Does anyone else find it hard to break up with someone?
22 Feb 2012, 12:23 pm
I am currently kind of in a relationship that isn't healthy for me. I have never broken up with a guy before and I'm having a hard time doing it especially with the kind of guy I am dealing with. I probably should give a little bit of info about the situation...
The guy I am dealing with likes to manipulate and control my emotions. He knows what to do and what not to do when hes dealing with me and always does things to edge me on to a melt down. Last week my mom was going to take us to eat and I was having an issue with something, I put my head down on my knees and just stayed like that so i could cool off, the next thing I know he puts his arm around me, I shook him off that time. He then preceded to place his arm around me again and again leading me to have a meltdown during which he was smiling.... I don't know about most people but I usually connect someone smiling with them being happy. He knows how to annoy me and continuously annoys me, when i confront him about this he tries to say hes not doing anything to annoy me. My mom has also noticed him annoying me on purpose. He puts me down, calling me fat because I don't have the body shape of this one girl he likes.
I've tried to break up with him before (when he called me fat) because my mental health should come first. He would cry (I dont know if they were real tears or not) and I would feel bad that I hurt him and I would take him back. I went to my aunts house for the weekend to hang out with my cousin and he went to visit his mom. When I came home monday night I broke up with him by text so that I wouldnt have to deal with him crying and everything. He didn't bother to call and try to work things out or try to find out if i was ok when I shut my phone off for a few hours, yet he wants to work things out through texting which I feel means he doesnt care enough to actually talk it out on the phone. It makes me realize that he probably doesnt really care about me which makes me really depressed and I am trying to find a way not to be depressed enough to take him back. It doesnt help that my family isnt supportive in my decision (my aunt wants me to use him to get things even though thats not how I am)
Does anyone else go through the break up issue and if so do you have any advise?
Thx
22 Feb 2012, 4:51 pm
I have found it hard to leave bad situations in the past. It's hard for us to find someone, so we are inclined to stay put once there. Also, break-up is change. Not our favorite. Also, we tend to be naive and gullible about other people's intentions and disbelieving that some people can get pleasure out of someone else's pain. But those kinds of people really do exist.
My advice is text or write a short note saying it is over. Do not feel you need to explain. You are entitled to do what you need to do, what is good for you, without any explanation. From what you described, he sounds sadistic. Or at best, he doesn't understand you at all.
23 Feb 2012, 2:02 pm
your statement here is illogical. i think if you see the lack of logic here it can help you steel yourself to get rid of that person.
you are saying:
-he doesn't care
-his lack of caring depresses me
-my depression makes me want to stay... with a man who doesn't even care if i am with him
it doesn't make any sense to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't actually care for you. he treats you like crap because you are not his ideal, and his treatment will not change. he has an image of his perfect female in his head, and because you don't fit that perfection, he will slam you down and make you feel like you are lucky to be with him.
after all, he is making an exception and lowering his standards to be with you so you should be thankful, right? <--- that is the basis for his abusive treatment, and he has managed to get you to stay with him because you feel worse about yourself now than you did pre-relationship. he probably even makes you feel like you could never get a "great" guy like him again. you probably feel like you have to work extra hard to keep this man, because he could easily get someone better than you.
right now, he is being emotionally and verbally abusive, and that is serving to keep you together. he might not be physically abusive YET (or is he?), but nonetheless it is abuse. the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence has some information:
http://www.pcadv.org/Domestic-Violence- ... on-Center/
you might think that i am overspeaking this matter, and that he is just a bit mean or manipulative and not truly abusive. perhaps, but the victim (or me on an internet forum) is not in the best position to judge. i challenge you to call the organisation above and tell them your story. they will give you clear guidance.
i think that a certain part of you intentionally broke up with him via text because then you don't have to face his manipulations. trust that instinct. it's best if you do not call him or see him in person. in a best case scenario, you would send another breakup text if necessary, then cut off contact completely.
p.s. your family is fully aware of how bad he is, but they are advocating that you turn the tables and learn to manipulate him. it won't really work and will possibly turn you into an abuser too - just a different sort.
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23 Feb 2012, 2:22 pm
I understand it's hard.
But I also understand you MUST break up with him. You must not only break up with him, you must cut him out of your life. God I wish I lived close to you then I could help you through it.
I hate seeing people abused in relationships.
Do you think you could get your family involved in helping you avoid any contact with him?
24 Feb 2012, 5:45 pm
The guy I am dealing with likes to manipulate and control my emotions. He knows what to do and what not to do when hes dealing with me and always does things to edge me on to a melt down. Last week my mom was going to take us to eat and I was having an issue with something, I put my head down on my knees and just stayed like that so i could cool off, the next thing I know he puts his arm around me, I shook him off that time. He then preceded to place his arm around me again and again leading me to have a meltdown during which he was smiling.... I don't know about most people but I usually connect someone smiling with them being happy. He knows how to annoy me and continuously annoys me, when i confront him about this he tries to say hes not doing anything to annoy me. My mom has also noticed him annoying me on purpose. He puts me down, calling me fat because I don't have the body shape of this one girl he likes.
I've tried to break up with him before (when he called me fat) because my mental health should come first. He would cry (I dont know if they were real tears or not) and I would feel bad that I hurt him and I would take him back. I went to my aunts house for the weekend to hang out with my cousin and he went to visit his mom. When I came home monday night I broke up with him by text so that I wouldnt have to deal with him crying and everything. He didn't bother to call and try to work things out or try to find out if i was ok when I shut my phone off for a few hours, yet he wants to work things out through texting which I feel means he doesnt care enough to actually talk it out on the phone. It makes me realize that he probably doesnt really care about me which makes me really depressed and I am trying to find a way not to be depressed enough to take him back. It doesnt help that my family isnt supportive in my decision (my aunt wants me to use him to get things even though thats not how I am)
Does anyone else go through the break up issue and if so do you have any advise?
Thx
That's wrong for someone to compare you to a girl he likes; he's with you so he should compare you to only you. That's the point of being with someone... you actually like them.
Not only that, who knows if he even thinks that. It's him controlling you and wants you to feel like dirt so you don't think you could do better. That means the chances of you leaving are less.
Bottom line: GET OUT. He's abusive and it will only get worse. Trust me. The fact that you're writing about it speaks volumes.
_________________
Ummmm....
25 Feb 2012, 12:23 am
It is really hard to break up with someone in person, especially if you are attracted to them. If you meet them somewhere for an actual break-up, it may be hard to walk away after they woo you in or say something that triggers you (my experience). Not breaking up "in person" takes away the temptation and also partially the regret.
Him calling you fat, that's a dealbreaker, regardless of the other issues. He should be there to support you, not put you down.
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