I've found (maybe) my husband is an Asperger's

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After I started my course for partners with Autism, I realised that I wouldn't ask my partner to seek a diagnosis.
My partner admits that he is autistic. I had read up on it in the meantime, and when I told him about it, it made sense to him.

My partner works full time, and his work gives him a sense of being a functional worthy member of society. A lot of the (autistic) partners of women on the course (on my course all the austists are men, and the partners, women), stopped working after receiving the diagnosis. It's as if the diagnosis was a kick in the teeth, explained why they found things so difficult, and they had had a sort of crisis.

I realised that it was good enough for him to accept that he was autistic and use it as a way to gain understanding from me, rather than a way to feel inadequate at work in every day life. So I would advise him to consider whether he's autistic, but not necessarily seek advice. I told my autistic (diagnosed) daughter about Albert Einstein, and made sure it was a positive message too. My daughter has been deaf in one ear (since birth) but she was so sensitive to sound that we didn't find out till she was 9. That sort of sensitivity is almost a super-power (don't ask me how, but she passed all her hearing tests when she was really small!)

Apparently it's not all that uncommon for couples to sleep in separate beds. I read this article about it--
Link--> Should couples sleep in separate beds?
Whatever survey they did, showed that about a quarter of couples sleep in separate beds. It doesn't seem to be a sign that there are problems; just that they sleep better if they aren't snoring in each others' ears, or kicking each other at 3 in the morning...

Regarding using a diagnosis as a way to gain understanding: Yes, a diagnosis can be a very good way to understand yourself, if you are autistic. Our general response to a diagnosis is often to research autism in an effort to understand ourselves; that's what I did. Of course, you'll have to gain understanding, too, because the way he thinks is different. What's natural to him may be unusual or foreign to you; so you have to learn about him. You can learn to speak his language, just like he can learn to speak yours. It is probably better if you think of AS not as "his problem", but as a different thinking style. The problem, then, is not that he has AS, but that you and he think differently, and that you must cross that gap to understand each other. Almost all couples (at least male/female couples) have to cross a gap between genders; some have to cross a gap between cultures. You have an advantage, in a way, because you are from different countries: you probably expected, when you were married, to have to learn about each others' cultures and ways of life in order to live together. Taking on the extra differences caused by different thinking styles is probably going to be a lot like crossing the culture gap, so in a way, you have experience.

One more thing: Please, don't worry too hard. You are newly married--you are just starting out. A bumpy road is normal for new couples. Make sure you and he have some time to enjoy with each other--away from your problems, away from any requirement to behave one way or the other. Do something together, maybe--something relaxing, not too intense. Do something he likes with him; learn about his interests and teach him about yours. Even if it's just sitting together and watching the history channel; it doesn't have to be romantic. Just take the time to enjoy being together; put your problems aside for a while--you can deal with them later. Sometimes you just have to relax.

Speaking bluntly, some behaviour is never acceptable. It is never acceptable to frighten you, or to hurt your feelings when he knows (or should know) that you are hurt. It may be that he does not realise he is frightening you or hurting your feelings, and you should tell him. My opinion is that every marriage should be a partnership of equality, and in Germany you have the legal protection to be treated as an equal by your husband.

It does sound like there might be some AS symptoms, and there might be some bullying. The situation is also about how to protect your self, emotionally and legally.

I wish you a happy future in your relationship.

Yeah, definitely. If he's scaring you or hurting your feelings, he needs to know about it. If he doesn't know, he has to find out before he can figure out how to stop, right? And if he's doing it, knowing he's doing it and wanting to do it, then... well, if that's the case, then that's not AS; he's simply being abusive.

If it were me doing something that scared or hurt somebody, and I didn't know it, I'd want them to tell me. If I didn't know, and I kept on doing it, I would feel horrible about myself once I learned about it. You've just got to keep communication open, so nobody's just sitting there and feeling angry and not doing anything about the problem.

If I remember correctly, Germany has a pretty decent health care system; but I'm not sure about the mental-health part of it. I know we have people from Germany here, though, and maybe they know more about it.

For what it is worth I came to the realization that I have Aspergers a month ago. I took several on line tests, just google the 150 question one. All I score very high but I am not surprised. I also have many things in childhood that would agree with Aspergers. I am extremely smart and a CPA & CGMA. I build radios, talk to countries all over the world in Morse code, also do this while driving. Well versed (Obsessed) in Philosophy and Classical Music.

I would not change a thing, OK, maybe one thing, other people.

B

The thing that I think is strange about HopingforHope's husband's behaviour is that he denies saying hurtful things the next day. He just simply denies it and carries on with things without having to feel guilt.

I don't think that this fits with autism.
Someone might not want to be confronted with the horrible truth about their own behaviour, but to actually deny it??

It makes me think of that Dr. Phil statement: "you cannot change what you don't acknowledge". If he doesn't admit it, there's a chance that he'll keep doing it. After all he's getting away with it, and leaving HopingforHope powerless.

[quote="StuartN"

Speaking bluntly, some behaviour is never acceptable. It is never acceptable to frighten you, or to hurt your feelings when he knows (or should know) that you are hurt. It may be that he does not realise he is frightening you or hurting your feelings, and you should tell him. My opinion is that every marriage should be a partnership of equality, and in Germany you have the legal protection to be treated as an equal by your husband.

It does sound like there might be some AS symptoms, and there might be some bullying. The situation is also about how to protect your self, emotionally and legally.

I wish you a happy future in your relationship.[/quote]

My husband is probably has this Asperger, but maybe there's also something wrong with him, when he said something hurt my feeling, and he didn't realized it, and just deny it, i just thought it was one of the Asperger's syndrom who has no empathy...
But anyway, when i did it, tried to tell him that he said something hurt my feeling, he said to me, "No i didn't say so,i never said so... and btw, if it's hurting you, what about when you shouted to me?"
So, is it me who's sick here? Sometimes i have to confess when he complained to me, and it's too much, i will shout and maybe screaming so histeric... But it's bcoyz it' too much in my brain.
So maybe i can say, with his words, it's not including from the Aspergers... It's coming from himself.
But with his motion i think, it is like Asperger.
Btw, thanks for your wish.

Yes, i did it, i told him that his words is hurting my feeling, but his reaction is like "it's not a big thing what i said than when you shout to me". As i said, sometimes when he complain to me and it's too much, i can't handle this i shout to him.
But maybe in this part, it's not the Aspergers, it's maybe something wrong with him. Although i read also that Asperger has not empathy.
Anyway, i will try to read again all this message here, and i will find the solution for us.
And i have to say, it's really helpfull for me. Thank you.

Yes, this behaviour is not a kind of Aspergers i think, just thought it's an Asperger bcoz i read that they have no empathy...
But i think it's not really like this.
Anyway. maybe the problem is the way i make comunication have to be really "exactly right" so then he could really understand there's something wrong with him.

HopingforHope, the small rituals he has when entering a room or sitting at breakfast sound like OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). People with an autistic spectrum disorder can have OCD too. It becomes their way of reducing anxiety. Autism inclines people to be egocentric- it looks like selfishness, but what it really is, is the inability to see things from another persons point of view. If he saw your point of view but didn't care, THAT would be selfish. I'm sure that there are autistic people who are selfish. They have not been socialised into realising that other people have a right to decide too. I would use logic to make him understand that he's not being fair. But, even that might not work. You might have to make an agreement that he is not allowed to call you stupid or criticise your background, simply because it's unacceptable.

Have you thought about writing down the things that bother you and ask him to read it when he has the time. This might be easier for him.
Explain why you find these things difficult. Don't make the explanations too long.

Ask him how he feels. Tell him that you'd like to read what he has to say. There's a chance that he is brutally honest and say's something like
" You're not very intelligent". But then you can write or tell him "You're making a mistake- just because I can't speak your language, doesn't mean that I'm stupid."

You could ask to make an appointment with him to talk privately about the things that worry you. I know this sounds business-like, but he might be able to focus better on the conversation, if he's able to mentally prepare for it.

You should also write about the positive things about him and express to him that you do want to be happy together, and you want to find a way that you are both happy.

Recently, I had a conversation with my husband about something that was bothering me. I was very angry. He admitted that he was at fault. He said that he knew that he had a problem with a lack of empathy, and he knew that he had behaved badly. He couldn't explain (doesn't know) why he was so neglectful. He wants to change. I'm still waiting and hoping that things will work out. But there's a calm within me because he admitted that there is a problem. I hope that there's progress in your situation soon.

The word empathy means so many things, and it needs to be defined precisely. People say a lot of things about Asperger syndrome and empathy, some of which are wrong.

People on the autistic spectrum have impairments in communication and social interaction. They find it hard to recognize body language and to recognize emotion. Some people with ASD find it hard to recognize emotions (including their own) and to distinguish between different kinds of emotion. This lack of recognition is one definition of empathy.

Most people on the autistic spectrum understand hurt, and feel hurt. They will understand if someone explains that a behaviour or words are causing hurt, and will feel that this is wrong. If they know that a behaviour or words are hurtful, they will avoid doing it. This is a different definition of empathy, and something that autistic people do not lack.

Earlier on you wrote "Becoz sometimes the way he's complaining is like i'm under his foot" and I do not like the image that this makes for me. It seems like he is powerful and you are dominated by him in the relationship. Do you feel unsafe? Do you have any married friends that you can talk to and describe the events in your home?

(By the way, I am the one with AS and married for 28 years. My wife complains that I do not notice or reciprocate her feelings all the time, and I give practical support when she needs emotional support or a hug. She doesn't complain about feeling like she is under my foot.)

StuartN, I can't speak for HopingforHope, but the image I have is someone who is treated like dog excrement under foot.

(There are some sorts of behaviour that are just unacceptable if you want to remain in a continuing relationship with someone. If he's calling her stupid or her culture stupid, then this indicates a lack of mutual respect. So in a way, your image matches mine a bit because there might be a power thing going on with him feeling superior to her. Ironic in the setting of Germany.)