 2012, 5:34 am

I spent the best times of my childhood with my grandfather, a quiet modest man, who would meticulously make notes and lists about everything for years on any large scrap of waste paper to hand. The only person who found his lists interesting was me, I still love anything statistical, but did even more so as a child. He thought I was wonderful and I thought he was wonderful, in everything we did together. Everyone else just thought we were strange. Without his acceptance I don't think I would have survived the continual ticking off and disapproval of others in my family, or the stupid stuff like; "look me in the eye (while I berate you)", "hold your head up straight", "why didn't you speak to the man", "you are so rude to everyone......"
Intelligent, quiet, people with a passion for nature and mathematics didn't get diagnosed then, but if I'm an aspie then he was too!
I don't think times have improved matters, now our close relationship could be misconstrued as something bad. Young girls aren't supposed to spend all their free time, every day, with an older man any more. The NTs who were so insensitive and hurtful to me then probably would have found fault with that too if I were a child today.
I would definately recommend an aspie to parent a fellow aspie over an NT's attempt any day.
Although I must add that my mum has aspie traits too and while I found her wonderful (until a tragic event spoiled it) my sister found us both stifled and cold, and still complains bitterly about it!



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25 Feb 2012, 3:21 pm

I guess in some ways I am very lucky that my children ate Autistic and Asperger's. I grew up in a house where I didn't fit in with my family. It was a really bad childhood. I learned from an early age to just lie about what I wanted and needed and just go along with whatever my siblings wanted because it caused less waves. I have always been called cold and ice queen by my family and still I dont show affection in from of them even to my children. My children don't either. However when my family are not around we are the smoochiest, cuddliest family ever. The other week my son started at a special program for Autistic children. I was the only parent who stayed long enough that my son had fully settled in and is happy there. All the other parent's, dropped the kids off and left so all the other Autistic kids got sad and upset and melted down. Even the staff were saying it would be easier on my son if I just left. I can see the outcomes for my kids and understand a lot of little things due to going through the same things myself.


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25 Feb 2012, 10:09 pm

Well, I don't know in general. It worked out real well for me. As it turned out, my Aspie father was the only parental figure I had (and I had MANY) who really knew how to deal with me or teach me anything.

I can only assume that, back before The Diagnosis existed, he recognized himself in me and raised me the way he raised himself.

Perfect?? No. But pretty darn well.


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angelalala
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18 Mar 2012, 8:32 pm

In a lot of ways it's a nightmare for me, but I think my son also has ADHD and THAT is what really causes me major anxiety (I cannot deal with the hyperactivity. . .it really sets me off).



jwombat
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08 Aug 2012, 3:38 am

:?
I was diagnosed with Asperger's in March 2012, two months after my 13yo son was diagnosed and one month before my husband was diagnosed. Since then, my mother and sister have been diagnosed, along with my sister's husband and my husband's brother. We're all different!
My daughter probably is an Aspie as well, but won't contemplate an assessment.
Is there anyone out there who can relate to our situation? :)



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08 Aug 2012, 10:18 am

I have AS, and my husband probably does too. Fortunately, my special interest is children, families and relationships, and as a result I think I know every parenting technique ever invented. I think I'm doing a good job with our kids, though my husband finds it very difficult, but we know what our problems are and work to resolve them. In a way, because I am so obsessed with how my kids are brought up and treated etc, I think they'll probably grow up more well-adjusted and happy than a lot of kids do. So many parents seem to care more about working or money or themselves than their kids these days. We are also very honest, and good people, we don't lie or hide things, we are open with our kids, and are very consistent with things like discipline.

I suppose only time will tell really.



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05 Jan 2016, 5:30 am

I know this is an old thread, but my father and I are both autistic (he's not diagnosed though). It can be a problem when we're both getting overloaded by the same thing, but long before my diagnosis, he understood what I needed. He's told me that he could spot overload in me, even though he didn't know what it was called, and he'd take me out of the overloading situation right away when he saw the signs. He was actually better at telling that I was getting overloaded than I was, though I've gotten better self-awareness after learning about autism.



Karen145
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07 Jan 2016, 1:22 pm

angelalala wrote:
In a lot of ways it's a nightmare for me, but I think my son also has ADHD and THAT is what really causes me major anxiety (I cannot deal with the hyperactivity. . .it really sets me off).


For me it's hyperactivity combined with noise. I have an infant right now and my eldest is really attached to her, but she likes to show affection my making REALLY high pitched squeaky baby voices. She's always made noises like this but it's escalated since the baby. Yesterday I ended up snapping at her and telling her one particular noise was off limits around me. I just couldn't take it anymore. It puts me on edge and I end up snapping at people. Maybe I should talk to her about how that stuff hurts mommy's head.


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07 Jan 2016, 6:22 pm

The outcome, good or bad, will only be the child's merit or fault, for they'll be no longer their parents' responsibility by then. Nothing will change the fact that they owe everything to their parents, so they have no business blaming them for anything. This is what I was told and I certainly have no moral authority to challenge it.


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RenaeK
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09 Jan 2016, 8:34 am

The hardest part is I have to study the basic social skills my son is learning, so I can attempt to help him with them.

Picture the 2 of us sitting on the bench at the park.

Son: "Mummy, I want to play with those kids"
Me: Ok, lets remember the steps to play Ross (social skills therapist) taught us
Son: Step 1 is to look for an opportunity to approach
Me: Ok... I'm looking... I have no idea.... how do we know when there's an opportunity?!
Son: I don't know
Me: Well how do you know when you practise with Ross?
Son: duh when Ross says "ok... Now, go" then I go.
Me: Remind to tell Ross that is NOT helpful

Thankfully an NT mum with an ASD kid overheard and came to help.

That's what it's like raising an autistic when you are a late diagnosed autistic with zero intervention and still learning yourself. Up side is I totally get his sensory issues, hey it's more likely to be me running out of the shopping centre with my hands over my ears than him!